Monday, November 20, 2006

Healing and Black Friday

Thank you for all of your well wishes. They mean the world to me. It helps to know I am not alone in this. Thank you to all the MOF's and others who have sent emails, called, and just generally been there for me. I can never thank you enough. I am doing better. I've even had a few days in a row now where I haven't shed some tears. I'm healing and moving on, slowly but surely.

Sometimes this whole thing seems surreal. I asked Mark the other night if I was ever really pregnant or if it was it all in my mind. Yes I had eight positive pregnancy tests over the course of 10 days (I'm a test-a-holic - Dollar Tree tests are cheap and great!). I had all the signs of pregnancy - tiredness, nausea, sore breasts (which I never got with Camden). I saw my baby on an ultrasound (with no heartbeat, but with definite form). But it was all over so quick that it doesn't seem like it ever really happened. There is no reminder of my pregnancy. No baby to hold and say goodbye to. No ultrasound pictures to show this baby existed. Nothing except the empty feeling in my heart and in my womb. Every morning I have to wake up and remind myself that no, I am not pregnant anymore. I have to remind myself that it wasn't a dream. I have to remind myself that our baby existed and has now said goodbye.

I have learned I am more emotionally fragile than I think I am. I think I'm doing great, handling things really well, and then somebody says something, or does something, and I find myself crying again. Like the other night when Camden came up and handed me a baby doll. As I looked at that little doll, I realized I wouldn't be having a real baby anytime soon. Or the counselor who stopped me in the hall at school and said, "Congratulations! I hear you are expecting again." And I had to tell her I had lost the baby. The worst was a parent who came into my room after school last week. He got on my case for being behind on grading. Even though I explained I'd had a personal emergency (I never told my students I was pregnant or that I miscarried) that caused me to take three days off of school, that wasn't good enough for him. He proceeded to tell me the students shouldn't have to suffer not knowing their grades because I was having personal problems. As soon as he left, I broke down. How I wanted to tell him I would give anything to have not missed those days, to still be pregnant.

I see my doctor today for the follow up of the D&C. The appointment actually scares me. Knowing I am walking into a room full of pregnant women, knowing that just a few weeks ago I sat in that office full of hope. Knowing I get to ask for all my fertility drugs all over again. I don't want to go. I think because I don't want to face another part of the reality. But I need to start one of my medications sooner rather than later, so I will go to get that.

We're going away for Thanksgiving. We're heading to my hometown in Idaho. I am looking forward to getting away. I look forward to relaxing with my son and my husband. And I get to shop at real stores and eat at real restaurants! It will be a much needed break.

I'm excited to start our Christmas preparations and shopping. Black Friday is a huge fun thing for us! We're those crazy people standing outside a store at 4 am. We go every year and love it. I've already started making my shopping list looking at the various Black Friday sites out there. I know many people who hate that shopping day, but it's a thrill for us. So if you see a frizzy haired woman with a gigantic husband going crazy at sales in Southeast Idaho, it may just be me. For now, I'm signing off until after Thanksgiving break. I hope each of you has a great one and have a fun Black Friday!


Dawnyel said...

Rachelle, you just are SO strong! I'm proud of you for sticking with it and continuing on...even when it's hard!
As for the Thanksgiving could still stop by my house! :) Have a great week! *HUGS*

Mama D said...

You sound like you are doing amazing. I would have just told that man what your emergency was. Sometimes I think that people just need to know how idiotic they are behaving.

Hope you have a great Thanksgiving and Black Friday.

MelnHead said...

You know, we're all unstable to some point-- but it's how we handle ourselves that matters. As for the parent.. I've had those times (kids parents, church people, family members) where I just take it- and then fall apart when they're away... flick boogers on them and remind yourself that not everyone is as kind as they should be. Enjoy your time away-- take care!

sheri said...

Enjoy your Thanksgiving and crazy shopping! You're an amazing woman.
And feel free to send me that guy's address. Or phone number. I know people.

teachingmum1970 said...

You are being brave and positive despite all you've been through. Well done!

Nettie said...

I hope you had an enjoyable Thanksgiving! I'm sorry about that jerk at the school. That is one thing about miscarriage that is so hard. It is such a painful thing, but since you were the only ones who had bonded with the baby (isn't it amazing how quickly that can happen!) no one else sees or understands your loss. Well, except other moms who have felt the same loss.


Jenn said...

I am glad that the healing is beginning. I have thought of your post often and am glad to see that you had fun plans for Thanksgiving/Black Friday.

Enigmatic Kid said...

If only I had known. If only there was some clue, some way of knowing, I could have offered sympathy- perhaps even empathy. You put on a good facade. You were suffering and I was oblivious.

But it sounds like life is gradually becoming much nicer for you, and I hope that continues.

Rachel said...

I only check in once in a while, but I had to comment to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I understand the infertility journey and while I never miscarried, I can only imagine how devestated I would be. Take time to grieve.

And as for the father who complained that his child shouldn't have to suffer to get his grades because you had "personal problems" - how dare he!!! Like teachers aren't supposed to be human?!!

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