Teacher, Mom, Mad Woman

A new home

2011-02-22T20:52:00.002-07:00

I have a new blog. I now blog at http://hatbyhat.blogspot.com.

Another Camden Update

2009-04-13T19:31:00.002-07:00

Some of you may have been following my saga of Camden and trying to figure out what is causing him to behave so miserably in public and in large groups. Our district preschool enrolled him a few months ago to observe him more. They called me last week to discuss their observations with me. I knew he was struggling, but again, I did not realize the severity of the struggles.

Camden's social skills are low for his age. To make it harder on the poor boy, he is as tall as most 5 and 6 year olds, but he is barely turning 4, so people think he is older than he is and expect him to behave like an older child. To make it even harder, he is about a year ahead in his language skills, so that throws people off too. The observer told me Camden does not play "with" other kids. He will play next to them, but not with them. I never realized that he wasn't actually playing with other children. His only real interaction with the children at preschool is to be aggressive and confrontational. He will seek out adults and ignore the other children while at school.

The special education evaluator and I had a long talk. I asked her flat out if there was a chance Camden had Asperger syndrome. She said she thinks that is a real possibility and I should discuss it with his pediatrician. Although I threw that word out there, I truly did not expect to hear that yes, the observing team had talked about that word in relationship to Camden for quite awhile. It is devestating to hear. I do worry for his future. While I think he will go far in life, I worry about his social life and how school will be for him. It's hard enough in this world without adding in having a hard time socially.

The special education teacher did point out that he may just be socially behind and it may resolve itself over the next few years. She also pointed out that he is the oldest child and used to being around adults, so maybe he just doesn't know how to handle social situations yet or prefers talking to adults because that is what he knows.

We have an appointment with Camden't pediatrician in a week. Hopefully after talking to him we can get some answers, or even just some clear direction of what to do next. No matter what, he is still my beautiful, intelligent, wonderful little boy. As his mother, I will fight to help him become the best he can be.

Beauty School Dropout

2009-03-22T19:11:00.007-07:00

I learned this weekend that I should stick to teaching and leave any future hair cuts to the experts. My babies don't get much hair until about the age of one. Camden's hair grew in nicely, but Easton has had some funky hair stuff going on. I call it his "old man hair" because it sticks up in tufts, grows well in spots but not in others, and is thin and wispy. For weeks I have wanted to even it out, to somehow make it look better, but left it alone hoping it would get better in time. On Friday night, I decided that was it. I was going to trim up the super long stuff over his ears and on top of his head. One minor detail - I've never done it before.

I asked Mark to grab me his razor. I thought I would just shave a little off the sides and top and call it good. I grabbed the razors and started in the middle of Easton's head. After the first stroke, I noticed my mistake. I had no guard to prevent me from getting too close. So now, with huge bald chucks in the middle of his head, it became pretty obvious that all his hair was going to have to come off to correct my mistake. I took a deep breath and set to work. In about five minutes, Easton was completely bald! It's a good thing he has a good head shape for a bald hair cut. I only hope it will grow in looking better than it did before.

Easton pre hair cut. See how weird and tufty his hair was growing?
I think he knew what was coming.
Easton post hair cut.
Bald heads are really good for smearing chocolate on. Yum!

Do you facebook?

2009-03-03T11:04:00.002-07:00

I admit, my blog has been a neglected thing in the past several months. I think about it often, but never quite muster the energy to come and blog. Why? Well, the excuses are many, but the one that saps most of my extra time these days is facebook. I love that thing! There are so many useless games like Yoville or Mafia Wars that I find myself checking again and again. Then there are the fun notes passed around. On top of that are status updates, which are my favorite part of it all. I read all of them daily because it's like a little snapshot into the lives of so many friends. So do you facebook? And if you do, are you on my friends list? If you are not and would like to be added, send me an email with your name and I'll be sure to add you. Then I can at least keep updated with your life until I get the urge to get back into blogging a bit more.

The Stapler lives!

2009-02-25T12:29:00.002-07:00

Remember when I posted about my industrial strength staplers about three years ago? Mentioned in this post? A few friends said it was one of their favorites. So I thought I'd reshare the story for those who want a laugh. Because I know I need one these days. And let you all know, the staplers still live! In fact, they made a stapler shooter appearance just today. They still have the power and the force. And even better, I no longer shoot myself in the finger!

Update on Camden

2009-02-09T09:08:00.002-07:00

We got the results for Camden's evaluation a few weeks ago. Like I expected, he is above average in language and in academic skills. On social and emotional, he was below average, but not enough to qualify for services at this point. However, the preschool was concerned enough about his behavior and sound issues that they want to observe him further. They are enrolling him in the preschool on a temporary basis to evaluate him further. They will have the occupational therapist evaluate him for sensory disorders. No matter what, even if he doesn't qualify for services this year, he is on the waiting list for a spot in the preschool next year, which pretty much means he'll get in as a tuition paying student next school year. I am glad they are being so thorough. Camden had a beautiful streak in behavior, but in the past few weeks, we've started to get bad reports from the gym daycare again and last week he had to leave Primary. I hope that the preschool will be able to see our concerns during his temporary enrollment. I feel we are on the right track.

Always changing . . .

2009-01-19T20:22:00.004-07:00

It seems like the boys change so rapidly that I have to record all the little things before they slip away and I forget.

Easton is changing like crazy. He took his first steps right after the new year and has been unstoppable ever since. Most babies wait until they can balance rather well to walk. Not Eastie! Once he started taking steps, he was off and is already trying to run. Each day his balance gets better, but it sure has been funny to watch him figure it all out. Easton also figured out how to get up and down the stairs. This kid is a problem solver and doesn't give up. He will try again and again until he gets it perfect and that's what he did with figuring out the stairs. Easton is signing "milk", "dog", and "ball" and is trying to figure out how to sign "eat" (right now he keeps patting his head). I think he is going to be really good at the "terrible two's" since he is already throwing himself on the floor when he doesn't get his way or what he wants. We always know when Eastie is causing mischief because he growls as he starts his capers. He is still full of laughs and smiles and is still our sunshine.

At the end of December, a mutual decision was made with Camden's preschool teacher to remove him from preschool for the time being. He was having as many bad days as good days and the stress was wearing on us all. After the advice of many friends, I've been reading Raising your Spirited Child and The Out of Sync Child. Both of these books have been a tremendous help to me. I see much of Camden in the descriptions found in these books. It's been reassuring to realize that my son is normal, just a bit more sensitive and spirited than the average child. In addition to helping me understand my son better, they have helped teach me strategies and activities to use with Cam. We're seeing a lot of improvement in him at home and in public situations. I'm learning what sets him off and what to do help him. I'm also learning strategies to help him help himself. Now instead of hitting, he will tell me he is angry and what he needs to do to calm down. I'm thrilled to be able to understand him better and be a better parent to him. It has been downright awesome to see my beautiful boy blossom, thrive, and mature before my eyes. His imagination, intelligence, and creativity astound me.

We had his preschool evaluation last Friday. I prayed that it would go well and that the evaluators would be able to know my concerns for him. I knew he would pass the academic parts with flying colors and wondered how they could evaluate my behavior and sensory concerns. It may seem small, but I know the Lord heard and answered my prayers because Camden went into what I call "classic Camden" when confronted with noise. The speech therapist wanted to test his hearing. I was filling out paperwork and not paying much attention, but the speech therapist wanted to put something in his ear and he freaked out! He ran screaming from the room and went into full Camden melt down. I took him outside and calmed him down. The therapist skipped the hearing test and instead sat and talked to me. She asked if this was a typical behavior and I told her yes. I explained my concerns to her and what had happened in his last preschool. Without me even bringing it up, she mentioned a sensory processing disorder, mentioned occupational therapy, and talked to me for a bit about that. It was such confirmation to me, that my concerns have been right on the money. I only wish I had of followed through on my instincts months ago. I don't know if he will qualify for the preschool, but if not, I have the number of another evaluation service to call. I am praying that he will qualify for services at the preschool and be able to learn coping strategies for his noise issues.

I am grateful to be a mom to these beautiful boys. I'm grateful for the opportunity to become a better mother. I know these children have been placed in my life specifically to teach me how to be a better parent - more patient, loving, and kind. I am very grateful for all the good friends who have listened to my concerns without judging, who have given me advice, and put me on the paths to understanding my son better. I'm grateful for all the prayers and best wishes on behalf of my child and myself. I truly feel them and they have helped when I have questioned my parenting and my own self worth as a mother.

Christmas 2008

2009-01-13T11:05:00.008-07:00

Sure it's almost a month after Christmas, but it's never too late for a Christmas post. So here are pictures from our Christmas shindig.

Camden eating chocolate while waiting for grandparents to arrive before opening presents.

Easton with his new bead maze. Melissa and Doug toys are the best!
Camden opening his big Santa present.
It's a big wooden train! (Which has seriously have to be the best present he has ever received. He plays with it for HOURS!)
Easton opening presents with the help of Daddy. Eastie didn't get the whole Christmas thing. One present and he was done. He was happy with things the way they were and kept crawling off to play with all the old toys.
The boys playing - and Christmas aftermath. It seemed like we hadn't bought them all that much - until it was open and spread all over the floor.
Camden later that day after all the mess was cleaned up and his train all put together. He loves that thing!

Easton's first birthday

2008-12-16T11:22:00.013-07:00

Easton officially turns one tomorrow (sniff, sniff! Where has the time gone?), but we celebrated last week. Easton threw up the day before his party and the day after, so I don't think he was feeling his best on his special day. You'll see for yourself how thrilled he was at the whole thing, especially the cake.

Easton will grandma, waiting for the festivities to start. He looks so excited right?

Pile of presents and other random bits of interesting things left from Camden.
Opening presents with Camden's help. Easton loves to tear paper, but we never let him, so I think he was a little shocked that we actually encouraged him to do so.
Finally getting into it and having fun.
One of my students bought Eastie this hat. I loved it so much that I made him wear it for the rest of his presents.
Easton with his favorite gift of the event.
The cake! We call Easton our sunshine because he is such a happy, smiley boy, so we felt it was only appropriate his cake be a sun. Mark and I had a lot of fun making and decorating this cake.
Easton was less than enamored with the whole cake thing.Easton didn't understand what he should do with the whole cake thing, so Daddy stepped in to help.

Easton didn't like the feel of the frosting on his fingers, so he thought throwing it on the dog was a great option.
Cutting the cake into pieces didn't make it any better.
I tried to feed him bites of cake, thinking that would get him interested, but you can see how well that turned out (and I don't know why the flash decided to stop working here).Yeah, that whole eating cake thing didn't turn out so well. Neither of my boys have eaten their cakes on their birthday. I promise it is good cake really! In his defense, he got sick the next morning, so that may have been why we got such great first birthday cake pictures.

Hard news to hear

2008-12-10T15:20:00.002-07:00

Sometimes being a mother can break your heart. Not long after my last post about Camden, I received a phone call from his preschool that shattered my world. His preschool teacher called me to pick him up because he was behaving in an awful way. I talked to Camden about it when I got home from work that day and could tell he felt terrible about it. Because she had mentioned that he had a bad day before, I called her to find out what was going on. As his mother, I want to be informed of what is going on so that I can deal with any behaviors or issues at home. What she told me left me stunned and broken hearted for my little boy. I learned the little boy I so love and adore at home is completely different in a larger group. More than that, he’s the kid all teachers dread and nobody wants in a classroom.

The preschool teacher told me Camden is very immature for his age. Although a very intelligent little boy, she said he is socially and behaviorally immature. I was told he takes toys from other kids, pushes, hits, kicks, and crowds in line. He knocks over towers that other kids build and bullies them. He throws fits when he doesn’t get his way or if he doesn’t get to go first at something. He doesn’t listen to instructions and won’t help clean up toys. When put in time out, he hits, screams, and kicks either the teacher or the wall. I was told he will do anything to have the attention on him and it’s usually in negative ways. He’ll get out of time out just to get a toy to throw it or he’ll hit the wall and laugh at her as she adds more time to the clock. The focus becomes on him and she can’t do her lessons or help the other children.

Needless to say, I broke down after I got off the phone. Sure we see bits and pieces of this behavior at home. He is three after all, and the first born in the house. But we know how to deal with him and rarely see him as out of control as was described to me. It broke my heart to hear the problems he is having and the problems he creates for others. In small groups and at home, he is well behaved, helpful, and fun. I’ve talked to my friends who watch my child occasionally and was told they rarely, if ever, see this side of him. Unfortunately, this was the final piece of a puzzle I’ve been trying to figure out for months. We’ve gotten similar reports from both the gym daycare and our church nursery (although not as extreme) and have wondered how Camden really behaves and acts when we are not around.

I’m not sure what to think about it all. I feel like the worst parent in the world who is failing their child. I feel like I must not see him clearly or that there is a side to him that only comes out when a parent is not around. After talking to some friends, they gave me some perspective. Most feel it is related to the sensory issues I have mentioned before. Because of that, we’ve set up an appointment for him to be evaluated at our local preschool. A part of me has felt like I have needed to do this for him for a long time, but I have brushed it off because we can deal with his sensory issues at home and in small groups. Seeing how they appear in large groups, however, has made me realize there may be more going on with my son that I want to admit. I’m very hopeful that our evaluation will be able to help my son and help him learn critical social and behavioral skills he needs for school.

It’s a hard thing to accept that my son has some issues that need to be addressed. It’s even harder because I am an educator and know what it is like to have those students in a classroom. It breaks my heart for my little boy, that so many see him as a behavior problem, instead of seeing his sweet heart and spirit. It’s hard to watch him struggle so much as a three year old to deal with these sensory issues. I feel like I don't know how to teach or discipline my own child in a way that works for him and his issues. It’s hard to watch him be so smart, but yet so affected by so many noises, fears, anxieties, and situations out of mine or his control. He’s a beautiful boy with a good heart. He’s got so much to offer. I just wish that side of him could be seen more than the problems.

My Camdenator

2008-11-14T12:32:00.009-07:00

I haven't talked much about my Camdenator lately, so I decided he needed his own post. This little guy is so much fun! He has developed quite the imagination and loves to tell me stories full of giants, trolls, dragons, pirates, families, and more. It's fun to watch his brain work.

I've discovered what an audio learner Camden is. I've known this for awhile, but it's become even more clear to me since he started preschool. If you repeat something to Camden a few times, he can repeat it back to you, especially if it's in song. He recently learned our phone number this way. The other day while eating dinner, Camden started reciting the "Pledge of Allegiance." To my surprise, he was able to say it word for word correctly. Apparently they say the pledge in preschool once a week and he memorized it. I know if I read books out loud to him, after a few times, he'll be able to repeat it back to me. I love knowing this fact so that I know how to teach my child as he gets older. Put it to song, repeat it out loud, and he'll learn it quickly. He has learned all his alphabet sounds this way and will tell you what sound each letter makes.

I love to listen to Camden talk, especially when he mispronounces a word. I love his "hambabanger," his "tricycple", his "banna". He's convinced that the song "We're not Gonna Take it" really says "We are not Naked" and he'll sing these lyrics loudly.

Camden still loves books. He loves to look at books, to be read books, and to hear stories. We recently got him a subscription our church magazine "The Friend" and he loves to look at "his magazine." He is active as can be! Rarely does he sit still for long. He loves to run, play, and especially jump. He loves trains. He almost always chooses a train as a reward when he earns a big reward. He also still loves animals. It doesn't matter the shape or the size, he loves animals.Camden is very sweet and sensitive. He doesn't understand when others are being mean to him. He tries to teach others to share and be nice. He is especially protective of his younger brother. Of course he can be rough with Easton, but for the most part, he wants to cuddle Easton and wants him included in everything. If I'm not being nice to Easton (or as nice as Cam thinks I should be), he'll tell me. He'll also tell others not to say words like "shut up" or "stupid" because they're "not nice."

Camden is sometimes too sensitive in that he has a lot of fears and anxieties. These have been with him since he was a baby. We're learning how to work with him on these issues, but sometimes it doesn't help. We've had to remove him from a few child care situations because they weren't willing to learn what caused some of his actions (when he is afraid, all bets are off) or how to deal with it. We've learned to steel ourselves for doctor appointments, hair cuts, and many other things. He is very sensitive to noise. We've learned that if there is a lot of noise, his behavior will get worse. The hardest part is not dealing with his behavior when he is in a situation where he is scared, but to deal with the judgment we get from others. Camden teaches me to be tougher, to have thicker armour when it comes to what others think of him and of our parenting, and to put his needs first over the looks from others.

I have to admit, parenting Camden can be challenging. He's stubborn to a fault. He's obstinate and he doesn't always listen well. Dealing with his sensory issues take patience and sometimes I don't have a lot of it. But I am so glad he is mine. Recently I told Camden the story of how he came to our family. Now every night before bed he requests that I tell him "the story of me." I tell him how much we wanted a baby, how much we prayed for a baby, and how sad I was when it didn't happen. I tell him how happy we were when we found out he was coming. Then I tell him of his birth and how overjoyed that made his father and I. Finally I tell him how much I still love him, how I will always love him, and how happy I am that he is my son. And that is true. In spite of the difficulties in parenting sometimes, I am so glad to have Camden in my life. He made me a mom and I am forever grateful for the blessing he is.

New family pictures

2008-10-30T08:16:00.013-07:00

We met with my favorite photographer a few weeks ago to do family pictures. I am thrilled with our pictures and want to show them off! These are the first family pictures we've had since Easton joined our family, so it's about time.

I want to tell you a bit about my photographer because she is awesome! I met Tina Miera in the spring and we've done three photo shoots with her now. Each time I am amazed at her work. With two of our photo shoots, Easton has come down with a cold right before and been miserably sick. She still makes him look good! On this day, Easton had a cold and hadn't napped all day, the wind was blowing like crazy, and Camden was being his obstinate self. Still, we got great shots. She works both in Salt Lake and the Uintah Basin, so if you are looking for a photographer, I highly recommend her!

Cam wouldn't let go of that leaf for anything. I love this background!

She even made me look good. Do you know how long it has been since I looked at a picture of me and liked it? Years I tell you. Years!
Easton loves to be "Easton upside down cake" as we call it. He was so tired and this was one of the few smiles we got out of him.
I love those lashes. I've had people tell me this should be a picture for a baby clothing store because he looks all GQ in it.
Cam loved her tire swing!
I love my two boys together. Camden is a great older brother.
I LOVE the way mark is looking at me in this picture. Love it!

Be careful what you wish for . . .

2008-10-18T20:30:00.002-07:00

Because you just might get it.

I LOVE the mints at our local Pizza Hut. They are cinnamon and delicious and I covet them. I always grab huge handfuls when I go there. If Mark goes and I don't, I make him pick up these mints for me and then I eat them all. I always tell him how much I love these mints. So Mark decided to purchase me a box to surprise me. He thought it would be a small box.

It's a 30 lb box! What am I going to do with 30 lbs of Cinnamon mints? Anybody want some mints?

Imagination!

2008-10-10T09:55:00.002-07:00

Camden loves playing dress up. So with Halloween coming, we bought some cheap costumes and made a dress up box. He has so much fun playing and I love watching his imagination blossom. It's our new favorite activity in our house. (And is it just me, or is Camden looking way too much like a bigger boy these days? He's lost his toddler look!)

Mr. Sunshine

2008-09-25T09:23:00.005-07:00

Easton is 9 months old and I think it's about time I gave him his own post. Easton is truly my Mr. Sunshine. This boy smiles all the time. He's so happy and easy going.

Easton has been a joy since the day he was born. He's always been easy going and likes sleep like his mommy. I remember when he was 5 weeks old. I had put him to bed at 9:30 the night before. At 5 am, I woke in a panic wondering if he was ok since he hadn't fed all night long. I checked on him and he was just fine and woke about an hour later to feed. That became normal for him - sleeping through the night at a super young age. Since I had to go back to work when he was 6 weeks old, that was great for me! He is still my great sleeper. When he is sick or is teething, you can expect a few wakings, but otherwise, he sleeps 11 hours at night. He is a total tummy sleeper too, something he did all on his own. Once he learned to roll, as soon as he hit the bed, he flipped over on his stomach. I love watching him sleep with his little bum up in the air.

Easton practices new skills all the time. Camden would study and wouldn't do anything until he could do it perfectly. As a result, we have some new experiences with a baby who practices and practices. Easton has been crawling for about a month now. He moves fast and if he sees something he wants, he's after it. He has found the dog food more than once. He also pulls to standing on everything. He loves to be in the center of it all.

This is the face I see most of the time. When I come home from work and Easton sees me, he lights up and scrambles as fast as he can to get me. Then he gives me huge, open mouth kisses. When we go to stores, church, or any place public, Easton will stare at somebody until they look at him and then smile big. We get comments all the time on how cute and happy he is. He's a shameless flirt. He'll smile big at any pretty girl, no matter the age. He has all his caretakers wrapped around his finger.

Easton loves to laugh and play. He loves animals and stuffed toys. He loves Little People the most (something Camden never enjoyed). He loves baths, books, and exploring his world. He loves games where he bounces in the air and he loves dancing with the family. Although we try to not let him watch TV, if it's on, he's fascinated by the lights. He especially adores his brother. Nobody can get East laughing like Cam can. Nobody! It doesn't matter what simple thing Camden does, it will get Easton rolling on the floor. He looks up to Camden and follows Cam everywhere. Camden is so patient and gentle with him as well.

Easton is a champion eater. He loves his solid and table food. He especially loves cheese, noodles, fruits, veggies, and Cheerios. My only complaint about the boy is his liquid diet. Every time he has gotten sick or been teething, he drops a liquid feeding. When he was 4 months old, he got his first cold and refused nursing for weeks on end. He never nursed again, even though I tried. Each cold after that, another feeding dropped. Now he takes one bottle in the morning and one at night. He'll only take a few small sips of liquid during the day from a sippy cup (will not touch a bottle during the day). He's healthy and happy, so his doctor tells me not to worry about it so much. Put anything in front of him in solid form and he'll eat it though, so that's a good thing.

Easton is such a joy. We call him Easter Bug, Easter Bunny, Eastie, and bug most of the time. We tried calling him Eastie Beastie, but since he in no way is a beast, it just doesn't fit. I am so grateful this happy, sunshiney boy is in our lives!

My Students

2008-06-20T20:37:00.005-07:00

To make up for missing graduation, I held a barbecue for some of my seniors. I had to show them off as we had one last big fling before they move on to new stages of their lives.

Easton hanging out with the ladies (they are all so beautiful!)

The boys trying oh so hard to be cool (or is that me trying to be cool?)

A bunch of the crew. Man, I love these kids!

Toddler Math

2008-06-02T19:10:00.003-07:00

Take one active, curious three year old. Add in two parents busy getting ready for church, plus a spray bottle full of water unnoticed in the toddler's hand. Leave said child unattended while said parents prepare for church. Notice it has become eerily quiet and race downstairs to see said toddler sitting with said water bottle in front of the open laptop computer. What do you have? One toddlerfied computer. Yes Camden, that dear, sweet boy, sprayed water all over the screen of the laptop, which has consequently destroyed the laptop screen. So I am stuck with our old, SLOW PC and may be a bit scarce. If you are here from NCLM, I will be catching up with you soon!

Shamelessly Showing Off

2008-05-28T19:02:00.002-07:00

Pictures of my two boys! I absolutely love how this photographer captured my boys and their personalities. If you are out in the Wasatch Front or the Uintah Basin parts of Utah, give her a call. She has reasonable prices and does great work! I scored a free session, but have already booked family pictures for the fall because I loved her work so much.

http://www.tinamieraphotography.com/Proofs/

Pull down the drop down menu until you see my last name (hint - starts with a D). Hit "enter gallery." Then hit submit. There is no password. I don't know how long the proofs will stay up, so check 'em out when you can.

On Being a Teacher

2008-05-23T19:06:00.004-07:00

Today my 10th year of teaching came to a close. In the past ten years, I have taught more than a thousand students. It's hard to believe I have been teaching that long. I still feel like I am a young 22 year old teacher just starting out. Instead I am an old veteran, no longer wearing rose colored glasses. The past ten years have been a fun and sometimes wild ride. Some years have been challenging, bringing struggles at every turn. Other years have been absolutely wonderful, bringing me joy. Most years are a combination of each.

Teaching is more than a job to me. Each year, over one hundred students enter my classroom. Some will delight me, some will annoy me, and some will challenge me. But each year, those children become like family to me. Each year, some students will ask me if I will miss them, while others will ask me if I will be glad they are gone. The truth is, I always miss my students. That last day of school each year is bitter sweet. While I am glad the year is over for many reasons (a big one that I get to be a mom full time for a few months), I am so sad my students are moving on. Students don't realize the way many teachers see their students. When those kids enter my classroom, they become mine. They become my students and I care about them deeply. Not only do I care about their academic success, but I care about them individually. I worry about them through the year. That doesn't stop when they leave my classroom. They take a piece of me with them when they leave.

It's true. My students really take a piece of me with them when they leave. I often find myself wondering how they are doing, what they are doing, how life is treating them. One of my greatest joys is when I run into a former student and they run up and say hi, ask about me, and tell me about their lives. I get sad when a former student acts like they don't know or remember me, because usually, I remember them.

Today I said goodbye to one of my favorite classes of eighth grade. Out of the ten classes I have taught, this group rates up among my top three favorite classes ever. Tonight, my favorite group of students ever graduated from high school. Out of that top three, this group rates #1.

The graduating group came to me 5 years ago. I didn't yet have children, but I had finally found some peace in my infertility. I had the peace that some how, some day, I would have kids. In the meantime, while I waited, I threw myself into teaching. This group of students came in and we immediately bonded. I saw so much beauty, promise, and hope in this class. Part way through the year, I noticed these students didn't see the same beauty in themselves. So I did an activity to help them see their own beauty. And that activity bonded us like no other. From then on, these students were my children and I was their adopted mom.

Our closeness didn't end at the end of that year. Many were student aides for me the next year. Many come to my house or my classroom to visit. It's not unusual, especially in the summer, for a group of them to show up at my door with a pizza, raid my fridge for drinks, and sit around and chat for awhile. They showed up just last week, wanting one last reunion before they graduated. They have played many, many pranks on me over the years. I've tried to get them back, but they always win.

Tonight they graduated. I wanted more than anything to be there with them. I planned and planned on being there. And then Mark had to work tonight. And then Easton got sick. And it rained (ceremony is supposed to be outside). And Camden is a 3 year old who doesn't sit well. And the graduation is during dinner time. With all those things combining, I knew it would be patently unfair to my children to drag them to the graduation with all those factors in play. I am so sad I cannot be there tonight. I have been torn all night, rethinking the decision to stay home, and coming to the conclusion again that it is best for my children to stay home.

I am so sad to see these students leave - both the group from this year and my graduating seniors. Our school does a fun tradition every year when the students leave. The teachers and staff get the noisiest things we can find. This year it was bull horns, whistles, and clapping hands. We get out there with our noise makers and make as much noise as we can while the students load on the buses. Then, before the buses leave, all the bus drivers lay on their horns and don't let go. You have more than 20 buses with horns blaring and an entire junior high staff making tons of noise. It's a huge, raucous, fun time. Then one by one, the buses pull out. Each year this tradition brings me so much joy because it's such a fun send off. But each year I find myself with tears in my eyes as another group of students leave. This year, tears rolled down my face. I am losing two of my favorite classes ever. While I am so excited for them and their futures, I am so sad to see them go.

My hope is the future will be kind to them. May they find joy and peace in the journey of their lives. May they carry the knowledge that this teacher, this one person, will always love and care about them. May they always find a soft place to land.

For my students of this year, carry on your educational journey. Make wise choices. Live life to the fullest.

To my graduating students - Kyle (Matt), Jeff, Megan, Britli, Brittany, Justin, and too many others to name - you carry my heart with you. I love you as much as I do my own kids. Don't forget to invite me to all those mission farewells, weddings, baby showers, and everything else. Life gets harder as an adult, but so much more rewarding. I hope you find more happiness and joy than you can ever imagine.

Life on the other side

2008-05-07T07:51:00.004-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about infertility and its impact on my life. Recently I found this site and I wished I had found it back when I was ttc Camden or after my miscarriage or when we were trying for Easton. I didn't start this blog until Camden was about 8 months old and I haven't fully shared my infertility story on this blog (coming in the next few weeks). When I was going through the infertility, I had a small support group, but one by one those girls got pregnant until I was mainly alone. I wished and wished for a bigger support group, which I have since discovered exists in this great world of blogs, but I knew nothing of blogging at the time. I'm so glad it exists now because I would never want another infertile person to feel as alone as I did during that time. At the worst of it, I just wanted somebody, anybody, to understand what a toll being infertile can take on a person's body and soul. I can say with certainty that infertility has been the hardest thing I have gone through to date and it still defines who I am as a woman and person.

Now I find myself on the other side. I have been blessed with two beautiful little boys - two boys that, at one point, I was told might never exist without major medical intervention. At one point I believed they would never exist and that I would never be a mother. Yet here they are. They complete me in ways I never thought possible. I often feel like I was born to be their mother; they are the reason I exist. They have brought more meaning, more light, more joy to my life than I ever expected. I would do anything for those two boys. There is not a day that I don't thank my Heavenly Father for these children.

It's a weird dichotomy. I have children, yet still define myself as infertile. Even though I am the mother of two, even though I have created, carried, and birthed two children, I still see myself as infertile. Not a day goes by that I do not think of myself as an infertile woman. But to anybody just meeting me, to anybody who does not know my background, I am a lucky mother of two. Most likely, they see me as a fertile being. They see the blessings I have received. They see the two children at my feet. They haven't seen the trial or the pain.

The more children I have, the more removed I am from the infertile world. Not necessarily by choice, but by the circumstance of being a mother. How is another infertile woman to know that I struggled, that I feel like I was granted two miracles? How is another infertile woman to relate to me when they are still going through the struggle to get a child? I know that 5 years ago I would have scoffed at such woman, who, with two children at their feet, told me they knew of my pain. I knew they could never imagine the pain and hurt I felt because they were blessed. Now I am that person I so dreaded not that many years ago.

I wonder where I fit in now. I still feel part of that infertile world, but yet I am also so far removed by the very nature of having children. Do other infertile people read my posts and then scoff because I do have children? My goal since having children has been to hopefully give hope to somebody else in the same situation, for somebody seeking for a happy ending story. But does that happy ending story hurt more than it helps? I don't know.

I know that I am not done having children. I also know that for each child I try for, fertilty medications will be involved. It's a fact - I rarely, if ever, ovulate on my own. I have PCOS. So by that definition, I am still infertile. Yet I also know what doses of medication will work for me. I know I have been pregnant three times now as a results of those medications, and that two of those pregnancies have resulted in living children. So by that definition, I am a mother.

Every day I think of infertility, in much the same way that a person who has survived cancer thinks about cancer. (No, the two are not equal and I don't mean to offend anybody in that comparison, but just like cancer changes ones live forever, so does infertility in a different way). I often wish that I could wear a shirt that proclaims, "These children are the result of years of trying, heartache, testing, medications, loss, more medications, and more trying" so that people, especially those who may resent me for my children (as I so often resented others), will know what a small bit of what I went through to get these children. I want people to know that I remember the pain so clearly; I remember the heartache, the longing, and the hurt. I want to reach out to those who are struggling and let them know there is life on the other side. I never want to get so far removed from the infertile world that I forget what it is like to struggle.

Houston, we have a 3 year old!

2008-04-21T09:48:00.008-07:00

Holy cow! I didn't think it had been that long since I last blogged. Where has the time gone?

Camden turned 3 over the weekend. I cannot believe I am a mom to a 3 year old! Cam loves all things Mickey Mouse for his birthday and wanted "Mickey Mouse club house ears" for his birthday cake, so I obliged. I love making my children a special cake each year and this was no different. It was my first time using marshmallow fondant and while it didn't turn out quite as smooth as I hoped, Cam loved it and that's all that matters. He kept opening the oven and looking at his cake until his party.This was the first year that Camden really got what a birthday was all about. He loved being the center of attention and opening presents. Each one brought such joy to his face. I loved watching his faceHe's already got that 3 year old attitude down pat, as seen in this picture before church. He's probably wondering why Mommy dresses him in such funny clothes (because I can my son, because I can).

And of course no post would be complete without the squishy we call Easton. I love those cheeks!

My Easter Post

2008-03-27T10:09:00.009-07:00

With the help of super high tech tools like a paper clip, our photo card was rescued from the computer slot where it was not-so-tenderly shoved and Camden will live to see his 3rd birthday. Without further ado, Easter pictures!

Camden was so excited about his first official Easter egg hunt. They gave out bags of candy at the beginning and he clung tightly to it. He didn't realize there was candy in the bag until much later, otherwise there wouldn't have been this picture.

Camden found one egg and was so proud to have it! The Easter egg hunt was rather lame, but he had fun and that's all that matters. Easton, as usual, slept through the entire thing.

We had so much fun decoarting eggs together. Cam had to count them all to make sure there really were 12 eggs. He also insisted each egg had a name.

Of course the boys got new clothes for church and I had to take a picture. Notice the look of terror on Easton's face. "Mom, you're going to let Camden hold me? Are you crazy?!?!" Yes my dear child, I am. May you live to tell the tale.

Finally Camden actually looked at the camera and smiled. Easton looks resigned to his fate of being held by big brother.

And one last picture of a smiling squishy. I love those cheeks and that smile! Chubby babies rock my world!

In this spot . . .

2008-03-25T13:43:00.002-07:00

In this spot you should be seeing MLM (now a week and one day late), but you're not because I still haven't gotten around to it. I want to write a longer post and just haven't had time (doing fun stuff like decorating eggs and cookies with my kiddos over spring break). It will be up sometime this week. Thanks for being patient with me.

In this spot I was going to do an Easter post, showing lots of pics of my sons. But Camden, that dear, sweet, almost 3 year old boy, had some fun with the camera card and our laptop, so said laptop is currently at the computer repair shop where they can hopefully extract said camera card from the card slot on the computer (where Camden jammed it in sideways). The fun of toddlers!

No time

2008-03-18T10:50:00.002-07:00

As you can see, I never quite got MLM up yesterday. I had really good intents. I even thought about the post last night as I laid in bed, not falling asleep. As much as I want to, I won't get it up today either or in the next few days. I figure many people did something with St. Patrick's Day (at least I hope), so I will post this week's topic (your greatest adventure) next week. If you have already completed it, post your link next week. If, like me, you haven't even started, you have another week to get it done.

I never knew how hard it would be to work full time and take care of two children. I love my life, but is a crazy hectic life. Between wearing the hats of wife, mother, and teacher, I also wear the hat of mentor teacher and department head at my school. Right now there are lots of deadlines looming in all these areas (taxes at home, ordering new textbooks, completing mentoring paper work, setting up school visits, etc), so this will probably be my one and only post for this week. Hopefully by Monday things will calm back down again and I will be back on track! Thanks for hanging in there with me!

My Life Monday - pictures

2008-03-10T07:04:00.006-07:00

I assigned this topic really quick last week because it was the first thing I could think of that sounded fun. And I planned all week to take a really cool picture of some sort. But that never happened (surprise surprise). So I'll use this as an excuse to show off pictures of my boys!

This is Chef Camden. He loves to dress up. This cute hat and apron were made for him by a friend of ours. Whenever he "cooks" in his kitchen, he has to wear this.

Camden loves to line up things in what he calls "slides". For this one he took every single Magnetic in our house and lined them up in a huge snake around the living room. He was very proud of himself.

And this post wouldn't be complete without one picture of the squishy I call Easton. No story, just a really cute baby!

Next week's topic - share your greatest adventure. Whatever that may be. :) Leave a comment if you participated this week, as well as your link. Oh, and please either leave me some MLM ideas in the comments or email me some. I need more! We can also recycle old ones if you so wish. Thanks!

My Life Monday - 6 word life memoir

2008-03-03T16:20:00.005-07:00

Today was busy at school, but at least I got it up before Monday ended! Today's topic is the 6 word life memoir described here. This was a hard one even for me! I'm still not satisfied with my answer, but it will do for now.

I first thought of posting "I am a child of God," but decided that was the easy way out. Then I thought of "Taking the road less traveled," but thought maybe that wasn't totally accurate. I really liked Musical Mom's after I read it and wish I had thought of it first. This is what I finally came up with.

Divinely guided through life's thorny paths.

Not much, but I feel it really fits my life. I can't wait to see what others put.

For next week I haven't had much time to think of a topic, so I'll just throw something out - share a recent picture and the story behind it. Have fun and be creative! Be sure to leave your link below if you participated today!

A blossoming friendship

2008-02-28T10:26:00.003-07:00

Before Easton was born, I was worried how Camden would adjust to the change of a new little person in the house. Cam can be a bit stubborn and set in his ways and I knew Easton would turn his world upside down. When Cam first met Easton in the hospital, he basically ignored him. When Easton came home, Camden wanted nothing to do with him. Easton was a nuisance who took time away from Camden. I worried then that they may never like each other much. As time as gone on, however, signs point to the idea that they may become good friends.

Camden will lay down next to Easton, hold his hand, and talk to him. He loves to show Easton new things and new tricks. He'll bring a paci when Easton is crying. The other night though, Camden melted my heart.

We were eating dinner and Easton had just awoke from a nap. He was in his swing while we ate. As time wore on, he began to fuss because he wanted Mom to hurry up and finish eating so I could hold him. Camden got down from his place at the table and went and stood by Easton's swing. He patted Easton's head and told him, "It's ok brother." Then he told East to "hold on" and Cam ran into the living room. He came back with a rattle for Easton. He put it in East's hand and told him, "Here you go." And he stayed there by East for the next few minutes while I finished eating. As I watched Cam's care and concern for his brother, I realized their relationship is changing. They are becoming friends. I only hope that friendship continues to grow.

My Life Monday - returning next week

2008-02-25T10:07:00.003-07:00

I've been asked by many people to bring back My Life Monday (MLM). I promised them I would start again in March, so here we go. I loved this in the past and hope to do better this time around. Not sure what MLM is? Click on the label link on the right hand side to see what we have done in the past.

Your topic for next week is to write a 6 word life memoir. This is inspired by Ernest Hemingway. It is said he was once challenged to write a story in 6 words. His story was "For sale: Baby shoes, never worn." There are more examples here. So start thinking. I know it's going to take me some time to think of how to summarize my life in only 6 words. Come back next Monday after you post and leave your link for us all to read. Can't wait to see you there!

Also, if you have topic ideas for MLM, please post them or email them to me.

So blessed

2008-02-21T11:32:00.005-07:00

I am so blessed. I am the mom to two beautiful boys. Two boys I thought I'd never get to have. Five years ago I never though I'd be sitting here with one beautiful child, let alone two. I'm still amazed. I look at my two boys and am shocked that I am a mother, that these boys came from me and belong to me. I now say "children" instead of "child" and "sons" instead of "son." We are a family of four now. Wow!

Words cannot even begin to express how grateful I am to have these children, to be a mom. Each night I drop to my knees and thank my Heavenly Father for these blessings. I now know what they mean when they say your posterity brings you joy because I feel it each day when I am with my sons. Each smile, each laugh, each age, each stage. It all brings me joy. I am blesses, so very blessed.

Out with the old, in with the new

2008-02-19T13:23:00.002-07:00

I'm updating my links on the side of my bar. Many are for blogs that no longer exist, no longer blog, or have moved locations. If you'd like to be added, please leave a comment and I'll update later this week.

Kid Funny

2008-02-19T13:22:00.003-07:00

Cam walked by me as I got out of the shower this morning. I had a towel wrapped around my shoulders only and he, in perfect almost-3-year-old sincerity, said, "Nice shirt, Mom." I love that kid!

My Growing Boys

2008-02-14T09:03:00.006-07:00

My boys are getting so big! Easton is a dream baby. He sleeps well, eats fast, and is so happy and smiley. He is a true blessing! Here is a picture from a few weeks ago. He's 8 weeks old now.

Camden got his first stitches a few weeks ago. He fell off the couch and hit his head on a toy. He was sure proud to show them off. I am so blessed to be the mom of such great boys!

Announcing

2007-12-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

The arrival of baby Easton! He joined our family on December 17, 2007 at 10:02 p.m. Like his big brother Camden, he weighed 7 lbs 5 oz, but was an inch longer at 20 inches long. We induced early in the morning and I made great progress for several hours, but labor stalled out in the late afternoon. After several scary heart decelerations and no labor progress, Easton was born via c-section late that night. It was a different birth than Camden, but I am recovering well. We are so glad Easton is here! Here is one quick picture of him right after birth.

Officially overdue

2007-12-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

And still waiting. Cam was one whole day early, so I have to admit, I was hoping. We have an induction scheduled for Monday if baby doesn't appear before then.

And my spacebar isn't working very well. Justapointofinterest.

Stick a fork in me

2007-12-05T08:22:00.000-07:00

I'm done! I'm very ready for little guy to make his appearance, but so far, nothing much happening in that area. I'm getting grumpier and grumpier as I wake up each day still pregnant and not in labor. Everything is ready for little guy. His room is ready. Clothes are washed and put away, waiting for him to wear them. The house has been deep cleaned from top to bottom, including the carpets. My lesson plans are done and ready to go. Our house is decorated for Christmas and all our shopping is done. I'm really hoping for something soon! I have a tentative induction date scheduled for the 11th if I want it, but I'm not sure if I do. I went into labor with Camden on my own and would really like to go into labor with this one on my own too, but I also don't want a birthday too close to Christmas. So I debate and debate what is best and hope my body makes the decision for me before then. Short update, but there you go. Hopefully I will be posting soon to announce the birth of my little guy!

After an almost 3 month absence

2007-10-09T11:52:00.000-07:00

I return with a post of sorts. I read blogs regularly, but just have lost a lot of desire to blog. I don't promise to update lots, but I will post now and again and try to comment on your blogs more.

So what's been happening in our house the past several months? Nothing real exciting. This whole working full time, being a mom, and growing a baby has been kicking my butt for the past two months. I've finally got my feet under me at work and found some balance in all these areas.

Baby boy has about 8.5 weeks till his due date and I have about 8.5 million things to get done before then. I'm nesting big time and trying to get my house clean, as well as his room prepared and lesson plans done at school. I think we have a name for him. I say think because dh has decided, but I'm not 100 percent sure yet. Nothing has quite grabbed me the way Cam's name did.

Camden is an amazing genius boy, at least to me and his father. He's 2.5 now and so much fun! He counts to 20, knows all his ABC's, shapes, and colors, and also tries to read certain books. He LOVES to make letters out of noodles, twigs, or whatever else he can get his hands on. He's opinionated and stubborn, but so delightful. He also is into so much toddler mischief, like dumping a full cup of milk over the dog at dinner the other night. He has a fascination with small objects and can often be found carrying around pieces from a game or a small ball of some sort. We went through a month of sleep hell with him which luckily ended right before school started. He's turning into a big boy in so many ways. He refuses to sit in a high chair or booster chair anymore, he must drink from a big cup at dinner, and has gone to a big boy bed. He's so proud of himself when he learns something new and shouts "I did it!" I can't wait to see him as a big brother.

So there you go. Not much of an update, but something.

It's a boy!

2007-07-16T20:59:00.001-07:00

Yes, we're having another boy. Unlike his older brother, this baby was more than willing to show the goods right away. We're excited to have another boy, but have no names picked out. I'm open for suggestions. Boy names are the hardest for me because of teaching school - many names get ruined forever. Plus I have specific naming rules. They are as follows:

1. No made up names. It must be a real name with a normal spelling.
2. No gender neutral names.
3. No redneck names like Wyatt.
4. It cannot be one of the following (if you have a child with these names, please don't be offended) - Seth, Ethan, Andrew, Daniel, or Nathan.

I like names that end in N (although I am open to many others) and they must have a nickname possibility.

So, share with me any boy names you just love that fit in my rules! I have a very short list right now and am looking for all suggestions. Bring on the boy names!

Time to guess the gender!

2007-07-10T17:47:00.000-07:00

I really suck at blogging in the summer. It seems like so many other things come first. Right now I am taking two classes online, so much of my computer time is spent there. Plus my stepson is here right now and he sleeps in the room with the computer. Being a teenager, he hides in his room most of the day, so my computer time is limited. He leaves later this week, so I should have more blogging time then. I read your blogs still, but don't have much time to comment. I promise to say hi to each of you soon!

Things are going well. I am 18 weeks pregnant today. We rented a doppler with this baby, so every Sunday we listen to the heartbeat to reassure me the baby is still doing well in there. I love being pg and am so grateful for this blessing! Our big ultrasound is the 16th. Hopefully we'll find out what this baby is then. Camden was a shy stubborn baby (much like real life) and it took four ultrasounds to find out what he was. We tried twice at the dr office, once at the big ultrasound, and finally went to Fetal Fotos to find out. The tech had to sit there with the wand on his butt for ten minutes before he decided to spread his legs and show the goods. We're hoping this baby will be more cooperative. So now is the time to put in your guess. Leave a comment with your guess. I have an impression, but I was wrong with Camden, so won't share that impression in case I am wrong again. I will update sometime in the afternoon on the 16th with our news!

Coming out of the closet

2007-05-30T06:57:00.000-07:00

Not that closet, but the pregnancy closet in which I have been hiding for the past few months. Yes internet world, I am pregnant again. After what happened the last time, I sat on this announcement until I felt safer. I didn't want to share and then go through another loss, so I have been waiting. But I've had two appointments now that show a beautiful growing baby with a strong heartbeat, and I made it to the 12 week mark. After yesterday's 12 week appointment, I feel comfortable sharing my secret now. I know things can still go wrong. The experiences of my friend K and M and so many others show me that. But I am trusting in the Lord that we will have a baby this time around. So far we are headed in the right direction. Baby #2 will be joining our family around December 11th!

Reflections on Mother's Day

2007-05-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day was a hard day for me for many years. I belong to a religion in which family plays a central role. Because of that, services on Mother's Day really emphasize mothers and motherhood. During the years of infertility, this day was the most painful of any in the year. It was one more reminder that I was not a mother and may never be a mother. At the end of sacrament meeting each Mother's Day, all women over the age of 18 were invited to stand a receive a gift. Although meant for all women, it was another stab in the heart and I resented it. The day became so painful for me that it was easier not to attend church on that day. I would stay home and wallow in my sadness over missing the joys of motherhood. Even the promises of motherhood in the next life did nothing to soothe my pain.

Although I am a mother now and I enjoy the home aspects of Mother's day (a special breakfast, extra cuddles with Cam, etc), the church issue is still hard for me to deal with. I know there are women in that audience hurting over not being a mother or their feelings of failure as a mother. Each year, in spite of motherhood, I still have dread over attending church on this day. I go to church on this day now, but I am very aware of how things are worded and the pain they may be causing others. I want to hug each one of those hurting women and tell them I am so sorry for their pain and heartache. Even with the title of mother now, I cringe at some of the comments made yearly in a church setting.

This year at church, the comments at church annoyed me as usual. I knew the pain they would cause to women out there struggling with infertility and the heartbreak. But for me, there was a small moment of healing meant for my heart alone.

After Sunday School, I went to the bathroom while Mark went and picked up Camden from nursery. As I came into the chapel to meet my family, I heard Camden calling for "Mama." As soon as he saw me, he ran up to me, calling my name, and handed me a blue piece of card stock. On it was a little poem about hand prints and there was his little hand print. The nursery workers had the kids make these for their mother's. Brave women that they are, they dipped each child's hand in black paint and placed it on the paper. And even more amazingly, there was no trace of black paint on Camden's skin or church clothing. It thoroughly touched me the effort put in by these women to make these small tokens for the mother's of the children 3 and under. And even more touching was Cam's excitement in presenting me this paper. He was so proud of himself! I cried as its simple beauty touched my soul. In that moment, a bit of healing came over me and the pain of Mother's Day at church lessened to a degree for me alone.

I know that day was hard for many women. I understand and I empathize. I am so, so sorry for anybody struggling through infertility and its pain. I am grateful, however, that for a brief moment I could see the beauty of such a day in a day that has been painful for so many years. I am grateful for that small moment of healing. I hope I never forget how Mother's Day can be a painful reminder for many women. But I also hope I never forget the moment my heart received a small moment of healing on this day. My hope for you, if you are struggling through this, is that you can find healing on that particular day as well.

A Post!

2007-04-30T08:16:00.000-07:00

I've been a bad blogger lately. I just haven't had the time to blog much here. And I don't have much to say either. But here are some pictures of some of our adventures recently.

This is the little cutie during an Easter egg hunt at Grandma's house. He had a blast!

A picture with Mom actually in it! Since I rarely make an appearance in pictures. If you are wondering why we're dressed alike, we had family pictures just about an hour before this lil Easter egg hunt, so most of the family is wearing black and khaki.

Camden at the zoo with cousins. He was so sad when he had to leave his cousins.

Camden and the penguin. The penguin kept trying to figure how to get out to visit Cam personally and Cam wanted it to come.

Camden playing on the rocks at the park. Again, he had a blast and didn't want to leave!

Camden recently turned two! I can't believe I now have a two year old. So I'll be back soon with pictures from his birthday.

My Life Monday - dreams

2007-04-02T12:59:00.000-07:00

Would you look at that? A MLM on a Monday! Please, hold the applause. Today I am so excited to read about your crazy dreams. And of course you get to read some of my doozies.

As a child, I always had the same dream when I was sick. I don't know why, but I would dream I was chasing knots on a snowy TV screen. Each time I got close to a knot in this gigantic rope, it would fade away again and I would run the other direction after another knot. In the background was always a buzzing sound, like many bees on the loose. I've often wondered what that dream could have meant, but each time I got sick, it came again.

For the past year, I've been having recurring dreams with friends from high school in it. It's always the same two friends. I keep in touch with these friends, but I am not sure why they appear in dreams on a regular basis. It doesn't matter what kind of dream; often these two friends will show up. Nothing weird happens in the dreams - we just talk and interact with each other - but I wonder why it is these two friends I only see on an occasional basis.

I often get asked if I get dreams about going to school naked as a teacher. I never do, but before the start of each school year, without fail, I have a dream in which my first class will be starting in a matter of minutes and I'm not ready. There are no bulletin boards up, I haven't made copies of my first day of school papers, I'm running around like crazy, and frustrated I am behind. This dream makes perfect sense to me since I have to have my room completely set up and all materials ready before the first student walks in my classroom door. This dream just relives the thoughts I have during the day.

Most of the time I don't remember dreams for long, but I do have doozies on a regular basis. I'll tell them to Mark and he'll just marvel. Lately I've had a few that have scared the crap out of me. I'm going to Idaho for Easter break and my dream takes place around my parent's house. In both dreams, somehow Camden gets away from me near their house and I don't notice. So I'm searching for him at twilight and am completely panicked because he is nowhere to be found. In one dream, several people are out searching and we can't find him. In the other, a stream runs behinds some house and I lose him near that. In both there is a great sense of foreboding and loss. I wake up scared and have vowed to not let Camden out of my sight at my parent's house when we visit this week.

Usually my dreams are more crazy and make no sense. Like I'm on American Idol but I can't sing and yet people keep voting for me (Sanjaya anyone?). Or I'm a secret spy and saving the world. I'm always thin in my dreams, and irresistible too. I've had some crazy ones lately, but as I want to share, of course I can't remember them. So if I do, I'll come back and share.

Remember to leave your link below if you participate. Since I will be gone for awhile, there is no topic for next week. I'll update sometime next week with the next topic.

My Life Monday - My personal Philosophy

2007-03-28T08:18:00.000-07:00

I have been mired in the world of teenage novels and textbook adoption as we prepare to get new books for next year. I'm in charge of textbook adoption, so it's been fun ordering books and reading books and reviewing them. But I am taking a break from it (and the massive stacks of papers I have to grade) to finally post this, late once again.

So today, I share my personal philosophy on child rearing. Realize I am only a mother of one so I may not really know what I am talking about. LOL!

As a teacher, I see children who are beaten down, who have little to no self esteem, who have seen more in their 14 short years than some adults see in a lifetime. It breaks my heart to see so many walking wounded, maybe not physically wounded, but psychologically. I see so many children who have no clue how to function in the real world, who are saved from the consequences of their actions by their parents. I see so many children who are left to parent themselves and try to determine what is right or wrong. Because of that, I have very defined views on how I want to raise my son (and hopefully future children as well).

I strongly believe in choices and letting children have them. Let them understand the natural consequences, positive or negative, of their choices. Sometimes I want to rescue Camden from his choices or force my will on him, but he won't learn that way, so I have to remind myself to step back and let him learn. I think that is one of the hardest thing about being a parent, not saving your child from their mistakes. It is my job to teach him right from wrong and then let him choose from there.

My biggest parenting philosophy is parenting with love. I don't want to be the one to wound my son's confidence, integrity, and sense of self. It's a hard world out there. People are cruel to each other over tiny differences. I see it every day at school, students leaving battered and bruised emotionally from peers, family, and other supposed loved ones. Camden will receive enough wounds outside the home; I don't want them inflicted in our home. I want our home to be his safe haven, where he always feels love and acceptance. I want it to be the place where he can recover from the darts given by the world. He deserves to know that there are two people who think the world of him, who think he is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

There are consequences for actions and at times we may be disappointed in his choices, but I want him to know that though we may be disappointed in a choice, we are never disappointed in him. I want him to know unconditional love. I don't want my children to live in fear of the moods of one of their parents, never knowing when that parent will blow up and abuse them either mentally or physically. When I discipline, I try to do it with love. And I try to encourage his interests, boost his self esteem, and help him develop his own strong sense of self. I want him to be strong, confident, and secure in our love and in himself. If I can accomplish those goals, then I will feel like I am a good parent.

Please leave your link below if you already posted, and if you haven't, it's not too late.

Next week's topic - An unforgettable dream. Let's share our crazy dreams with each other.

My Life Monday - An embarrassing moment

2007-03-21T10:10:00.000-07:00

Really, one of these weeks I will be on time with this. I just can't seem to get myself in gear. But that's ok! If you haven't posted yours yet, you are still more than welcome to.

I embarrass myself on almost a daily basis, so it's hard to know where to begin. I put my foot in my mouth or do stupid things so often that I have many embarrassing moments swirling through my brain. But I'll choose one from junior high.

In junior high, I did track. I didn't like it, but I did it because it seemed like the thing to do. Never mind that I hate running in any form (I also have a strong dislike for sweating) and couldn't do long distances. So I did shot-put normally. A my 8th grade year of track started, I had the brilliant idea of doing hurdles. I signed up to do them and really looked forward to it. But there was only one problem - I was scared of actually jumping over the hurdle. Every day I'd say today was the day I was going over the hurdle. Every day I walked out to the track, stretched, ran a few laps, and prepared to jump over the those hurdles. And every day, running towards them, I would stop right before it came time to jump because I was scared of them. Pathetic huh? So you think that since I couldn't jump over them in practice, I'd not even bother with the upcoming meet right? Wrong! I knew somehow I would do it during the meet and blow everybody out of the water with the prowess that I'd been hiding. I kept my name on the list of hurdlers and went to the first meet.

At the meet, they called for the hurdlers and I went over with the rest to run the race. I signed in, I got into position on the running blocks, and I waited for the whistle. When the whistle went off, I gave it my best shot. I ran and I jumped. I finally jumped! But guess what happened? Yeah, I sucked and ended up tripping over almost all of them. I fell several times, scraping and bruising myself. Everybody finished the race long before I did. When it was over, I walked off the track in extreme embarrassment and humiliation. The coach came over to talk to me afterwards. He hadn't even realized I hadn't been practicing. He wasn't a very good coach and added to my humiliation. I can't remember what he said, but I do know I never liked him again. And the next day at school, some jerky boy imitated my hurdle race in math class. He found this to be his entertainment for the next week or so.

Needless to say, I never did track again. I look back now and wonder what the heck I was thinking, but in that youthful arrogance, I was sure I was going to rock those hurdles, even without practice. That moment is truly a moment I wish the ground had opened up and swallowed me, or at the very least, somebody had slapped me silly before the race even started and told me I had no business in trying to hurdle. It is one that still embarrasses me to this day.

Next week's topic - My personal philosophy. Share with us your philosophy on anything - life, raising children, marriage, you name it! What is your philosophy?! Please leave your link below if you participated this week!

My Life Monday - The Me not many people know

2007-03-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

Although I assigned this topic and had time to do it yesterday, it's been a hard topic to complete. I feel I show all sides to myself on here for the most part, so I wonder, what part can I share with you that may be different and unique. I'm actually hoping in the process of typing, I'll come up with something new!

I often feel there are two parts of me. There is the confident, sure of herself, intelligent, and fun teacher/mom/wife combination. In those capacities of teacher, wife, and mother, I'm pretty sure of myself. I'm confident, vibrant, talkative, and have tons of fun with my students, husband, and son. I think this is who I really am and it's who I want to portray most to other people. This is the way I am at home and at work, as well as on the Internet for the most part.

But with others, especially those I don't know well, I turn insecure and shy. I have a hard time talking and feel socially awkward and unsure of how I come across. For this reason, I feel I don't have many in real life friends and have a hard time making them because I'm sure I come across as an idiot. I have a hard time talking to those I perceive as better than me in some way - prettier, smarter, craftier, more fertile, etc. etc. etc, which is quite a few people. Hence, I find myself feeling shy and alone in groups where I should be comfortable, like church and my neighborhood. Most of my real friends (outside of work friends) are online friends. Is that pathetic of me?

So I guess the side of me that not many people know is the second for the Internet world. I can talk easily on here because hey, I've not met most of you and you don't intimidate me (as much)! But to the real life people, the first side is the one not many people know because the second side dominates. I really want to let the first side show through more, so I am working on that. I don't want to be the socially awkward, insecure person forever. Any tips on how to get over that?

Next week's topic - An Embarrassing experience. Make us laugh! Share some of the embarrassing things that have happened to you!

Also, please share any ideas you have for future topics. I have a few some of you have given me, but I'd love more.

A sense of failure

2007-03-08T10:43:00.000-07:00

I started my second round of Clomid since the miscarriage. Sigh. Why does it make me feel like such a failure? Every time I go to pick up my prescription, a feeling of humiliation comes over me. Every time I start taking the pills, the same thing happens. I felt humiliated when I lost my baby too and could hardly talk about it to others because of the huge feeling of failure. I guess it's the reality that my body doesn't work the way it should and that getting pregnant may never be an easy thing. Others do it all the time on their own, but I have to depend on medications to even have a chance to try to get pregnant. I've ovulated twice on my own in the almost seven years I've been married. The rest are all chemical induced ovulations. While I am very grateful there are medications and I don't have to take the super expensive ones, it's a sense of failure each time. It's a feeling of being betrayed by my body.

People tell me if I lose weight, I'll get pregnant easily. After all it happened to them or to somebody they know. I am working on losing weight. I've lost 14 pounds in the past two months and I weigh less now that I did when I got pregnant with Camden. But even then, weight loss doesn't always work. Both times I have ovulated on my own have been right as I start eating well and exercising. But it doesn't continue into the next cycle. It seems to be a one shot deal. I know weight loss will help with fertility, as well as so much psychological crap, but it doesn't mean it will be the cure all. I could lose 40 pounds and still have to take medications, so I hate such generalizations that because I am heavy, that's the reason I can't get pregnant.

I've realized my biggest struggle this time around. I don't doubt this time that I will get pregnant. That was my issue before, but I've now been pregnant twice (even though only one resulted in a baby). My issue is timing. I have an idea in my head how far apart I want my children. Camden is almost 2 and I really wanted my children about two years apart. But I'm realizing that my time frame is not the Lord's time frame. I know I will have more children. That is not a doubt in my mind at all. I'm just frustrated that it is not happening when I want it to. I also realize that as long as I am doing everything I possibly can to try to get pregnant, the rest is in the Lord's hands. He knows the longing of my heart. He knows how much I want this for me, for our family, for Camden. And just like He sent Camden at just the right time, He'll send the next one at just the right time. If I am doing all I can, I have to leave the rest up to him. I know by taking the medications, continuing to lose weight, and timing sex the best we can, that I am doing all I possibly can and trust the Lord will take care of the rest when the time comes. My problem is I am not a patient person. I want things when I want them and I want it now! LOL! I've got to learn to accept a time frame that is not my own.

Before Camden, I looked at those who had one child and complained because they didn't have a second one and I mocked them in my head thinking at least they have one! I always thought if I had one, I would never complain again and I would be completely satisfied. And now I find myself on the other side of wanting a second child so desperately and aching because it isn't happening. I now regret my previous judgments. I'm so grateful I have Camden. He is truly a blessing and light in my life. Every day I delight and take joy in him. He amazes me with everything he does and learns. I look at him in awe, wondering how we created a little person so beautiful, so smart, so funny, and so amazing in so many ways. He is truly a blessing and a miracle. Because he is so incredible to us, we want another. And so we wait, and pray, and trust, and take the medications again, in spite of the sense of failure that comes by having to do so, and hope that this time around, the Lord's timing will match our desire.

My Life Monday - foods

2007-03-06T14:01:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I realize I'm a little over a week late. No good excuses, just plain not wanting to blog. :) But here I am today! The topic was - foods you like and dislike.

Foods I love

-Tomatoes! I love tomatoes and Mark thinks I am crazy because of it. Yum! I'll eat them in almost any form. Cam loves them too!

-Broccoli - Again, I love broccoli. It's one of my favorite veggies to eat.

-Wheat toast with butter. There is something very comforting about this. If I am sick, it's often what I want to eat when food starts to sound good again. I also eat this a lot after any sort of surgery or medical procedure. But the bread has to be wheat.

-Cereal. I could live on cereal. I could eat it for every meal for every day. Mark calls cereal my stand-by food because I am always eating it.

-Red grapes. I can eat these almost every day. Yum!

-Chocolate. I really didn't like much chocolate until I got pregnant with Camden. Then I started to crave it and now have a chocolate sweet tooth. But I can still only eat small amounts before I get sick of it.

-Chicken Cordon Bleu. My favorite dinner Mark makes. He does a delicious baked one and I look forward to it.

-Potatoes. I'm an Idaho girl at heart. Potatoes are a love of mine. Baked, mashed, fried, roasted, give me potatoes!

-Cheesecake. My absolute favorite dessert. Especially with a raspberry topping. I am drooling thinking of it.

-Carrots. I eat baby carrots every day for lunch. I never get sick of them.

Foods I hate

-Salad dressing. Out of all the foods I hate, this is at the top of my list. I cannot stand any sort of salad dressing in any form. Ranch, vinaigrette's, oil based, you name it and I hate it. Just the smell makes me gag. When pregnant, salad dressing must be eating in another room because the smell affects me that much. I won't eat any sort of pasta salad either because it usually has a dressing on it. I will not eat anything made with any sort of dressing. They all gag me. What do I eat on a salad then? Lemon juice. Yup, I squirt lemon juice across my salads. Yum!

-Mayonnaise/Miracle Whip. Again, I hate this in any form and will not eat it. Occasionally I add a minute amount to tuna to moisten it, but that's about it.

-Cheese. Ok, I like cheese, but not very much of it. So I like pizza with less cheese. I'll eat it on tacos, pizza, and other things, but not very much of it. I have a hard time making a recipe if it calls for more than a cup of cheese.

-Mushrooms. Ick! Who likes those things?

-Spinach. I try to like it, I really do. But it really is something I have to force myself to eat. I keep thinking that I'll find a good way to cook it, but so far, nothing.

-Ripe bananas. I only like green bananas. Once they turn fully yellow, yuck! Keep them away from me!

-Chicken with a tomato sauce on it. I don't know why I can't stomach that, but I can't. It just seems wrong to me.

-Any sort of spongy egg dish like quiche or souffle. I can't stand the texture!

So those are a few of my crazy likes and dislikes. If you have already completed this, please leave your link below. If you haven't, feel free to do so and then come back and link. I look forward to reading your lists! Next week's topic - The me not many people know. Share a side of yourself we may not know already. Also, if you have ideas for MLM topics, please leave them in the comments. I need some more ideas!

It's the thought that counts?

2007-02-23T08:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was hanging out with Cam and Mark when there was a knock on the door. We opened it to find my Father in Law bearing a gift for me. We couldn't figure out what this was for and so we asked. FIL said it was for my birthday. Now that's sweet and all, but my birthday isn't until September! And they've always given me the gift then. Mark and I were baffled and couldn't figure out how they got the date wrong this year. We wracked our brains trying to figure out who they might have confused my birth date with. And then it hit me because I can remember useless dates like none other. Mark's ex wife has a birthday in February right around this time. Yup, MIL, in a state of sickness, confused my real birthday with the ex's birthday. It's the thought that counts right?

My Life Monday - Late again

2007-02-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I am late in getting this up. Life has been busy and with a three day weekend, I lose all track of time.

I've had several growing experiences, like most of us. I've talked about some before such as infertility to a degree. Today I want to focus on one as a teenager which shaped much of my religious and personal beliefs and I feel, to a degree, shaped my future.

When a junior in high school, I had two sets of friends. One was my really good LDS friends who shared my same beliefs. The other were good people, but ones who liked to drink and such. I got involved with the second group because my on-again off-again boyfriend of the time liked to party and I wanted to be with him. I felt I was walking the fine line of both groups pretty well.

Although I never drank at parties, I went to drive my friends home safely. And although I was seen at parties, I was sure everybody knew I was still a good girl who lived her religious values.

As time went on, the line between my two lives became blurrier. As a result, I wasn't sure which way to go anymore with my life. I felt I had to make a decision - stay with my friends who were good people, but not living the best lives, or stay with my friends who shared my convictions.

In February of my junior year, something happened which compelled me to make a choice. While out skiing one weekend, a friend of mine was in a skiing accident and lost his life. I had my grandpa die before this, but had never been touched by the death of a peer until this moment. His death made me realize how fragile life can be. I realized I could die at any moment too and I questioned what sort of life, and person, I wanted to be. What kind of legacy did I want to leave behind? What kind of person did I want to be remebered as?

I decided I had to cut it off with my partying friends. While good people, that was not the lifestyle I wanted for myself. No matter how many times I told myself I was being a good friend by driving them home or that it didn't rub off on me, I wasn't being true to myself and what I held dear. I wanted to be known as a person of strong beliefs, who stands up for those beliefs. So I stopped spending time with those friends in order to become the person I wanted to be.

It was a very hard thing to do. My LDS friends welcomed me back with open arms, but there were a lot of shadows of doubt. My old friends couldn't understand my reasoning. And I had a hard time breaking away from the on-again, off-again boyfriend.

It took a year to recover from the choices I made, to recover my image, and the trust of many people. I still miss those old friends and wonder if I handled it in the right way. They were good people, but not the kind of life I wanted to live. I often think of those friends and would like to explain myself to them now when maybe we could see more clearly the reasons.

This experience was growing in that after this, I always chose friends who believed what I did and encouraged me to be a better person. I never again questioned my religious convictions (well, up to the infertility I should say, which questioned them in a different way). It really shaped my future and I believe my life has been forever changed by that decision all those years ago.

Share your link below if you participated, even if it's late. Next week's topic (and I will be on time with it) - Food likes and dislikes. I want to hear about all the strange things you either really love or really hate.

The artist formerly known as Mom

2007-02-13T19:33:00.000-07:00

I take great pride in the fact that the first word Camden said was "Ma." It should have been his first word, considering how I drilled it into his tiny baby head. While Dad was naively at work, I was at home saying the word "Momma" over and over again hoping Cam would pick up on it. After all, wasn't it my right to have that be his first word after carrying him in my body for 9 months and for then spending an hour and a half trying to push his huge noggin out? I was well rewarded for all my efforts as "Ma" was his first word, which gradually evolved into "Momma."

It caused no small amount of distress for Mark that Camden didn't say "Dada" for the longest time. Camden would call my parental name again and again, but Daddy was left out in the cold. Feeling sorry for poor Mark, I worked on getting Camden to say "Dada." After a few months, he decided to add that to his vocabulary as well and life was good. Although Camden didn't call us by name often, the fact that he could call both of us by a proper name was a time of rejoicing for us.

Over the past few months, Camden has had a HUGE language explosion in both sign and speaking. And I was thrilled when somewhere along the line he learned to sign Mom and Dad, as well as say those words. But I've noticed over the past few weeks that something got lost. Apparently, Camden decided it was too much effort to call both of his parents by a separate name. Why have two names when one was good enough? It was just too much extra effort to keep two names for such seemingly interchangeable people. And can you guess which name he decided to drop? Yup, the one near and dear to my heart - "Momma."

I'm not sure when it happened, but I've noticed over the past few weeks that he says and signs "Daddy" repeatedly. Yes, he's even upgraded to the word "Daddy" for this. He does it when Mark is at work, when Mark is at home, when we're all together as a family. And at first I thought he was just stuck on Dad, which is ok. But then I realized he was using it to refer to both of us. I come out to pick him up from day care? He signs and yells "Daddy." He comes to see me at work? "Daddy" again. Mark will be at work and Camden will wander around the house shouting "Dad", "Dad", "Dad" until he finds me and then he stops.

Mark's noticed it too. I think he's secretly gloating in it, like I did when Camden first said "Ma," but he pretends to feel badly for me and tries to encourage the use of Mommy. We both try to get Camden to say "Momma" again or to even sign it again, but he just looks at us like we're crazy.

It's getting a little confusing to figure out who Camden wants. Does he want Daddy-Daddy this time around or Mommy-Daddy? He can fall, stand up crying, say "Daddy Daddy" over and over again, but run to me for comfort and reject Mark. We can both be sitting on the couch and Cam will want to play, come up asking for "Daddy", and grab Mark by the hand and reject me. So I'm never quite sure when Mommy-Daddy should come to the rescue, unless of course, Mark is at work. Even then, it could still mean Camden just misses Daddy and really doesn't want me when he's calling Daddy's name.

I hope I get my own name back one day. But until then, you can call me the artist formerly known as "Mom."

My Life Monday - Somebody I love

2007-02-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should do something creative for the somebody I love topic, but a cold has set in and my creativity has been sapped. Besides, I love talking about the two big loves of my life - My husband and my son. So what that I've done it before? Today I'll do it in pictures.

This is seriously one of my all time favorite pictures of my boys together. I love the look of tenderness in Mark's eyes and he looks at Cam. I love how much he loves our son. He is an awesome father and husband. I am grateful every day of my life that he is mine.

This just shows the playful nature of my two boys together. Mark will always be the kind willing to lift his child up - either physically for a better look or in so many other ways. He lifts me up to new heights and inspires me to be a better person.

Again, I just love watching Mark with Cam. There is nothing sexier than a good father. And indulging in one of my favorite pastimes of reading. Look at that tender smile!

My two handsome boys! Both so special to me in so many ways. My life would not be complete without them.

I love you both!

Leave your link below and I will check your site out. Next week's topic - A growing experience. Share with us something that helped you grow in your life, whether good or bad.

My Life Monday - Pet Peeves

2007-02-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

I'm really looking forward to reading your post today! Pet Peeves can be so funny sometimes. So share and then leave your link below!

#1 - Mispronouncing or misspelling my name. It's Rachelle, pronounced Ra-shell. Not Rachel or Raquel.

#2 - Flyer's and other things left on my car. If you leave it on my car, I can guarantee you are not getting my business.

#3 - Creative spellings for kids or business names. I'm not taking my child to a place called Kiddie Kuts or something else equally ridiculous. And please do not spell a nice name like Emily in this manner - EmmaLeigh.

#4 - Forwarded emails! A simple annoyance, but it drives me crazy, especially if that is all they send. I delete without reading and if that's all a person sends, I block them (like my in laws). If you want to write me a message, great, but please don't just send me one forward after another.

#5 - Lights on when I am trying to sleep. Seriously, I don't sleep well with lights on. Thankfully Mark makes it really dark if he is going to stay up later than me.

#6 - Feeling obligated to answer the phone. I'm not a big phone person. I pick up if I want to talk, otherwise I let the machine get it. Some people get irritated by that because they hear it ringing and I ignore it. I just remind them that just because it rings does not mean I have to answer it.

So those are a few of my pet peeves. Share yours too and leave your link. Next week's topic - Somebody you love. Since it's Valentines next week, highlight somebody you love and care about (doesn't have to be a spouse).

I hope I always remember

2007-01-31T19:27:00.000-07:00

The way Camden looked before his big boy haircut.

And after (no, that is not a razor in his mouth, but a tooth flosser - he loves to suck the mint off the edges)

I hope I always remember:

-The way he loves any animal and gets so excited when he sees one. Today he ran all around a pet store from animal to animal saying and signing what each one was.

-The way he loves to cuddle a stuffed bear while he goes to sleep.

-How he wants to hold my hand going up and down the stairs like a big boy.

-That his favorite word to say and sign is octopus.

-That right now his favorite color to say is yellow.

-How excited he gets when he gets to watch fish videos on the computer - one of his favorite things! He'll stand at the computer and say fish over and over until we pull them up.

-The way he loves cheese, raisins, and fruit.

-How excited he gets when he comes to see me at school. He came to have lunch with me on Tuesday and as soon as he saw me standing in the hall, he gave a yell and ran full blast towards me.

-The way he devours books.

-His laugh and his impish smile.

-His cute lil toddler run, as well as his cute lil toddler belly.

-How he loves to splash in water and help "wash" his body in bath time at night.

-How opinionated he can be!

-His favorite meals of mac n cheese or peanut butter and jelly.

-The cute way he signs Mom and Dad and how, when the other is at work, he'll wander around the house signing and calling their name.

-His pretend conversations with Elmo on his toy phone. He loves to pretend talk.

-His first sentence of "paydo peas" (playdough please).

-How much he loves to cuddle with his parents and his dog. He loves to put his head against ours and hug.

-The way he waves his hand and says "uv you" (love you).

-The way he imitates Mom and Dad on almost anything. Yesterday he was hopping in the kitchen like a kangaroo and waddling like a penguin because I was showing him how.

-How much he loves to hear the ABC's sung or do "Patty Cake."

-His shyness and flirtiness with new people.

-The way he folds his arms and says "amen" at the end of a prayer.

-How much he loves pounding on the piano.

-The way he takes me by the hand and leads me around the house to play a game or see something new.

He's growing up so fast. I want to hang on and remember every little moment. I love this little guy so much!

My Life Monday - Define myself

2007-01-29T14:51:00.000-07:00

I am a sister and daughter. I have a family who loves me and has seen me through some real ups and downs. And they have probably seen me at my strangest!

I am a student. Going back to college has been so much fun! I love learning and playing the role of a learner again.

I am a researcher. I love to research new subjects all the time. Knowledge is important to me. I can often be found researching a new term I heard or something that interests me.

I am a wife. I love my husband and I love being a wife. I didn't get married until I was almost 25, so I know what it was like to be single. I have the best husband in the world and I am so glad he is mine. Being a wife brings me much joy!

I am a teacher. This is probably how I define myself the most. I educate the lives of students every day. After this year, I will have taught over 1,000 students. It's amazing the lives I get to experience on a daily basis and have a small part in.

I am a mom. This is my proudest definition. I worked so hard to gain this privilege and am grateful every day of my life for my son. Nothing thrills me as much as being a mom.

I am forever infertile in my mind. I will never forget what this trial has taught me. I will probably always struggle with having/carrying children. I've often wondered how, after this part of my life is over, how I will redefine myself because this is such a HUGE part of my life right now as we try to increase our family.

I am me. I am a unique person with talents, fears, quirkiness, and so much more. Sometimes I am so busy defining myself in other ways that I forget that I am me at the end of the day, without all these titles or roles to play. Putting all my other definitions (or my many hats) aside, I am still the person I have always been, through 31 years of life. And sometimes it's good to realize that again.

I am a daughter of God. As cheesy as that sounds, it's an important definition. Although I may not always like everything about myself or even see the good in myself, I am a valuable person and am loved by a higher being. He always sees the good in me and we all need that kind of cheerleader in our lives.

Share with me who you are. Leave your link below if you participate in this MLM. I will be sure to check out your blog.

Next week's topic - Pet peeves!

The real me coming out of hiding

2007-01-24T10:53:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about my blog and who I am as a blogger. Why am I blogging and what do I hope to get out of it? Am I seeking comments and validation from other readers or am I writing for myself? Do I want to try to be witty and lighthearted or serious and thoughtful? Will talking about certain topics near and dear to me cause this blog to become a depressing place to be or will it feel more real to me? I don't know the answers yet. I have to come realize, however, that I need to let the real me out a bit more.

Last year, I blogged regularly and always had something to say. I've had several long blog silences over the summer and the subsequent months. I can blame it on being busy, laziness, illness or a million other things, but the truth is, the silences come when I am in the middle of things I'm not sure how to talk about or not quite ready to talk about.

Over the summer, the silences came because we were in the midst of trying for our second child and I wasn't sure if I wanted to share the ups and downs with the Internet world. I did that the first time through on different message boards and it became a huge source of pain as one person after another got pregnant when I didn't. In the fall the silences came because I was pregnant, but not quite ready to share. I knew my news would bring others pain and I was afraid I would miscarry, looking like a fool who shared too soon. Over the holidays, the silences came because of the miscarriage and the feeling I had that I should "be over it already." I have so many friends who have been through worse, so what right did I have to still be sad for myself (and I still think that)?

I'm not hiding behind the silences anymore. Although it is painful to share at times, infertility is so much a part of who I am and defines my life on almost a daily basis. I have gained so much from reading other infertility blogs. Their stories encourage and inspire me. I found some dear blogging friends by searching "LDS" and "infertility", leading me to women of my faith going through the same thing. I don't want to hide that part of me anymore. I don't want to hide the pain and tears that sometimes come with this journey of trying to add another child to our family. At the same time, I don't want to become just another infertility blog. I don't want to be angst-y and whiny and only talk about that. I still don't know how much I will share and how often about this infertility beast, but my hope is that I can incorporate my traditional postings in with the daily struggle with infertility. I hope that I can be a resource or in some way help others struggling with the same thing, like I have been helped by so many others.

I'm also hoping that those of you who are pregnant, who read my blog, will continue to do so. As I have said before, I am fine with pregnant people. This is a trial in my life. Each of us have different trials. You should not feel guilty if you are pregnant of if you get pregnant easily. It does not make me like you any less or make me stop reading your blog. Please don't let it be a reason you stop visiting mine.

Up until about a month ago, I was doing really well with everything. I was at peace with the miscarriage and ready to try again, but not feeling a real sense of urgency to add another. But since then, the ache to have another child has become almost physical. It is on my mind daily, almost hourly. The longing for a second child never goes away. Sometimes I feel guilty because I have one beautiful child already and there are some who haven't even been blessed with that yet. And sometimes I feel guilty that I am not satisfied with just having Camden.

I can't describe it, but it's a constant, ever present desire to have another child. I want it with every fiber of my being. I want it for me, for our family, and for Camden. I so want him to have a sibling. I so want to go through that baby stage again. And so, I'm willing to step on the roller coaster that is infertility and ride it, will all its encompassing pain, heartache, hope, fear, joy, and tears. I don't know how long it will take. I don't know when it will happen. But I will share bits and pieces until I have another child. And I do have the faith and trust that it will happen. Now the wait and the journey begins - again.

My Life Monday - The return!

2007-01-22T08:10:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to My Life Monday! I'm so excited to be up and running again. This weeks topic is "Where I live and how I got there." I'm so excited to read your stories! If you participate, be sure to put your link below so we can all check our your bloggy. And don't forget to check the bottom for next weeks topic.

When I graduated from college, I had lived in the same town in south-east Idaho my entire life. I was single, unfettered, and ready for a change. I knew I wanted to move away with my new job, mainly to find a new market of single men. I had three criteria for my ideal job - teaching in a high school, within an hour of a big city, and no more than 3 hours away from my home town. I REALLY wanted to be on the Wasatch front in Utah, but was open to other possibilities, so I started peppering cover letters and resumes to various locations. My college had a website where you could search for job openings. Often times, it would just tell you the school district and that it had multiple secondary listings. Any job posting with either history or English listed on it, I sent off a resume. Being naive about geography, I thought nothing in Utah was more than an hour or so from Provo or Salt Lake, with the exception of St. George. That misconception was my downfall and led me to where I currently live - what I lovingly refer to as the armpit of Utah, also known as the edge of hell.

By July, I still didn't have a job. I had interviewed for several, but none were jobs I really wanted or felt good about. One was located in a really small town where I would need to get several small school endorsements to be able to teach more than just my major or minor. The town was so small they told me I would be living with a family since there were no apartments in the town. Another was an alternate school (not tough enough). Others were looking for people to also coach or were part time only. Finally, I interviewed for a job which met all my criteria. The interview went so well I was confident I would be offered a job. They were also hiring a new principal, so it would be awhile before I heard for sure, as the new principal would probably want to call me back for a second interview.

Not long after this interview, I was at home praying over this job when the phone rang. Hoping it was news on this job, I was surprised to be talking to a principal from a school in redneck land. He had my cover letter and resume and wanted to ask me some questions. While trying to do a phone interview, the phone kept cutting out on his end. We'd be able to talk for a few minutes and the phone would cut out again. Finally, after much frustration on his end, he asked me to have my transcript sent to him and he would call for my placement file (the placement file is all student teacher evaluations and letters of recommendation kept at the college. It is kept confidential from the person, so I never knew what mine said). Two hours after doing this, he called me back, said he had a job for me, told me what the pay would be, and said he would call back Monday to see if I accept.

Needless to say, I was in shock after getting off the phone. No real interview and I had a job offer. I pulled out a map to see where this redneck town was located. I was shocked to see that it met none of my criteria - I would be teaching in a junior high, be 6 hours from my home town, and three hours from a big city. I wanted to turn down the job on that alone, but my wise mom told me this was my first firm offer and maybe we should just go check it out since I had a job interview two hours away from there in a few days. So we did.

I was dead set against this job. Before I left, I prayed that I would have my heart softened and know this was the place for me if there is where the Lord wanted me. We drove in to check out the town and immediately I knew. I went from saying "if" I move there to "when" I move there. My mom had the same impression. We started checking out apartments and picking up applications.

Although I had that impression, it was still a hard thing to do. I had never lived away from home before and now I would be 6 hours away. I knew nobody in the town. The thought of being completely alone was terrifying. After accepting the job, I found out I had a week to get moved there. My parents were wonderful and helped me get everything ready to go. I didn't have much - a bed, dresser, night stand. My mom bought me a wicker love seat, two chairs, and a table to take with me. They also gave me their old kitchen table and loaded me up with everything I would need to survive my first few months until a paycheck came. In a huge caravan of three cars (my car, minivan holding food, and a u-haul), we traveled out here. I'll never forget the moment when all the boxes were unloaded, my utilities turned on (with the help of my dad who ran me around to figure it all out), and my fridge stocked with food. With one final family prayer, my parents and siblings said goodbye and drove off, leaving me alone. I sat down and cried thinking, "What have I done to my life."

Shortly before moving to the edge of hell, Utah, I had an impression I would meet my husband there and that was why I needed to move there. After my first day at institute classes (they at least had that available), I sorely hoped that impression was wrong as I was surrounded by cowboys and rednecks. The first few months were lonely, hard ones. I cried almost every time I talked to my mom. Several times I almost packed it up and went home. I didn't make friends easily since I was older than many and they had been friends for years, so they were not so welcoming to a new person. In the darkest times when I was so sad and lonely, I turned to prayer.

Eight months after moving here, I met the man who would become my husband. Thank heavens he was not a cowboy or redneck! Recently divorced, we started a family home evening group for others like us - slightly older and with no local family. Eight months after meeting we got engaged and eight months after that, we were married.

I still don't love this town. Although I have come to appreciate many of its amenities, I am too much of a city girl to stay here forever. I miss real shopping, real culture like theater opportunities, and I miss real dining in nice restaurants. It's been a good town for me in many ways, but I look forward to moving after Mark completes his bachelors degree. We're both in agreement that we are ready to leave this place at that point.

Next week's topic - define yourself. Isn't that an open ended, hard topic? How do you define who you are? What makes you define yourself in those terms? Have those terms changed or do you want them to change?

How would you like to define yourself in the future? Share with us!

Please share your stories and leave your link below for this week.

MY Life Monday returns - for good this time!

2007-01-17T11:12:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a few days - not that your world revolved around my blog and its updates or anything (you mean it doesn't? I'm so hurt!). But I've been swamped with the end of one semester and the start of another. Pesky student think their papers need to be graded and that they should know those grades (really I just roll my 9 sided dice and that determines it). And my college class? Holy intense reading. I'm a fast reader and it took my an hour to make it through 15 pages of notes last night. I've got more tonight. But I have a lot on my mind and a lot of future blogs planned. Look forward to new posts later this week.

And now for some totally random things from this weekend.

We cleaned our basement this weekend. We cleared out so much crap! What a great feeling. Now there is actually room down there. And maybe once it warms up, Camden and I can take some fun toys down there to play (it's unfinished right now, so rather cold with exposed cement walls).

Speaking of cold, our hot water pipe froze twice in the past four days. But only the hot water on the upstairs floor, which also happens to be the only full bath. So yesterday found me carrying buckets of hot water from the kitchen upstairs to the tub so I could destink. I got a work out and a bath all in one! Finally the pipe unfroze last yesterday afternoon.

Camden is sick - poor kiddo. I got a call at 11 yesterday saying he was running a fever. I had to leave work and go home with him. Luckily it was an inservice day, so I didn't miss much. We spent the day curled up watching movies together. For Cam to sit still to watch anything over half an hour long is unusual, so that tells you how sick he is.

And My Life Monday is returning! After reading all your comments and a few emails, I am bringing it back. This coming Monday will be the first new one. The topic is: Where I live and how I got there. You don't have to actually share the name of your city because this is the internet and all (I'm not sharing mine because I don't want you stalking me - yes you, the crazy thinking about it right now). Is there an interesting story as to why you live where you do? What do you like or dislike about it? Would you move? Share with us and then come post your link here. I will be up and running that morning. If you don't know what MLM is or if you need the picture, check this out. Please join us!

National Delurking Week - Part 2

2007-01-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

It's national delurking week again! I knew it was coming, but barely found out it was today (kind of late huh). I'm kind of feeling like I've lost a lot of readers over the past several months and I'm not sure why (I'm sure my big blogging absence over the summer and early fall months have nothing to do with it. LOL) So if you're still out there, make my day - leave a comment. Any suggestions for improving my blog? Should I bring My Life Monday back? Tell me something about yourself at I don’t know. And leave your url so I can return the visit.

It's back to school for me!

2007-01-09T11:27:00.000-07:00

And not just to my classroom to teach. I am actually going back to school as a student again. Although I have been teaching English for nine years and have a minor in it, I am not considered highly qualified under the No Child Left Behind act. So I am taking a few more college courses in English to get a major equivalent in English (which will get me highly qualified). After that, I plan on taking a few more classes to have a double major on paper.

Even though I teach English, I've been a bit nervous about taking a class. I haven't played the role of a student in quite a while. I'm not used to writing papers, taking tests, studying, reading assigned material. I'm used to having students do that for me! It will be an adventure.

As I went to sign up for my first class, I had a list of three choices. I need classes that work with Mark's school schedule, my work, and Camden, so my list consisted of three online classes. I told Mark I would really like the first two choices, but that I was really hoping the third class wouldn't happen since it is British literature and I'm not super fond of that. As luck would have it, guess which class is the only one I could take? Yup, British lit. And it got better from there. I then told Mark that I could handle it as long as it wasn't lit from the Middle Ages. Later that night, I looked up my book for the class. Guess what? Yup, it was British lit from the Middle Ages. My worst English nightmare.

Luckily, after looking around and playing with it, I found a class that was a little better. It's still British lit, but the more modern kind. I'm jumping in with both feet this week. Anybody out there a lover of British lit? I may be coming to you for help.

Holiday Wrap up

2007-01-04T14:59:00.000-07:00

So I'm a little late on the whole holiday wrap up thing. But hey, I have pics I want to show, so why not do it almost two weeks after Christmas?

Stepson came out for Christmas and we had a great time! He and Camden had so much fun together. Although there is a 13 year age difference, Camden worships his older brother and Kolby is so good with Camden. Although Camden didn't quite get into the whole present thing this year, he had a much better response than last year (where he looked confused in all his pictures).

Cam's stack o presents before opening.

Cam headed straight for his new kitchen. (So he got a kitchen for Christmas and he's a boy. It's up to me to train him for his future wife - better start young.)

Opening his present from stepbrother.

With his stack o presents after opening.

And one last picture. Even though it's blurry and you don't see any faces, I love that two brothers are playing together in spite the big range in ages. They were building together and Cam was imitating everything Kolby did (and yes Kolby kept him from putting pieces in his mouth).

For the New Year, I spent the day with the flu. Fun! But resolutions have been made and the D. family is on track for a (hopefully) good new year!

I'm back on track and hope to be checking out your blogs soon!

A few shout outs

2006-12-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

I've got a few shout outs of thanks to give to some MOF's who have really helped me out lately.

First of all, to Emily and her dh. Our computer at home crashed a few weeks ago, taking all of my pictures with it. To give you an idea of how bad this is, ALL of Camden's pictures over the past 20 months were on it and NONE of them were backed up to a disk. We had hard copies of some we printed out and I had some at school, but I thought we were going to loss over half our pictures. I was distraught and pretty much crying on our bulletin board when Em stepped in. She told me her dh was a computer genius and could probably help us save our pictures as long as the hard drive wasn't fried. She sent us a disk to help recover the pictures, Mark called her dh, her dh stepped Mark through, and we were able to recover ALL our pictures. I cannot tell you how relieved I am that we were able to get them all. I cried tears of joy seeing the pictures again. I learned to ALWAYS back up your pictures.

Second to Alissa who did our Christmas cards for us this year. She did an AWESOME job! I love them and couldn't be any more pleased with them. I love all her Christmas card designs as well as her photography. I only wish she lived close enough to take some pictures of our family for us.

Last of all, to the anonymous person who left this comment:

"(I'm debated whether to sign as anon or not...I'm a regular reader of your blog but I didn't think you'd want to read mine right now. I think of you often. Take care!)"

Please don't be afraid to sign my blog! I'm assuming you left this comment because you are pregnant and you think it may be too painful for me to read your blog because it discusses pregnancy at times. I really appreciate you thinking of me and having that sensitivity (not a lot of people have that same compassion), but I can assure you I am OK with pregnancy and pregnant people. Each of us have our trials in life. I know I will probably always struggle get and stay pregnant, but that's part of my trials and part of having a mortal body. I have come to accept this and am OK with it. I'm glad you don't have to go through the same thing and I mean that. I still love all my MOF's who are pregnant or who may become pregnant while I struggle with getting so. My trials may not be your trials and your trials may not be mine. One thing I love about MOF's and the blogosphere is the variety of people and their struggles they may post about. I learn from each one of you as I read your blogs. Please don't be afraid to comment just because you may be pregnant!! I really am OK with it.

Merry Christmas to all of you! I don't know if I will post again until after Christmas because we have a busy schedule the next few days. I hope it is a good holiday for each of you.

Shameless bragging post about my son

2006-12-18T08:54:00.000-07:00

At least I warned you up front.

Camden has had a language explosion in the past few weeks. It thrills me to no end to hear him trying out new words and sounds. Not only has he had a speaking explosion, but a signing explosion as well.

We've been using the videos from Signing Time to teach him sign language. We really wanted him to be able to communicate with us in more than one way and to be able to sign words he can't yet say. Since his spoken vocabulary is only about 20 words total, signing has been great for us.

In the last week, he has had a HUGE signing explosion! This past week, he did 14 new signs. He even signed his first sentence by signing "candy" and then "please". After I gave him a piece of candy, he signed "thank you." He's now using sign to tell us what he wants instead of just whining and throwing a tantrum when he can't say the word and we can't understand him.

For a long time, I wondered if teaching him sign was paying off. The videos entertained him, but didn't seem to be sinking in. He would do a sign here and there, but nothing with much consistency (except dog). But now I see the sign explosion and it thrills me to no end. I love watching him learn and I love that he can communicate with us better.

So there you have it - my shameless bragging post about Camden. I've been wanting to tell the world about his signing explosion because it thrills me so much. What would you like to brag about with your kids this week? Tell me in your comments!

Sometimes you really need a drink of water

2006-12-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

The problem with a child being raised with a dog as his only sibling so far is that sometimes that child thinks he is a dog.

I love that you can actually see his tongue sticking out in that last picture. Mmmm, dog water!

Mourn with those that mourn

2006-12-11T13:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it doesn't take much to put our trials in perspective. It's been easy to get caught up in my loss and feel sorry for myself at times. I haven't done it much, but it's happened. Then something happened this weekend that changed my outlook completely.

One of my best friends, M., was pregnant and due at the end of December. She's been like a sister to me over the years. This was her first child. The day after my D&C, she came over and let me talk as much as I needed to about my loss. Although she was big pregnant and worried about making me uncomfortable, she was there for me in a big way - one of my only in-real-life friends who was there for me.

Saturday morning I was out shopping when I received a phone call from M. She told me she had her baby that morning, a little girl. I congratulated her and then she went on to say her little girl had only lived an hour and then died. I cannot even begin to describe what those words did to me. I started sobbing then and there, my heart breaking for a friend so dear to me.

There was no indication anything was wrong with her baby until she was born. Although almost full term (born at 37 weeks) she weighed barely 3 pounds and was only 12 inches long. She also had several physical defects that many ultrasounds had not picked up. Because my friend was not able to find out the gender of her baby at the first ultrasound, several had been done to try to figure out what she was having and not one of them detected a problem. M. was in no way prepared for what happened. To top it off, the baby was breech so M. had to have a c-section. When they started the surgery, she had felt the pain of them cutting her open, so they had to put her completely under. When she awoke, she planned on being handed a perfect little baby. Instead she was being told there were problems and shortly after, her precious baby passed away.

As I sat with M. this weekend and cried with her, for the first time I was grateful I wasn't pregnant anymore. How hard it would have been to sit with her while carrying a new life. For the first time, my pain seemed so insignificant and I realized how much worse it could be. Any loss hurts and I won't diminish the pain of any loss - from early to late - for any of my readers, but I gained perspective this weekend. I am actually grateful for how my situation turned out. I realized that for me, I would have much rather gone through what I did than what M. is going through now, or what my good friend K. went through just a few brief months ago.

K. went through infertility with me. We had baby boys two weeks apart after trying together for years. She got pregnant again and in August, developed a massive uterine infection. Her baby boy was born at 19 weeks and only lived a few brief minutes.

The last several months have been filled with loss. First K., then my loss, and now M.'s. Although different in so many ways, each of us has felt the pain of losing a baby so wanted, so loved, so longed for. I realize comparing the different losses is like comparing apples to oranges, but each of these losses has touched me so deeply.

I'm at a weird point spiritually with all this. Rationally, I understand the purpose of trials. I know they are given to us to grow and to learn. And in my own trial, I have not questioned why at all. But as I watch dear friends of mine lose their children, I wonder why they have to go through this. What are they meant to learn from it? And can't they learn it in some less painful way? It breaks my heart to watch them suffer.

Life is so fragile. Bearing life is such a fragile thing. I've learned never to take for granted the birth of a healthy baby, of a successful pregnancy. I always thought that once you heard a heartbeat, you were safe in a pregnancy. And I always trusted ultrasounds to tell you when there was a problem. I realize any of it can be taken away in an instant. I have been stripped of my innocence. Never again will I feel safe in any pregnancy. Never again will I take the gift of life and of bearing life for granted. If you are one of those fortunate people who have never had a loss of this sort, count yourself lucky. If you know of anybody who has gone through such a loss, especially this time of year, give them an extra hug. I know I will be counting my blessings a little more. I will be reaching out to those who hurt a little more. As I sit with M. tomorrow as she buries her precious daughter, I will be praying for the comfort of the Lord to be upon her, upon K., and upon all who are mourning a loss.

Happy Blogoversary to me!

2006-12-07T15:03:00.000-07:00

I just realized I've had my blog for just over a year now. My first post was written December 5, 2005. In honor of that first post, I bring it back to you again, with new added commentary at the end!

We decorated our Christmas tree the other day. It was a beautiful, poignant moment as the memories of the past several Christmases flooded my mind. This year as we put the tree up, my adorable, almost 8 month old son played among the lights, clad only in a diaper. As I looked in wonderment at my little miracle, I couldn't help but remember the empty arms and accompanying pain of past years and the hope this year represents.

My husband and I married in July of 2000. By that first Christmas together, we felt strongly it was time to have a child, so we started trying. That first Christmas was full of hope and the promise of things to come. The following Christmas, 2001, we were almost a year into our trying to conceive a child and had suffered a miscarriage at Thanksgiving time. The doctor told me it was just a chemical pregnancy, but to me it was more. To top it off, we had found out we had fertility problems and who knew if we would get lucky again. That Christmas was sad, but I was sure that by next Christmas we would either be holding a new baby or at least be pregnant.

Christmas 2002 found me in the darkest place I have ever been. There was only blackness, hopelessness, and despair. We were now almost 2 years into our journey of trying to get pregnant. We had done seven, yes seven, unsuccessful rounds of fertility medications. We had been told our chances were slim that we would ever get pregnant on our own. Anguish overwhelmed me. All I wanted was a child, somebody to wake us early and then run down the stairs in excitement. Instead, we could sleep in as long as we wanted. There were no real surprises under the tree. And I was Scrooge. Not a speck of holiday cheer could be found in my soul. I teetered on the brink of losing my testimony, feeling lost, alone, and abandoned by my Heavenly Father. I understood the true meaning of Christmas, but it was lost on me as I wallowed in despair.

Changes occurred by Christmas 2003. We were still not pregnant, but I had found hope. We’d taken some time off from trying to get pregnant, started seeing a different specialist, and were feeling optimistic all around. It was still not an easy season, but I had hope, and after the previous year, that was a good thing.

Finally, Christmas 2004, I was 23 weeks pregnant and we had just found out it was a little boy. Mark would ask me what I wanted for Christmas and I would tell him nothing – I had already been given the greatest gift and he was growing safely inside me. And now we come this year, Christmas 2005.

My son, my miracle Camden, sits playing among the lights as Mark and I decorate the tree. In the background, we have Christmas music playing. We’ve put on the lights and our themed decorations and are now pulling out our special ones. We started a tradition that each year we buy an ornament or two which reflects the events of the past year. We unpack them and begin hanging them on the tree. The Vernal temple representing the year we got married. A dog representing the adoption of our puppy. A teacher ornament a student gave me. The meaningless balls of 2001 and 2002 that we bought quickly to carry on the tradition. And this year’s special ornament reading “Baby’s First Christmas 2005.”

As we hang these on the tree, Camden starts to fuss. He’s had a cold and I’m amazed he’s been good this long. I pick him up and begin to dance around the room, holding him tight. As I do, tears roll down my face. I remember the pain of Christmases past. And I see the hope of Christmases to come. No longer will our house be silent on Christmas morning. Camden won’t know what it means this year to get presents. He won’t really care. But in a few years, he’ll run eagerly down the stairs to see what Santa brought him. There will be no more sleeping in on Christmas morning and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think of the pain of the past and then the hope this little boy represents. And I send a prayer of thanks heavenward. He’s my miracle, my evidence of Heavenly Father’s love for me. I hope I can teach him the true meaning of Christmas. I hope I can raise him right. I hope I can be a good mom. Most of all, I hope Camden never doubts how much he is loved and how much he was wanted.

As we decorated the tree this year, 2006, many of the same feelings came back to me. We added this year's special ornament - to remember the angel we lost. As we do, I send a prayer heavenward - that Camden will have a sibling and know that joy. After our recent loss, I am even more grateful to have Camden. This year he's 19 months old. And instead of watching calmly while decorating the tree, he's in the middle examining each ornament (and pulling them off the tree). Again, we danced around as we listened to Christmas music. And I delight in his belly laughs as we spin in circles. He looks at me with a face full of adoration and love. With that, the Christmas spirit enters our house.

Healing and Black Friday

2006-11-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all of your well wishes. They mean the world to me. It helps to know I am not alone in this. Thank you to all the MOF's and others who have sent emails, called, and just generally been there for me. I can never thank you enough. I am doing better. I've even had a few days in a row now where I haven't shed some tears. I'm healing and moving on, slowly but surely.

Sometimes this whole thing seems surreal. I asked Mark the other night if I was ever really pregnant or if it was it all in my mind. Yes I had eight positive pregnancy tests over the course of 10 days (I'm a test-a-holic - Dollar Tree tests are cheap and great!). I had all the signs of pregnancy - tiredness, nausea, sore breasts (which I never got with Camden). I saw my baby on an ultrasound (with no heartbeat, but with definite form). But it was all over so quick that it doesn't seem like it ever really happened. There is no reminder of my pregnancy. No baby to hold and say goodbye to. No ultrasound pictures to show this baby existed. Nothing except the empty feeling in my heart and in my womb. Every morning I have to wake up and remind myself that no, I am not pregnant anymore. I have to remind myself that it wasn't a dream. I have to remind myself that our baby existed and has now said goodbye.

I have learned I am more emotionally fragile than I think I am. I think I'm doing great, handling things really well, and then somebody says something, or does something, and I find myself crying again. Like the other night when Camden came up and handed me a baby doll. As I looked at that little doll, I realized I wouldn't be having a real baby anytime soon. Or the counselor who stopped me in the hall at school and said, "Congratulations! I hear you are expecting again." And I had to tell her I had lost the baby. The worst was a parent who came into my room after school last week. He got on my case for being behind on grading. Even though I explained I'd had a personal emergency (I never told my students I was pregnant or that I miscarried) that caused me to take three days off of school, that wasn't good enough for him. He proceeded to tell me the students shouldn't have to suffer not knowing their grades because I was having personal problems. As soon as he left, I broke down. How I wanted to tell him I would give anything to have not missed those days, to still be pregnant.

I see my doctor today for the follow up of the D&C. The appointment actually scares me. Knowing I am walking into a room full of pregnant women, knowing that just a few weeks ago I sat in that office full of hope. Knowing I get to ask for all my fertility drugs all over again. I don't want to go. I think because I don't want to face another part of the reality. But I need to start one of my medications sooner rather than later, so I will go to get that.

We're going away for Thanksgiving. We're heading to my hometown in Idaho. I am looking forward to getting away. I look forward to relaxing with my son and my husband. And I get to shop at real stores and eat at real restaurants! It will be a much needed break.

I'm excited to start our Christmas preparations and shopping. Black Friday is a huge fun thing for us! We're those crazy people standing outside a store at 4 am. We go every year and love it. I've already started making my shopping list looking at the various Black Friday sites out there. I know many people who hate that shopping day, but it's a thrill for us. So if you see a frizzy haired woman with a gigantic husband going crazy at sales in Southeast Idaho, it may just be me. For now, I'm signing off until after Thanksgiving break. I hope each of you has a great one and have a fun Black Friday!

Saying goodbye to baby

2006-11-09T14:50:00.000-07:00

My mind has been a whirlpool of thoughts since Saturday. I'm amazed at how you can go from joy to sadness in such a quick time. I warn you, the full account of my miscarriage may not be pleasant to read and it is very long. But it is healing for me to share it.

This pregnancy was much easier to obtain than our adventure in conceiving Camden had been. It only took six months and three rounds of fertility medications, which was a miracle to us. Six months may be trying a long time for some, but for us, it was quick. We were thrilled when we found out we were pregnant again and prayed that all would go well. From the beginning, I had peace this pregnancy would work out the way it was meant to. I always thought if there was a problem with a pregnancy, I would know it deep inside. I never had an impression or feeling of miscarriage with this pregnancy until the week it happened.

I was supposed to have my first doctor appointment Monday, Oct. 30. The doctor always does an ultrasound at the first visit, so I was excited to know if everything was ok with baby. After waiting in the waiting room for an hour, we were called back to the examination room. I had my blood pressure and weight taken. We were just waiting for the doctor to come in when we saw him rush by. Twenty minutes later, his nurse came and told us he had been called away on an emergency and wouldn't be back that night. We were thisclose to seeing the doctor! We rescheduled for Wednesday, Nov. 8th.

On Wednesday, the day after Halloween, I woke up with a very realistic dream. I dreamed I was spotting. It was so real I actually got out of bed, went to the bathroom, and checked for blood. The next morning, I told Mark about the dream. He looked at me and said, "I dreamed the same thing last night." Now for Mark to remember what he dreams is pretty unusual. There are only a few occasions in our years of marriage that he has remembered what he dreamed. So for him to dream the same thing as me and then remember it freaked me out. The next morning, I woke up after dreaming I started to bleed. The combination of the dreams sent shivers of fear down my spine. I still felt peaceful, but was seriously counting the days until my appointment, until we could see that heartbeat and know all was well with our baby.

Although the dreams were giving me a scare, everything in the pregnancy was textbook perfect. I was a little over 10 weeks. I was still feeling gaggy and tired. I had to pee more. And my pants were all getting tight in the lower belly. I had no cramping and no spotting of any sorts. My temperature was still high (yes, I was still charting some). Nothing pointed to a problem of any sorts, except those pesky dreams.

On Saturday, I napped when Camden napped. I woke up a few hours later after a beautiful dream. I won't share the details of that dream, but if earlier dreams were pointing to a miscarriage, then this dream points to future hope. The dream was so beautiful and peaceful. And then I went to the bathroom. As always, I looked at the toilet paper, checking for any signs of trouble. And this time, there was a single spot of red.

A single spot of red. That's it. As the reality of that spot sunk into my head, tears came. Mark was at work and I wondered what to do. Wait till our appointment later in the week? Call the doctor on Monday? Go to the emergency room? I knew spotting was entirely normal in a lot of pregnancies and it could happen for many reasons. But my fear was strong. I called Mark at work, bawling on the phone. He raced home and we made the decision to go the emergency room together. We knew there was nothing they could really do for us there, but they could at least do an ultrasound. We had to know one way or another. The thought of waiting through the weekend worrying was not an option either one of us could mentally handle.

I felt really stupid in the emergency room. As the nurses and doctor asked questions and ran tests, I felt I was wasting their time with a silly concern over a single spot of red. They didn't make me feel that way, but I felt foolish being in there over something so minor. They did a urine test in the hospital and there wasn't even a hint of anything on the toilet paper. The doctor told me they had called an ultrasound technician in and we would know shortly. As we waited, Mark and I talked quietly. Mark kept telling me we would see the heartbeat and all would be ok. I told him I had to prepare myself for the worst. I honestly hoped for the best, but had to realize the possibility that we might not get the news we were hoping for. I prayed that I could handle whatever we found out.

The ultrasound technician finally came to get me. He was the father of one of my students. We discussed his son and his grade through the beginning of the ultrasound. He wasn't too pleased to learn his son was failing and had been lying to him about his grade. I apologized for ruining his night with the news, but he'd get to ruin my night in just a few minutes, so I guess we're even.

He did an external one first, but because I am fluffy, we had to do an internal one. As he started looking around, he wasn't even looking for a baby or a gestational sac, so I thought there may not even be signs of pregnancy in there. I asked him about it and he said he was saving that for last. He needed certain measurements of my ovaries and uterus, so he would do those first and then look for the baby. Finally, he started looking at the baby in the sac. I knew right away. With Camden, I'd had an internal ultrasound done at 8.5 weeks and we had seen clearly a gummy bear looking baby and a flashing heartbeat. This time, I could see the gummy bear looking baby, but there was no reassuring heartbeat. The room had gone quiet. I told the technician, "I already know there is a problem." He looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry." He pointed out the head, which I already recognized, and then showed us where the heartbeat was supposed to be. He told me the baby measured about 8 weeks along. He then stepped out of the room to give us some time alone.

Although I had been mentally preparing myself all the way down to the ultrasound room, seeing the cold reality on the monitor shattered my control. Mark and I sobbed in each others arms. When we returned to the emergency room, the doctor came immediately in. She discussed our options with us. We could either wait for this to happen naturally or we could have a D&C. Mark and I knew we wanted a D&C. I could not emotionally handle waiting for the miscarriage to start on its own. The emergency room doctor had already been in contact with my doctor's office and he was out of town until Tuesday. The other doctor in his practice would be willing to do a D&C that night or I could go in Sunday or Monday and have it done. (I have to explain quickly that I live in a small town with another small town a half hour away. Each has a hospital. There are about 2 OB's in each town. I choose to go to the OB in the other town because I like him so much, but we went to our local emergency room. We probably should have gone to the other town in hindsight.) I asked about having it done that night in the hospital I was at. She called the OB on call and came back and told us he refused to come in because "it wasn't a true emergency." We decided to wait until Monday to have it done instead of going through another emergency room.

Sunday was a blur of sadness and dealing with the loss. Camden helped so much. When we came home Saturday night, he raced right up to me with a huge smile on his face and just hugged me. That was one of the most healing moments. We received blessings from our home teachers and I made arrangements to take the next three days of school off. It was a weird dichotomy that day. I still felt pregnant and my body still thought I was pregnant. I had very little spotting all day and no cramps whatsoever. If not for that single spot of red on Saturday, there would be no indication of a problem. At times I thought the ultrasound must be wrong, but then the haunting stillness of the image on the ultrasound would come to my mind. I had a very hard time, gagging at dinner and realizing I was not going to get the outcome I desired.

Monday I called the other doctor in my OB's practice. He got right on the phone with me and scheduled me for a D&C that afternoon at 1 pm. The procedure was actually not bad at all. The hardest part was the confirmation ultrasound they did. Part of me hoped that this time there would be a heartbeat, but again, the baby measured at 8 weeks and was still as can be. To add salt to the wound, my ultrasound technician was pregnant. I'm sure it must have been as uncomfortable for her as it was for me having her do that ultrasound. The staff was wonderful. When I came to in the recover room, a few nurses started talking about pregnancy. I don't think they knew what I was recovering from. Another nurse quickly shushed them. The whole thing was over and done quickly. I entered the hospital at 1 pm and was on my way home by 4 pm. I am very grateful for the OB getting me in and done so speedily. When he came to discharge me, Mark and I expressed our gratitude for everything. We told him how the OB in our town had refused to come in and do it on a Saturday night. He looked astonished and said, "That's what an on call doctor does." I was very grateful for that attitude and for not having to wait any longer. As hard as it was to know I was going to lose this baby, it would have been even harder to have to wait for several days to get the D&C or to have it happen on its own.

Physically I have recovered quickly. Emotionally, well, that's another story. I thought I was handling things really well. I had complete peace during the time of finding out, waiting, and then having the D&C. It wasn't until Wednesday that the full weight of the loss finally caught up with me. It's the reality of a lot of things. I'm not having a baby in May after all. Who knows when I will get pregnant again? Will I lose another baby? Is this going to become a pattern? How long will it take to get pregnant next time? It's knowing that to develop as far as it did, my baby had a heartbeat at one point. What caused its heart to stop? Rationally I know there is nothing I did to cause this, nothing I could have done to stop this, nothing that could have saved my baby this early on. But occasionally I find myself analyzing everything I did around 8 weeks along that could have killed my baby. It's the feeling alone. Besides MOF"s and a few family members on Mark's side, nobody has called, or sent a card of sympathy, or told me they are sorry, or anything. I feel forgotten and alone in my grief and pain. It's the wondering if I lost a son or a daughter. What would this child have been? It's the loss of a brother or sister for Camden, a child for Mark and I, a dream we had. It's also the loss of innocence as I will never feel completely safe in a pregnancy again.

Right now I hurt. Right now I am giving myself permission to be sad, to cry, to feel the emotions as they come. And I wonder how exactly to move past this. It's very healing to talk to others, to hear their stories, to see how they healed and moved on.

I've had a lot of MOF's offer to be there for me to talk to, but to tell the truth, I don't know how to reach out right now. So I'll be honest. I want to talk to you, I want to hear your story, I want to know what it was like for you, but I need you to take the first step. Please email me or IM me or post a message to me on one of the MOF boards. I want to have that contact with you, but I don't know where to start.

I'm very grateful for the blessings and peace I have received during this time. I can see the Lord's hand in all of this - in the diagnosis, in the day of waiting for the D&C, in having the D&C taken care of so quickly and so smoothly. It may have not turned out the way I wanted it, but I know there is a reason. This is hard, but in all honesty, it hasn't been as hard for me as the infertility was. Infertility took such a toll on me as a person, my spirit, my testimony. Unlike the infertility, I haven't been angry, resentful, or mad about this miscarriage. I haven't questioned "Why me?" because the answer to that is why not me? Why should I be spared pain and suffering? And so many people have been through so much worse. I haven't questioned what I did to deserve this or what I did so wrong that my baby would be taken away. Those are thoughts I had with infertility, but I haven't had with this. And for that, I am very grateful. I'm grateful it hasn't taken a toll on my testimony or my relationship with God. I'm sad and I grieve. There have been many layers to that grief already and I know there will be layers to come. But I am at peace that it was meant to be this way. I'm scared to try again. I'm scared of what it will take and how long it will take to get pregnant again. I don't get pregnant easily. And I'm scared I will lose another. But I have peace that I can overcome my fears. I know that I am not alone. I know my tears are noticed by my Heavenly Father. I know He knows how much my heart hurts. And I believe that in time I will understand the purpose for this loss. I believe in time my joy will be as great as my pain.

A Dream Deferred

2006-11-04T19:02:00.000-07:00

I'm losing this baby. I started spotting today and so we went to the emergency room. An internal ultrasound showed the baby died at 8 weeks. I'm supposed to be a little over 10 weeks today. Our dream shall be deferred for a little bit.

A legitimate reason for my absence

2006-10-17T18:49:00.000-07:00

I know I keep promising to return. I say I'll be back, I post, and then another few weeks go by before I blog again. I think I have a legitimate excuse this time.

This is wearing me out pretty good right now.

This is all I have wanted to blog about, but haven't wanted to jinx myself. I'm still not out of the danger zone (have an appointment in a few weeks), but I just can't keep it in anymore.

So, here is my legitimate excuse for my absence.

Estimated due date - May 31, 2007. And only 6 months of trying and 3 rounds of fertility drugs this time!

Do I really look that old?

2006-09-27T14:24:00.000-07:00

Apparently I must look really old. As you may remember, I teach junior high. And I just recently turned 31. So today a mother comes it to talk to me about her son's grade. As we're talking, my computer screen saver comes on. Of course my screen saver is pictures of Camden so I can see his cute face all day long. The mother looks at the screen saver and then says to me, "Is that your grandson?"

What the freak? Do I really look that old? I think I need to start saving for some plastic surgery so I don't look so ancient!

Can't. Fight. The. Addiction

2006-09-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

It's one of the most wonderful times of year for me. Nope, not the start of school. Christmas is still pretty far away. So what could it be that has me so excited? It's time to buy Camden his fall and winter clothes!

Never mind I've bought clothes in advance and have a closet full appropriate for all seasons. It doesn't seem like enough. I must still feed my addiction and buy more clothes for Cam on eBay!

I can't help it. I love to dress my child. I love to look for him. And I love eBay. So I shop, and shop, and shop some more. Somebody stop me!

To end with, one cute picture of Camden. This was his first pudding experience. He decided it was so good he had to pick up the bowl and lick it.

A Tribute to Astrid Elizabeth Sohan

2006-09-11T06:47:00.000-07:00

I don't think anybody will forget the emotions they felt on September 11, 2001. With shock and horror, we watched the events unfold. For many of us, we didn't know anybody hurt or killed in the attacks, but we were affected anyway. I cried for the loss of life, the children without parents, the widows and widowers, the loss of a son, a daughter, a spouse, a friend, a sister or brother. Now that five years have passed, many of the emotions and feelings at the time of the attack have subsided, but the memories of the people whose lives were tragically taken live on. I am honored to participate in remembering the 2,996 people killed in these attacks. Today I honor and remember Astrid Elizabeth Sohan.

Astrid Elizabeth Sohan was 32 on September 11, 2001. She would have turned 33 on September 25th. She worked for Marsh & McLennan, World Trade Center #1 on the 95th floor. She began working for them in 1996. Her commitment to excellence and many talents helped her rise quickly through the ranks. She was a vice president and project manager at the time of her death.

Astrid was born in Georgetown, Guyana. She and her family later immigrated to the United States. At the time of her death, she was living in Freehold, New Jersey with her fiance. They had begun to discuss wedding plans in August of 2001.

Astrid was very energetic and could not sit still long. Five times she enrolled in college and five times she dropped out. She would rather learn through doing than through sitting in classes. She went to work learning computer operating which led her to manage the technical support department at Marsh & McLennan.

Astrid loved to shop and her salary from her job allowed her to do that. "Expensive clothes," said Clive Sohan, her father. "Ann Taylor. Talbots. Shoes — she had too many." From her mother, Barbara Sohan, a dressmaker, Astrid learned about tailoring and natural fabrics. She liked simple leather pumps and classic tailored suits. She liked to purchase only quality items.

Astrid loved to help others and solve issues. She was kind and vibrant. She was also very thoughtful. Her pastimes included shopping, traveling, dining, and being with her family and friends. She also loved tennis.

The morning of Sept. 11, she made three phone calls after planes had struck the towers.
The last call was to her parents, to tell them she loved them. "To know her," they said, "was to like her."

Sources:
http://www.legacy.com/Sept11.asp?Page=TributeStory&PersonId=111529
http://www.september11victims.com/september11victims/VictimInfo.asp?ID=2514
http://memorial.mmc.com/pgBio.asp?ID=257

My Life Monday - Week 9 - a little late

2006-09-08T13:15:00.001-07:00

I'm so sorry I am late with this! I really meant to be on time this week. But it was my birthday Monday (31 now!) and my boys kept me spoiled and busy all day long. Tuesday I was out of town for a burial and the rest of the week has been catch up at school. It's been crazy! We switched to a new curriculum this year at school, so I've been reorganizing and reformating everything I do. Plus we switched from a trimester system with only 5 classes a day to a semester system with 7 classes a day. I now have 180 students in a day instead of 120, which means more students and less time to grade in (our prep hour got cut by 25 minutes). I'm finding it's taking me longer than I plan to do anything with the changes. I know it's all excuses, but here I am, just a few days late! Without further ado . . .

I've had many fun jobs over the years. Some I've liked, some I've hated, and some have been the means to an end. So in all its glory, my jobs!

Arctic Circle - I worked here for about a year and even was employee of the month once. I had my picture on the wall for it and everything. I got fired a few months later for calling in sick to be with a friend whose mother had died that day. Nice huh? They were notorious for firing people for no real good reason.

Little Caesars - Yum, I still like their pizza. I worked here for about two years and became a shift manager. I cracked my tail bone working there because I ran out to see something funny (can't remember what now) and I slipped where somebody was mopping. It hurt like a bugger!

Cement Company - I worked as a day laborer for three summers here to earn money for college. You had to be related to somebody who already worked there (my dad as head chemist) and they paid you good money for the time to do crap work. I wore full coveralls, steel toed boots, and a hard hat. I spent my days shoveling, jack hammering, sweeping, painting, and generally dying of the heat and hating the job. I would NEVER, EVER want to do this work again! It sucked, but it paid for college. I wish I had a picture to show you of me in my full gear. I got second degree burns my last summer there. They had me work in an area shoveling cement dust (which is highly acidic) and then moved me to a wet area. The water mixed with the cement dust, rubbed on my ankles all day long, and left me with nifty scars on each ankle. My sister got them worse than me and had to go to daily whirl pool baths for several weeks to treat it. I seriously have never done so much physical labor in my life. I learned to drive big machines like front end loaders, operate a jack hammer, paint under a kiln that radiated 400 degree heat (and I got to do that in August in Idaho - what fun!), scrub tile with hydrochloric acid, and so many other such jobs.

Sales person - I worked at the jewelry Walmart counter for two years, which I loved. I loved the discounts and the people I worked with. I quit because of a psycho stalker who also worked there. I then worked at ZCMI in the juniors section until I graduated college. I did really well with commission sales most of the time there and averaged a decent amount per hour.

Teacher - What I do now! I love it most of the time. This is my ninth year teaching. Every day is a new adventure! I love my students and my subject. I'm so glad I went into teaching. There are challenges and times I want to strangle a student or two, but I enjoy almost every day.

Mom - This is my real full time job and it's the best job in the world. It's the most difficult with the most challenges, but it also brings the most rewards and joy. I'm grateful every day to have this job and be a mom! Camden is a great son and I am thrilled to be his mother. This is by far the job that I love most.

Share with me your jobs! If you did this on time, post your link now! For next week, I'm participating in 2996 in honor of 9/11. Feel free to join us if you so wish. If not, do your own thing and leave a link anyway!

MLM!

2006-08-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

My Life Monday returns 9-4-06!

I WILL be there. Will you?

Since that day is Labor Day, we'll be celebrating the jobs we have "labored" at during our lifetime. So tell us about your jobs, past and present. Don't forget to come back and post your link on that day. I'm so excited to be back up and running with MLM!

. . .

2006-08-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

The triumphant return of . . .

Are you ready?

2006-08-25T14:28:00.000-07:00

Are YOU ready?

It's Coming!

2006-08-25T09:54:00.000-07:00

It's Coming!

Broken Promises

2006-08-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

I keep promising to be blogging again regularly by a certain date, but then that date comes and goes. So I'm not making any more promises, except that I will be back blogging regularly and in the not too distant future. Between deep cleaning my house and readying my classroom for the start of school next week, I have little spare time. And what little spare time I do have, I spend it with the cutest 16 month old I know. He's too much fun and I am soaking in my last few all-Camden, all-day moments I have left. I will be back. Please don't give up on me!

The magical power of my blog

2006-07-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

Hello fellow bloggers! I am back and feeling great! My surgery went well and I have recovered faster than I expected. I'm so glad I had it done. I feel light years better already having that thing out.

It turns out my blog has magical powers. I've long suspected it might, but it has now been proved to me. You see, any time I write a blog about something Camden is not doing, something magical happens and within a few weeks time, he's doing it like an old pro. Around Christmas time, I wrote about Camden not eating solids. A few weeks later, there he was doing it. I've posted about how he's not really crawling or how he doesn't have teeth. And then, a few weeks later, it happens.

Remember my last post? About Camden not walking? Guess what he did today? He walked! This morning we were all lounging in the living room, getting ready for breakfast. Camden decided to take four little steps. Later this afternoon he took about twelve steps in a row before falling down. He's pretty slow walking so far and takes small steps, but he's doing it. He's so proud of himself and loves when we cheer him on. The funniest thing is when he falls down. Then he sits up on his knees and tries to walk across the room on his knees. He looks at us expecting the same reaction walking gets. It's such a funny face he makes! I know he'll just get faster from here. I'm so proud of my little boy today!

I'm wondering if the magical powers will work in other parts of my life. Maybe if I post something here that I really, really want, it will happen in a few weeks. Give me some more time and I may just test this theory out.

Well, this is a quick all about me post. I promise to check in on all you wonderful people sometime this week. And I will be back up and running with My Life Monday this coming Monday. I'll even give you a date to watch for - July 31, 2006. I'll see you all then!

A conspicuous absence

2006-07-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

Hello blogger world! Remember me? I'm sorry I've been gone so long. The summer is just slipping away. This is just a quick update.

I really mean to blog, I do. Don't we all? I sincerely apologize for not keeping up on "My Life Monday." I thought I would have more time with not working, but instead I have less. Part of not blogging is the computer is in the room where my stepson stays when he visits. Since he spends a lot of time playing computer games and video games on the TV in his room, I get little computer time and rush when I am on the computer so I don't invade his space. But he leaves tomorrow for his home in PA (has it been six weeks already?!?!) so I will get more computer time again. Part of it is that when Camden is awake and I am on the computer, he LOVES to help type. And you can imagine how helpful an almost 15 month old when typing. Part of it is sheer laziness and business. And part of it is not feeling good. I found out a few weeks ago that my gall bladder is really bad. I've been nauseated off and on for weeks now (no, not pregnant) and the doctors finally checked that. It's being removed on Monday, July 17th. I hope to be back up and running by the following Monday with "My Life Monday." Please don't abandon me completely! I do read your blogs, but don't comment often because of lack of time. I promise to get back on track by the end of July with everything. I miss you and all your stories!

So I end today with a questions on almost 15 month old toddlers. Camden is not walking yet. Should I be concerned? Mark tells me I am crazy to worry. Cam will stand on his own and cruise around everything, but just won't take those steps yet. Did any of you have late walkers? Tell me Camden is normal. :) Also, give me your best toddler lunch ideas. Camden loves grilled cheese, mac and cheese, and quesidilla's, but we need variety. He won't eat much meat, hates potatoes, and I haven't introduced peanut butter yet. Hit me with your best toddler lunch ideas!

Thanks for checking in on me!

Quick My Life Monday

2006-06-23T06:28:00.000-07:00

Remember this week is choose your own topic. Post below if you participate and I will check it out when I get back. Next week's topic - Tell us about your family - the one you grew up in.

For my topic, I just want to show off Camden's 1 year pics (taken when he was 13 months old, but that's ok!)

My Life Monday - Week 7

2006-06-19T19:37:00.000-07:00

I am a bad, bad blogger. I don't know what my problem is. I just can't seem to blog (or check out your blogs like I want to so badly). I apologize and hope to get back into true blogging form soon. But I won't make any promises just yet! FYI, I will be leaving town this Friday for a week and will be sporadic between now and my return. Please don't abandon me completely!

Week 7 - Spouse Spotlight

Mark is such a wonderful husband and father. I am grateful everyday for his presence in my life. I knew Mark would be a great dad because I got to see him in action before we got married. I watched him with his two boys from his previous marriage and he was an excellent dad!

I'll never forget how Mark rejoiced when he found out we were finally expecting. He was so beyond thrilled and went to every prenatal appointment (except one) with me. And he was a champ during labor. My mom told me there is a point in every labor where you want to kill the man who got you pregnant. I never had that moment. Mark read my mind during labor. He anticipated and met all my needs and wants during labor.

When we brought Camden home, he was a smitten man. He fell head over heels for Camden and would stand by his crib watching him sleep on a regular basis. Mark was a rock during the first few months of Cam's life. Although Cam was much wanted and anticipated, motherhood hit me harder than I ever expected. I suffered from postpartum depression. Combine that with my perfectionist attitude (I must be the perfect mom) as well as a constant worrier and I was a mess for the first few months of Camden's life. The first two weeks of Camden's life, I never slept more than four hours in a 24 hour period - and not consecutively either. I was very paranoid about losing Cam and would jump up constantly all night long. And then Cam got colic and would cry for hours on end. Mark was working 50 plus hours a week during this time. He'd come home from a 10 hour day, walk in the door, take Cam from me, and send me off to sleep or rest. He never complained about the added stress on him from worrying about my mental state. He was so good to me and so patient with Camden.

When I went back to work, Mark became the stay at home Dad so he could go to school and finish his degree. I could never ask for better care for Camden. Cam transitions seamlessly from his Dad's care to my care because we have the same ideas for raising children and discuss Cam's routine on a regular basis. Mark loves and adores Cam. I love to watch the two of them interact. I fall in love with Mark all over again when I watch him with Camden.

Yesterday was one such moment. We were nearing the end of our three hour church and Camden was getting restless. Mark took Camden onto his lap and was reading to Cam. I watched him point out animals to Camden and then do the sign that goes with that animal. I watched him snuggle Camden close and kiss his little head and my heart melted once again. Mark is such a good dad!

I really am truly blessed to have Mark in my life. In addition to being a great father, he is a great spouse. I thank the Lord each day of my life for the privilege of being his wife and having his children.

Topic for next week: Choose your own! With me being on vacation and such, I probably won't get much chance to blog. I'll still put up the linky thing so leave me a link and I'll check our your creativity when I get back!

Don't forget to leave your link for this weeks topic as well as a comment! It makes me feel special. :)

My Life Monday - Week 6

2006-06-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody! Again I am sorry I haven't blogged for awhile. I have good intentions. It just seems like I have less time now that I am off school. I really will try to do better this week.

Week 6 - A favorite childhood toy

I have two favorites when I think back on my childhood. The first was this giant Raggedy Ann doll my mom made for me. She made one for both me and my sister. They were huge! Or at least they seemed huge to a child. They were about three feet tall with great red yarn hair. My mom even made dresses for them. The only differences between our dolls is one had a red dress and the other had a blue dress. We played with these for days on end. They were stitched with love and it showed. My mom still has at least one of the dolls at her house. I love watching the grandchildren play with our giant Raggedy Ann.

The second toy I think of is my Cabbage Patch doll. Remember when those first came out and were the rage? They flew off the store shelves! I remember my mom finding out a store was getting a new shipment in. She planned to be there when they were put out so she could get one because they sold so fast. I remember her calling and telling me about two dolls she had in her cart. One was blonde haired, blue eyed and the other was red head if I remember right. She told me to choose over the phone which one I wanted. Being a blonde myself, I only wanted the blonde one. And so she bought it and brought it home to me. And I remember being so disappointed because my doll was ugly! It had blue eyes and blonde hair all right, but she wasn't cute at all! Plus she had an ugly name!

After awhile, she grew on me, ugly name and all. And again, my mom whipped out her sewing skills. She made me, my doll, my sister, and my sister's doll matching outfits. Yes, I matched my doll (I'll have to dig up a picture of me in my 4H sewing outfit modeling with my matching doll). She made our dolls Halloween clown costumes. My mom made cheerleading outfits, pajama's, dresses, and so many other cute little outfits. We had the best dressed dolls on the block. Again, my mom kept these dolls and their little outfits and it gives me great pleasure to watch the grandchildren play with these as well.

I realize that what makes these two toys special is the love my mom poured into making an ordinary toy a little special. The effort that went into creating first a Raggedy Ann doll and then little outfits for our Cabbage Patch dolls brings tears to my eyes today. My mom must have spent hours sewing. And she did it because she loved us. I hope I can be half the mother she was and give my children similar memories.

Share with me your favorite toys growing up! Leave your link and a comment below.

For next week, since it is Father's Day on Sunday, we'll do a Spouse Spotlight next week. Tell us what makes your spouse great!

My Licve Monday - Week 5

2006-06-05T19:14:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my long absence! Life has been crazy! Between travel, illness, and a few other issues (anybody out there with an ex spouse in their life? It's making our life fun - not mine, because I don't have one, but dh's), this is my first opportunity to blog. Thank you to those who were concerned. I have returned - no thanks to Blogger. I've been trying to get on to Blogger forever now and finally the heavens blessed me with a log in. Woohoo! I swear on all I hold holy, if Blogger freaks out on me during the process of blogging tonight, I will jump through my computer screen and strangle some innocent Blogger worker.

Ok, now for the real stuff.

Week 5 - Pictures of something significant to me.

My pictures are actually rather dumb. But I took these pictures before the school year ended and they do mean something to me. It's the bulletin board behind my desk in my room at school.

Why is it significant to me? All the other bulletin boards in my room are educational in some way. But the one behind my desk is for me and for fun. As I tell Mark and students, I spend 8 hours of my day in this room. I want one area that feels homey. And so I fill the bulletin board behind my desk with fun little things. Each year it changes because I let the students contribute to it too. I hang up pictures they draw me (which you see a lot of), stories and poems they write, their school pictures, or whatever else they give me.

I also hang special things. This year I had about a million pictures of Camden hanging up, showing his age progression. It helped me not miss him as much. You see the little red school house and the little chalkboard looking things below it? That was made for me six years ago by a student. She made it as a wedding present to me. I treasure that handmade gift like no other.

The yellow and blue bags were bought for me by my mother, also a school teacher. They have funny little pictures, like a kid with a pencil through his head that says "Education Victim." The Christmas looking balls were a Christmas present from one of my best teacher friends this year. A framed poem was a college graduation gift (it's about teaching).

It's very special to me. When a day is stressful or overwhelming, looking at my special bulletin board restores peace. It represents a big part of who I am - a teacher.

I can't wait to read yours! Please don't forget to post your link if you participate. Leave a comment too!

Next week's topic - A favorite childhood toy. Share one (or more) of yours with us.

My Life Monday - Week 4

2006-05-25T13:07:00.000-07:00

I'm doing this early because I am leaving town tomorrow and will be gone on Memorial Day. Please don't forget to add your link and add a comment if you complete today's MLM.

Week 4 - In Memory Of . . .

On this Memorial Day, there are three people I will be thinking of. The first two are my grandparents on my mom's side (my grandparents on my dad's side are still living). My grandpa passed away in 1986 when I was only 11. I don't remember tons about him, but he was a hard working, honest man. He was gentle and soft spoken. When my mom was a child, one of seven children, my grandpa was a dairy farmer. He owned acres of land in the Woods Cross, UT area. The government decided they wanted to put a freeway through his land and offered to buy his land. He didn't think the price was fair and he liked farming, so he turned down the offer. Well, the government condemned his farm so he would be forced to sell (apparently they can do that). He could no longer sell his milk, so he lost his source of income and had to sell the land for a pittance. My mom tells stories of being very poor. In spite of that, my grandpa rebuilt their lives. He built a spacious house (for the time) with 5 bedrooms, two baths, and two kitchens. He built it himself. He saved enough money to leave my grandma well taken care of until her death. He also left a mission fund that paid for one-third of each grandchild's mission. And there are 33 grandchildren in all! Because not all of us served missions, there is money left over in the fund. The remainder will be used to pay the first and last month of the missions ALL the great grandchildren may serve. That is a great legacy to leave behind. I hope I can be half the person he was.

My grandma died last year shortly before Mother's Day. She had spent the last few years of her life in a nursing home because of severe memory loss. I always remember how welcoming she was. She opened her house to everybody. When we were younger, she held huge Thanksgiving dinners at her house. All of her seven children, and their spouses, and all 33 grandchildren would gather in the huge family room downstairs for Thanksgiving dinner. It was a blast. The adults sat at one table and the kids sat at other small ones. I loved those times at her house. My grandma was a former school teacher and had old ditto's stored in her house. We would use those and play school on a regular basis. As a teenager, whenever I traveled from my hometown in Idaho to Salt Lake City for various things, she opened her house to me and my friends, letting us come as we pleased. I rarely remember her door being locked. She welcomed everybody with open arms. She had a strong testimony that never wavered.

The last person I will be thinking of today is my stepson Tyler. He was a beautiful, pure, ACTIVE boy who died too young. I didn't get the chance to know Tyler well. He died before my husband and I got engaged. But I love him and miss him as if I had known him well. He holds a very special place in my heart. Camden has Tyler's name as his middle name in honor of him. Tyler died in August of 1999, just 10 days after his 4th birthday. He drowned in a reservoir near here. Mark and I were in the temple when it happened. When we came out of the temple, Mark's ex brother in law was waiting to tell him what happened. Mark and I both have peace that it was Tyler's time to go. We (and Mark's ex wife) firmly believe if it hadn't happened that way, it would have happened another. We still miss him daily and especially on special days. We know he watches over us and our family. I have no doubt that he has met Camden, that he and Camden were friends before Cam came to earth. I know Tyler is Camden's guardian angel. Camden already has a laugh that was Tyler's laugh. We're sure Tyler taught it to Cam before Cam was born.

To my grandparents, O and J, and to Tyler - We love and miss you. And today, we remember you and honor you.

Please share with me your memories of loved ones you may be remembering and honoring today. Leave a link below when you have done this week's MLM. Whether early or late because of the holiday, share with us.

Next week's topic - Take a picture of something (not somebody) that represents part of who you are. Share that object and tell why it is significant to you.

It may take me some time to get back and check out your blogs, but I will be back! I'll will try to check in Tuesday!

It's the Final Countdown

2006-05-25T07:39:00.000-07:00

Woohoo! It's the last day of school for me! Grades are done and on the computer. My room is mostly ready to go. Classes are enjoying their reading marathon (with more talking than reading right now, but that's ok). And me? I am ready! Seven hours left in the day and then I am free for the summer.

But you know what? The last day always makes me a little sad. I'm going to miss this group of kids. Sure, they've been annoying at times. And sure, their work ethic sometimes leaves a little to be desired. But when it is all said and done, most of them are good kids and I am going to miss them.

A college professor once said that she always cried on the last day of school when the students left. She said she knew it would be time for her to get out of teaching when she no longer cried. I took that to heart and use it as my measuring stick each year. And you know what, every year I shed a few tears when the students say goodbye. Even thinking about it today, I'm a little teary eyed. The year I no longer cry is the year I know I need to say goodbye to teaching.

I really love what I do. I enjoy the youth of today. There are many, many problems among our youth today. This world gets more and more wicked each day. But really? Deep down most of these kids are good at heart. There are many shining examples. And once the hormones wear off, they will really be awesome.

Oh, and on a special note, this is post 100 for my blog. Woot!

A few pictures that make me happy

2006-05-23T13:56:00.000-07:00

This is what I have been working on for the past week. These are my students autobiographical writing portfolio's. Also the inspiration for MLM (they have to write about some of the same topics I have already given you or will be giving you). The best part about those? They are all graded! Students turned them in a week ago today and now I have them all done and entered in the computer. Yay for big project being done!

These are Camden's new books. I just got them this last week. There are 24 in all. The best part? They cost me nothing! My students place book orders, I get bonus points, and I used some of those points to get these books. I LOVE getting books for Cam. You can count on a new children's book thread here in a few weeks.

And so you know, my students didn't get cheated by me using some bonus points to get books for Cam. These are new books I got for my classroom library. I love books!

And one last not so happy picture . . .
These are the papers I have left to grade for the year - the every day assignments we do. I haven't been keeping up on these because I was working on their big projects (and blogging of course - a girl has priorities!). I hope to have these done and in the computer by this time tomorrow. And then I will be done with grading for the 2005-2006 school year!

My Life Monday - Week 3

2006-05-22T07:12:00.000-07:00

Welcome to week three of "My Life Monday"! I can't wait to read about your name. Please don't forget to add your link and add a comment if you complete today's MLM.

Week 3 - My parents named me __________ because . . .

My name really is Rachelle. No alias for me on the net. I figure, if you really want to stalk me, go ahead. It will add some spice to my life. Just stay away from my son or I will go postal on your hiney. ;)

My parents originally wanted to name me Michelle. But I had a girl cousin born a few months before me and her parents named her that. My mom thought and thought of a new name for me. After awhile, she came up with Rachelle. She thought she was being creative and making up the name Rachelle. Not so. She found out at a doctor's office a few years after I was born that Rachelle is a real name because there was another girl with that name in the office. My mom got to talking to her mom and found out, Rachelle is a real name.

I like my name. It's not a name that very many people have. I'm not one of the millions of Jennifers from the 70's (do not take offense if your name is Jennifer). I think my name fits me for the most part (unless you are one of those people who thinks of Rachelle in the trailer trash way).

One of my biggest pet peeves, however, relates to my name. Specifically the pronunciation of my name. It's just like Michelle, but with an Ra at the beginning. Say it with me - Rah-shell. It's not Rachel, Rachael, or Raquel. And I have been called all those at one time or another. I hate when people say my name wrong. To me, it's not that much of a difference from Michelle, so why is it so hard to pronounce?

So do you want to hear the mean thing I do to people with my name? It's really mean. You want to hear it anyway? Ok, here goes . . . I judge a person's intelligence on whether they say my name right the first time they see it. If they call me Rachel, they are dumb. If they call me Rachelle, they are smart. I know you are all checking to see if you said it right in your head the first time you saw it. If you said it wrong in your head, I forgive you. ;)

It is great for telemarketers. If somebody calls my house asking for Rachel, I hang up on them. Because if you can't say my name when calling my house, you probably don't really know me. And usually that means a telemarketer.

So there you have my name. Not too exciting, but I do like it. I wouldn't change it, except maybe spell it the way it sounds to stop the stupid people from calling me the wrong thing.

And for next week's topic: Since it is Memorial Day, the topic is "In memory of . . . ". I know Memorial Day is supposed to be for those who died in war and to honor Veterans, but maybe there is somebody else whose memory you want to honor on that day. Many people use Memorial Day to honor any special person in their lives who has passed on. We'll do kind of a loose interpretation of it. With it being a holiday weekend, you may not be around on Monday itself. Feel free to post early or late. I myself will be traveling to my Idaho hometown for my brother's wedding, so I will post either late Thursday or early Friday before I am cut off from internet access for four days (how shall I ever live?!?!).

Don't forget to leave your link below if you participate in today's MLM. And leave a comment too. It makes me feel special. :)

The Letter Game

2006-05-19T07:53:00.000-07:00

There is a fun game going around out there. Somebody gives you a letter of the alphabet. Then you have to choose ten words that start with that letter and explain why you chose them. You can play along too if you want. Leave a comment asking for a letter and then I'll give you one.

I asked Mama D for a letter and she gave me "Y". She said she wanted to challenge me because I am a teacher. Well, I took that challenge and decided to challenge myself a little more - being an English teacher and all. So I give you my "Y" list - all verbs AND in alphabetical order AND I will try to relate them to my life in some way. Yeah, I'm a little obsessive. ;)

1. Yak - Something I am really good at. I can yak for hours with Mark, a good friend, my family. I can yak about almost anything.

2. Yammer - Similar to yak, but with more complaining. This is what some of my students are doing right now. They are yammering on and on about the new cell phone policy in our district which says they cannot have cell phone during school hours next year and how "It's not fair" or "I'll bring mine anyway." Gotta love teenagers.

3. Yank - Maybe I'll yank their chain and tell them ipods are banned too. That will get them really yammering.

4. Yawn - Did you just yawn reading that word? I did. Think about a nice slow yawn. Are you doing it now?

5. Yearn - I yearn for another baby. A little tiny one to cuddle and hold. I yearn for new baby smell and new baby yawns.

6. Yell - Ok, who hasn't yelled in their life? I will sometimes raise my voice, but I try not to really yell. But you know what? Sometimes it just makes things better when you do.

7. Yelp - What my dog does when I accidentally step on him. I don't do it very often, but sometimes he gets under foot. And then he yelps to let us know we got him. Poor little thing.

8. Yield - I hope my beautiful grape tomato plant yields some yummy tomatoes this summer. I just started growing it from seed a few weeks ago. It has glorious little sprouts coming up now. I can't wait till it yields its crop.

9. Yodel - Can you yodel? I can't. Ok, I probably really can, but why? It's really not that pretty of a sound. Maybe it's one of those art forms I just can't appreciate yet.

10. Yoke - Are you evenly yoked with your spouse? I think Mark and I are evenly yoked. We carry that cart pretty well, being yoked together.

So there you go! Do you want to participate? Leave me a comment asking for a letter and I will give you one. And if you want a bit of a challenge, like all one part of speech or something, request and your wish shall be granted.

Don't forget "My Life Monday" for next week!

Mr. Sun - We need to talk

2006-05-18T07:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Sun,

Is it all right if I call you that - Mr. Sun? I'm not sure if you are male or female, so I took a guess. Maybe I should be politically correct and say "To whom it may concern in the sun-o-sphere". We'll just run with Mr. unless you tell me otherwise.

Now that we got that all sorted out, can we talk about the heat? I realize your job is to heat the world and I appreciate it. You do wonderful things with those rays. But don't you think you are laying it on a bit thick right now? My poor little home is reaching temperatures of 80 degrees inside. And that's just the main level. Upstairs, where we sleep, it's much hotter. And I haven't even cooked indoors the past few nights. Can you imagine how hot it would get if I did?

Remember Mark - the big tall guy? He thinks he is melting if it gets over 72 inside. Once it hits 75, it's all over for him. He's not doing so well at night right now. And Camden? The poor kid is having the hardest time sleeping. He's just too hot. I'm kind of not sleeping so well myself with the heat and the two of them.

I realize we haven't put up our air conditioning units yet so it's partly our fault. We plan to rectify that situation tonight. But even the weather man says you are a little extreme right now. He says you're not usually this warm this early in the season.

I really like how you provide warmth and all that. And your lovely rays help my flowers grow. So I'm not asking you to disappear or go away or anything like that. But if you could kick it down a notch, I would be most appreciative.

Your ever loving friend,

Rachelle

Summer Plans

2006-05-16T12:41:00.000-07:00

Summer is quickly approaching. Yay! *imagine a fat woman now doing cartwheels. Wait! Banish that image from your head - don't want to give anybody nightmares.* I only have 7.5 school days left after today; then my summer fun quickly begins. I am looking forward to unlimited Camden time, plus extra time with Mark. I'm looking forward to summer projects and vacations. I'm looking forward to long hours spent reading, staying up late, and pursuing new interests. As I think about my summer and all I want (and have) to do, I realize it's going to fly by!

We jump start the summer with my youngest brother's wedding next weekend. We'll be traveling to my hometown in Idaho for a few days of wedded bliss and festivities. I get to miss the last day of school and travel several hours with a 1 year old. Now that should be fun. Anybody have good toddler travel tips for me? We haven't taken a trip of this magnitude since Thanksgiving time.

The following weekend, we pick my stepson Kolby up at the airport for his summer visit. He'll be with us for 6 weeks. I'm looking forward to having him and Camden bond some more. There is a 13 year age difference between the two, but Kolby is a GREAT older brother and I can pretty much bet Camden will worship him by the time he leaves. Kolby doesn't know it yet, but he's going to have a small shadow following him around most of the summer.

Kolby's first week here I ~~have~~ get to attend a three day conference. According to No Child Left Behind, I am not highly qualified to teach English since I only minored in it. So I get to take classes to become qualified enough to teach what I have been teaching for the past eight years.

At the end of June we'll travel back to my Idaho hometown for a weeks vacation. We're also going to celebrate our anniversary early. We'll be leaving Camden with my parents for a few nights while we have some fun. *GULP* I've never left Camden overnight before and I'm not sure how I'll handle being away. My mom will do an AWESOME job with him, but still, he's my baby!

In the middle of July Kolby will fly back home. And then I will attend another week long class in my quest to be qualified to teach what I have been teaching the last eight years. Mark will also start a summer class in July.

In addition to classes and travel, I want to repaint my upstairs bathroom and cabinets, as well as paint all the doors in our house. I also want to learn digital scrapbooking. If you're into digiscrap, give me your best programs, websites, hints, tips, etc to get a beginner started.

Writing that all down, my summer doesn't sound so relaxing after all. But I'll be busy mostly because I want to be busy. I get to do what I want to (except for the few classes). Summer break - one of the big perks to being a teacher. Something has to got to make up for the pay. ;)

What are your summer plans? What do you want to do and accomplish over your summer? Share with me!

My Life Monday - Week 2

2006-05-15T07:28:00.000-07:00

Welcome to week two of "My Life Monday"! I can't wait to read how you met your spouse and got together. Please don't forget to add your link and add a comment if you complete today's MLM.

Week 2 - The Story of My Spouse

I moved to my current town in 1998 after graduating college. I got my first teaching job in redneck ville and that facilitated a move. My job out here came to pass in an unusual way (I'll have to tell that story sometime). This was not where I was planning on living and I was very nervous about the move. One day while driving in my car, I asked the Lord why I was moving to redneck town. I felt strongly that I would meet my husband in this town and that made the move easier.

After living here about six months, I had made a few friends, but wasn't dating. Most of the guys were younger than me and very much rednecks and cowboys. There is nothing wrong with men like that, but they are totally not for me. I was beginning to think I was wrong about my earlier impression about why I moved to this town. But then I met Mark.

We met in a totally cliche way. He was the friend of a friend. We were at an LDS Institute activity one night in March of 1999 when my friend J introduced me to Mark. Right away I was taken by his gigantic-ness - his height of 6'8" tall and his Goliath spirit. We started talking that night and I found out he was divorced with two children. He was older than me and actually cultured - not into redneck stuff in any way! I was gun shy because of some previous dating experiences, so all I really wanted was a friend. I figured I would take the time to get to know him better and see what, if anything, happened.

We formed a Family Home Evening group with a bunch of other singles and started hanging out on a regular basis. Within a week I was totally hooked on Mark. We had so much in common. We could almost complete each other's sentences right away. We became instant best friends. In meeting Mark, my spirit recognized him. I knew that somehow I had known him before. And meeting again was like we had never been apart. I remember the first time I hugged him. In all the guys I had dated before, I always felt something was missing in the hug. It was like I needed something bigger to hug. And when I hugged Mark for that first time, my spirit sighed and said, "This is the size you've been looking for."

We talked and hung out together almost every night. Within a month, we started a relationship. Mark actually kissed me before he ever asked me out (I tease him about that all the time). We started dating, but Mark was very gun shy. He had been through an awful divorce and was afraid of being hurt again. Because of that, he broke it off with me several times, only to start our relationship again. I knew he loved me and I loved him, but he had too many demons to pursue a relationship with his full being. Finally, in June of 1999, Mark came to me and broke my heart for what we both thought would be the final time. He told me he had prayed about it and felt that we were not supposed to be together. I knew that I could not change his mind and that if we were meant to be together, the Lord would have to change his mind.

We remained best friends. We still hung out on a regular basis. I kept falling more and more in love. We both dated other people a bit, but nothing could replace Mark in my heart. I knew that somehow I needed to let him go and move on, especially if he felt it wasn't right. I took all of my feelings and put them in what I called my Mark box. I put all my feelings, hopes, and dreams and locked them in that mental box. There they would stay. I would continue to be his friend, be happy for him if he found somebody else, and move on with my own life.

But life or fate or heavenly powers had a way of bringing us together again and again. One beautiful day in early August, Mark and I went hiking with other friends. It was a wonderful, fun filled day. We went to the temple as a group that evening to top off our perfect day. When we came out of the temple that night, a man was waiting in a car for Mark. I found out later it was his ex brother-in-law. He told Mark that his youngest son, Tyler, had drowned earlier that evening. I will never forget watching that giant man collapse into a puddle of tears in that dark parking lot. (Tyler's death is another blog all together, so I will save the full story for a later date.) I knew I would do anything to help Mark through this difficult time. I made sure he ate, and got to work, and did anything else I could to help him through this tragedy. This was just one experience that brought us closer. A few months after Tyler's death, I went through a difficult time and Mark was there for me.

Even with all that, Mark still felt we weren't meant to be together. In spite of his feelings we weren't meant to get married, we continued to grow closer and become even better friends. I still felt like we were supposed to be together, but never mentioned it to Mark. I knew the Lord would have to smack him over the head to get Mark to change his mind. And you know what? That's exactly what the Lord did. He gave Mark a grand-mal seizure in November of 1999. The doctors could never find a reason for his seizure and he has never had one since. I feel the Lord was sending a clear message to Mark. As a result of his seizure, Mark couldn't drive for 6 months. He had to go to doctor appointments out in Salt Lake, so I volunteered to take him.

On our way out to his appointments, we engineered a way for me to get into his appointments with him. We figured they wouldn't let us in if I was just a friend, so we decided to pretend we were engaged. We even made up a wedding date - July 4th. So all day long as we went from doctor to doctor, we told them we were engaged and I was able to go to all his appointments with him. After all the appointments, we decided to take our joke a little bit further. We went to Anniversary Inn and looked at rooms for our supposed upcoming honeymoon. We found a room we loved and looked into its availability for July 4th of the coming summer.

Driving home that night, my heart was hurting again. We had spent the whole day pretending to be engaged and I loved every second of it. I only wished it was real! I had opened my Mark box and let all those bottled up feelings have free reign for that one day. But I knew that I would have to put them away for good this time and wondered how I could possibly do it. I told Mark that we needed to let each other go for good. We could remain friends, but had to let go of the love. I told him I had been praying for months now to be able to let him go, that if it wasn't meant to be, the feelings would be taken away. He agreed with me that we needed to let this go once and for all.

When we got back to his place that night, we knelt to say a prayer together. Mark prayed that we could let our feelings for each other go and let each other go. Much of what occurred that night is too sacred to share, but after the prayer, Mark told me he knew we were meant to be together. He had a strong impression during the prayer telling him I was "the one." I was kind of in shock and disbelief and afraid to open my heart. I was afraid he would tell me this just to break it off again later, so I wanted us both to be sure. Mark told me that night that he was sure, but it took me a little longer. After a few days of pondering and praying, I knew again he was the one. When I told him that, he dropped to the floor in my kitchen and proposed. We literally went from best friends to engaged overnight without ever dating again. We were married 8 months later on July 7th, 2000 (we got married as close to July 4th as we could).

If you want to read Mark's version, check out this post.

So that's the story of us - how we met and got together. I love Mark more than ever. He is the best father and the best husband. I'm grateful he is in my life. He and Cam are truly my greatest blessings.

I can't wait to read your stories! Post when you have yours done and I will check it out. And for week 3, your topic is: My parents named me __________ because . . . Tell us about your name. Do you like it or dislike it? Would you name yourself something else? Does your name fit you? Share all your thoughts and feelings on your name. If you prefer to keep your name anonymous, be creative. I think names are fascinating to learn about!

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Meme's Galore

2006-05-12T12:37:00.000-07:00

Another school week is over which means I only have 9.5 days of school left. Yay! And I feel the love, peeps, I feel it! My stat counter went over 5,000 hits this week. Of course, 4,892 of those were me checking my blog to see if anybody had commented yet (anybody else check their blog obsessively for comments?), but thank you for checking out this humble work of mine. I love having readers and commenters and YOU! Yes you - the one reading right now - thanks for stopping by. It means much to me (mainly because I am an attention hog seeking validation).

I tweaked my blog name a bit this week because I noticed A LOT of blogs have the word "ramblings" in the title. And it doesn't seem to fit so much anymore. So now I am just Teacher-Mom going mad. Like? Dislike? Give me your feedback - comments, suggestions, or offers of free money and gifts.

Ok, now on to the real post of the day! I've been tagged. First by Stephanie and then by Maine Mom. *use your best announcer voice* And now, for your reading pleasure, I bring you - Rachelle a la meme!

The 4 Tag

Four jobs I've had:
1. Little Caesars crew leader
2. Day laborer for a cement company - I'll have to blog about that sometime
3. Jewelry Sales Associate at Walmart
4. Teacher!

Four movies I watch over and over:
Not big on watching movies over and over, so this doesn't really apply.

Four places I have lived: I've only lived in three places in my 30 years of life
1. Birth place
2. Hometown
3. Current ~~city~~ ~~village~~ redneck town

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. American Idol
2. Almost anything Discovery Health Channel
3. CSI
4. E.R.

Four places I have been on vacation: I've led a very boring life
1. Disneyland
2. Portland
3. Seattle
4. Yellowstone

Four Places I'd Love to Go to On Vacation:
1. Italy
2. Brazil
3. Hawaii
4. Spain

Four websites I visit often:
1. Many, many blogs
2. Babycenter
3. FunTrivia
4. Ebay!!!!!

Four favorite foods:
1. Raspberries
2. Chicken Cordon bleu (made from scratch by dh - baked, not fried)
3. Raspberry swirl cheesecake
4. Garlic bread

Four Places I would like to be right now:
1. Home with my boys
2. Hawaii
3. My hometown
4. Italy

Two for Togetherness Tag

2 things you compliment your husband on while in his presence:
1. What a good dad he is to Cam and how much I love watching him be a dad.
2. How hot he is!

2 compliments you make about your spouse to your friends about your spouse:
1. How well he is doing in college
2. What an awesome man he is in every respect.

2 traits you married him/her for:
1. His strong spirit
2. His commitment to me, family, and the gospel

2 Days you cherished the most with your husband being together:
1. Our wedding day
2. Cam's birth

2 Material things you could give your husband if you just inherited a fortune:
1. His dream home complete with a library stuffed with books and squashy chairs, a gourmet kitchen, and a home theater (and yes, he would want a gourmet kitchen).
2. More children

2 things you would miss the most if she/he left for two weeks:
1. Laying next to him in bed
2. All the help he offers me with the house and Camden

2 thoughts that crossed your mind when you first met/saw your spouse:
1. Wow, he is really big! (he's 6'8" tall!)
2. What a strong spirit he emanates.

2 favorite dates:
1. Homemade dinners at his house - cooked by him
2. Hiking in the mountains

2 funny odd things you love:
1. His embarrassment over anything potty or sex related said in public by me, his ever embarrassing wife.
2. How we say the same thing at the same time.

2 two places you have lived with your spouse:
1. 1st apartment in redneck land
2. Our condo in redneck land

2 favorite Vacations: We haven't vacationed much
1. Our honeymoon
2. Visits to anyplace that is not here

Those were fun to complete! I now tag:
1. Lynanne
2. Snickers
3. Beth
4. Sunny

My favorite Young Adult books

2006-05-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

Teaching junior high students, I am always looking for good books to recommend to readers their age. As I tell my students, you can never have too many books. I've been reading a lot of adolescent books lately, as well as many book reports, and have had time to reflect on my favorite books for young adults. I previously shared my favorite children's books with you, so today I bring you (drum roll) Mrs. D's freaking awesome book list for ~~punk kids~~ teenagers.

Disclaimer: Some of the books contain swear words or other material that may be questionable to some readers. I encourage parents to preview books before sharing them with their young adults.

Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card.

I dislike science fiction or fantasy in any way, shape, or form. This book is one of the few exceptions. Ender is a young boy, specifically created for a genius mind. Aliens have attacked the Earth and Ender is the boy chosen to save the earth. He thinks he is just playing video games, but instead he is saving the planet. The characters are believable, the plot is captivating, and it's an all around good read. There are several more books in the Ender's series. For a good study in point of view, Ender's Shadow tells the same story from another boy's point of view. There are some swear words and adult references in this book.

Holes by Louis Sachar

If you've seen the movie, the book is so much better (as books usually are). Stanley Yelnats ends up at Camp Green Luck because of a misunderstanding and family bad luck. Through his experience at camp, he manages to change his life and the bad luck that plagues his family. This is a fun, easy read. Many of my students who don't like to read like this story. There is very little questionable material (if any) in this book.

Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling

Just like Ender's Game is the exception to my science fiction dislike, the Harry Potter books are one of my only exceptions to my fantasy dislike. When I picked up the first Harry Potter book, I expected to hate it, just like I do most fantasy. I only read it because another teacher told me I should. This one captivated me from the start. I have eagerly anticipated each book and have even stood in line at midnight to receive the newest edition. If you have seen the movies, but never read the books, you are missing out. The books are light years better.

Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech.

I. Love. This. Book. It is one of my favorites of all time. Sal's mother has disappeared and she is on a journey to find her. There are several stories layered into one. We have Sal's journey to find her mother, stories of her life, and stories of her friend Phoebe. The reader is left guessing at what has happened until the end, when all the stories interweave and make complete sense. This book has little, if any, questionable material in it. I highly recommend it for teenage girls.

The Giver by Lois Lowry.

This is another book I just adore. I recommend it to all genders and all ages. Jonah lives in a utopian society. He becomes the Receiver of Memories in this society. Jonah bears the responsibility of remembering all the ills of society so he can prevent them from occurring again. Jonah questions his life and society, and ultimately whether a utopia is a good thing. The ending leaves you thinking. The whole book is thought provoking and well written. There are some disturbing deaths in this book (euthanasia of infants).

Gathering Blue by Lois Lowry

By the same author as The Giver, this books is just as well written and thought provoking. Unlike the utopian society in the previous book, this society is very rudimentary. In her society, the weak are cast aside. Kira is a cripple and when her mother dies, she fears for her future. But she is taken to the Council of Guardians because of her extraordinary weaving skills. There she is surrounded by many mysteries and secrets, which she seeks to discover. I recommend reading both this and The Giver together. It makes a great compare and contrast. This book has very little, if any, questionable material.

I am the Cheese by Robert Cormier

I read this book because it was recommended as a good book for young adults. I was immediately captivated by the story and could not put the book down. The plot can be complex and confusing, so the reader needs to pay careful attention. Adam is a boy who is in some sort of institution. Something has happened in his past that he can't quite remember. He is interviewed and helped to remember while in this institution. He also takes a bike ride which helps him remember and discover his past. This book keeps you thinking and guessing until the end. It has some references to violence, but nothing graphic.

I had planned on including more books, but am running out of time. Yikes! I'll do some more next week.

Now it's your turn. Share with me a young adult book you love. You never know, it may already be on my list for next week. And then you'll feel all smart and special because you chose the same book I did. ;)

Holiday Expectations

2006-05-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I have "issues" with holidays. Not big holidays like Christmas, Easter, and Halloween, but all the other small holidays that seem to require a gift - like Valentine's Day, Father's Day, and Mother's Day. With Mother's Day rapidly approaching, these issues once again surface.

Don't get me wrong, I think it is good to have a day to celebrate love, or a day to celebrate your mother, or celebrate being a mother. We all want to be appreciated and these holidays give us a chance to be showered with love and attention for a few hours. But I hate the gift giving expectations that come along with those days.

The gifts advertised during these times are always the same. For a woman your choices are flowers, candy, jewelry, or girly pampering stuff. For a man, you can choose a tie, wallet, electronic equipment, or a barbequer of some sort. None of these items are things I really want to either get as a gift (except flowers on occasion) or give as a gift. I don't want Mark to buy me a gift just because society says he should. And I especially don't want any of the advertised gifts for this holiday. Flowers? I like to get those "just because", not because it is expected on a certain day. And they die quickly. Candy? That will make me fat (although there is a great little sweet shop out here). Jewelry? I wear very little and so that's not a great choice. Girly pampering stuff? I have very sensitive skin and can't use most of it, especially not bath beads or bubble bath.

So what do I want on these holidays? All I want for Mother's Day is time with Camden and Mark, maybe a nice dinner, and a chance for a nap. If really pressed for what I would want as a gift, it would be things like new clothes or a new cell phone. But I'll get those eventually anyway, so it doesn't matter if I get it for Mother's Day or not. I look forward to the days when Camden makes me cute little things or chooses out a small gift, but until that point, I don't really want presents because society says I should get one on this holiday.

Worse than trying to think of a gift for myself is trying to think of one for my mother. She is at that stage in life that anything she wants, she buys. And she says she doesn't want more knickknacks or clutter around her house, so any gift that would contribute to that is out. I've been wracking my brain for a gift for her for days for now and am still drawing a blank. Mother's Day is just a few days away and I don't have a clue what to get my mother. I may go with the old stand by - a gift card of some sort.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Do you look forward to these holidays? What do you want in terms of receiving a gift? What are you giving to your mother as a gift? Share with me your feelings. Maybe you'll be the one to help me get over my holiday issues.

My Life Monday - Week 1

2006-05-08T07:24:00.000-07:00

Ok, we're kicking off the first "My Life Monday!" I am very excited to read your life stories! Please put your site in the linky thing below if you complete the MLM. Lolly made these lovely MLM logo's for us to use. Feel free to copy one or both to use on your site.

Week 1 topic - My Most Memorable Childhood Experience
(or how I got my own bedroom)

Growing up, I lived in a two story, 5 bedroom house with my parents, my three brothers, and my one sister. We lived in an ordinary house in an ordinary residential neighborhood. My sister and I shared a bedroom in the basement. It was a nice, big bedroom decorated in a lovely Strawberry Shortcake theme - red carpet, Strawberry Shortcake curtains, etc (It's still decorated that same way today!). My older brother shared a room next to us. The rest of the basement was a big open family room. In the front area were the TV and couches. The middle consisted of the the fireplace and bathroom. The back consisted of our bedrooms. It was a wide open area which made for lots of fun and mischief. Upstairs were three bedrooms, plus the rest of your basic house stuff. My parents had their bedroom upstairs, as well as my two brothers who shared a room. The remaining small room was my mom's sewing/junk room. I tell you all this so you can hopefully picture the scene.

On a stormy fall day in 1984, my sister and I were downstairs in our room cleaning. I was nine and she was seven. Our three brothers were out in the family room watching TV. My mom was upstairs canning fruit and my dad was at work. My sister and I were folding clothes into our respective drawers when all of a sudden there was a thunderous crash. A noise similar to a million firecrackers going off at once deafened our ears for a brief moment. I glanced immediately out to the family room near the fire place, where the noise seemed to have emanated from. As I did this, the family room turned an eerie shade of brilliant blue. A massive fireball of red, orange, and yellow appeared in mid-air in front of the fireplace, rolled once through the room, and disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

My sister and I looked at each other, shrugged, and went back to folding clothes. Yes, we had just heard a booming noise, the room had turned blue, and a fireball had just rolled through our family room, but we went right back to cleaning. I was sure my three brothers had done something stupid which had caused this whole experience, so I just waited for my mom to start yelling at them. Sure enough, we quickly heard my mother's voice drifting down the stairs. But it wasn't to yell at my brothers as I had expected. She was yelling for us to get out of the house.

We all rushed outside where my mom met us. Once there, she told us our house had been struck by lightning. We sat in our car waiting for the firemen to arrive. Once they came, they went through our house quickly and assessed the damage. After they gave the all clear, we went back into the house to observe the damage for ourselves.

The damage was actually minimal. The lightning had traveled through our chimney pipe. Our chimney pipe went through a closet in the upstairs, where my brother's metal baseball bats were also stored. The lightning used the metal bats as a conduct to an electrical outlet. It traveled through outlet to my mom's sewing machine, which it had blown apart. It also burnt a hole in the carpet beneath the sewing machine stand. Downstairs, we discovered the fire place had been moved six inches off its foundation, which is why we heard the loud noise and saw our cool fireball. The firemen told my mom if anybody had been standing near the fireplace, they would have been hurt and if they had been touching the fireplace, they probably would have been killed. We were all very grateful that we were all safe.

Because of the damage in the sewing room to both the machine and the carpet, my parents decided to repaint and redo the sewing room. But they didn't want to put in all that work only to make it another sewing/junk room, so they said it could be my bedroom. I got to help pick out paint colors, carpet colors, bedding, and all sorts of other fun things. Sure it was the smallest room in the house, but it was all mine. I moved in as soon as it was completed, leaving my sister in the basement Strawberry Shortcake redness.

There was no real explanation as to why lightning chose our house. Our house wasn't any taller than other houses. The explanation the fire department gave us is that we were using a lot of electricity and that may have attracted the lightning bolt. For a few years afterwards, my mom would freak out when it would thunder and lightning. She would make us turn out all the lights and sit on the couches with our feet off the ground.

This is probably my favorite story to tell people - how our house got struck by lightning and how I got my own bedroom as a result.

Ok, now I get to read your stories! Post when you have yours done and I will check it out. And for week 2, your topic - The Story of my Spouse - how we met and got together.

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Week in Review

2006-05-05T09:39:00.000-07:00

1. Hazy, very hazy today. I had one of my fun stomach pain nights last night and was up from 1:30 to 3 am waiting for my beloved Percocet to kick in. Whoever invented that deserves a medal. The only bad thing is although it makes me very tired and groggy, I don't sleep deep after taking it, so everything wakes me all night long. I thought about getting a sub today so I could stay home and sleep, but getting a substitute at the last minute on a Friday with just a few weeks left in school is like milking a rock. Not happening.

2. This is my new favorite thing. I love it! We just started signing with Cam and he is already trying to do the sign for dog. We don't allow much TV in our house for many reasons, but made an exception for these videos. Camden gets so excited by them! Yesterday I went to turn on the video. He kept crawling over to the TV and bouncing up and down until it came on. And then he sat transfixed, alternating between watching the video and then watching me do the same sign. Mark and I are also enjoying learning signs as well.

3. I am looking forward to My Life Monday! I hope many of you are ready to participate. As a reminder, the topic for this coming Monday is "My most memorable experience." This can be a good or bad experience. It may be a series of experiences. Have fun with it!

I am making a list of ideas for MLM, so if you have any topics you would like to see covered, please email me. I have several for the younger years, but need more ideas for our lives now. If you are not sure how to email me, click on profile and under that you will see a section that says "email". Just click on that and you can send me whatever you want, especially any extra money you have lying around. ;)

Also, does anybody want to make a cool graphic to go with MLM? I was thinking a little logo like they have for "Works for Me Wednesday" or for "Thirteen Thursday." I'm really good with many things internet, but clueless when it comes to that sort of stuff. If you are can make some sort of logo and are willing to, you would be my new hero. I would even erect a small shrine in your honor (except for that whole "Don't worship false God's" thing).

Have a great weekend!