Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The real me coming out of hiding

I've been thinking a lot lately about my blog and who I am as a blogger. Why am I blogging and what do I hope to get out of it? Am I seeking comments and validation from other readers or am I writing for myself? Do I want to try to be witty and lighthearted or serious and thoughtful? Will talking about certain topics near and dear to me cause this blog to become a depressing place to be or will it feel more real to me? I don't know the answers yet. I have to come realize, however, that I need to let the real me out a bit more.

Last year, I blogged regularly and always had something to say. I've had several long blog silences over the summer and the subsequent months. I can blame it on being busy, laziness, illness or a million other things, but the truth is, the silences come when I am in the middle of things I'm not sure how to talk about or not quite ready to talk about.

Over the summer, the silences came because we were in the midst of trying for our second child and I wasn't sure if I wanted to share the ups and downs with the Internet world. I did that the first time through on different message boards and it became a huge source of pain as one person after another got pregnant when I didn't. In the fall the silences came because I was pregnant, but not quite ready to share. I knew my news would bring others pain and I was afraid I would miscarry, looking like a fool who shared too soon. Over the holidays, the silences came because of the miscarriage and the feeling I had that I should "be over it already." I have so many friends who have been through worse, so what right did I have to still be sad for myself (and I still think that)?

I'm not hiding behind the silences anymore. Although it is painful to share at times, infertility is so much a part of who I am and defines my life on almost a daily basis. I have gained so much from reading other infertility blogs. Their stories encourage and inspire me. I found some dear blogging friends by searching "LDS" and "infertility", leading me to women of my faith going through the same thing. I don't want to hide that part of me anymore. I don't want to hide the pain and tears that sometimes come with this journey of trying to add another child to our family. At the same time, I don't want to become just another infertility blog. I don't want to be angst-y and whiny and only talk about that. I still don't know how much I will share and how often about this infertility beast, but my hope is that I can incorporate my traditional postings in with the daily struggle with infertility. I hope that I can be a resource or in some way help others struggling with the same thing, like I have been helped by so many others.

I'm also hoping that those of you who are pregnant, who read my blog, will continue to do so. As I have said before, I am fine with pregnant people. This is a trial in my life. Each of us have different trials. You should not feel guilty if you are pregnant of if you get pregnant easily. It does not make me like you any less or make me stop reading your blog. Please don't let it be a reason you stop visiting mine.

Up until about a month ago, I was doing really well with everything. I was at peace with the miscarriage and ready to try again, but not feeling a real sense of urgency to add another. But since then, the ache to have another child has become almost physical. It is on my mind daily, almost hourly. The longing for a second child never goes away. Sometimes I feel guilty because I have one beautiful child already and there are some who haven't even been blessed with that yet. And sometimes I feel guilty that I am not satisfied with just having Camden.

I can't describe it, but it's a constant, ever present desire to have another child. I want it with every fiber of my being. I want it for me, for our family, and for Camden. I so want him to have a sibling. I so want to go through that baby stage again. And so, I'm willing to step on the roller coaster that is infertility and ride it, will all its encompassing pain, heartache, hope, fear, joy, and tears. I don't know how long it will take. I don't know when it will happen. But I will share bits and pieces until I have another child. And I do have the faith and trust that it will happen. Now the wait and the journey begins - again.

21 comments:

Nikkie said...

I'm so sorry Rachelle. I know there isn't anything I can say to help. Post about it all you want, it is your blog and you shouldn't have to hide that part of yourself if you feel you have to.

Sara said...

(((RACHELLE)))! I have BEEN where you are so literally! I know the pain of 2ndary infertility and the loss by miscarriage. I know the sadness of others around you falling PG and you still in limbo. I also know that letting it all out really DOES help!

So hang in there, as glib as that sounds. And blog away, girlfriend! It's much, much cheaper than therapy.

Also, email if you EVER need to talk.

Lynanne said...

Please do continue to talk. By sharing your feelings and experiences, those of us on the other end of the fertility spectrum gain a whole new perspective. Help us to know what you are going through. Many of us want so badly to be there but don't know what to say or do.

Infertility and pregnancy loss has always been treated like a dirty secret. Because of this, there is a division in who belongs to the club and who doesn’t. It’s been said that those of us on the outside can’t possibly understand. I walk on eggshells when I visit a blog that discusses infertility. When someone lashes out in anger at the "super fertiles" I cringe and feel horrible guilt. It shouldn’t be this way. Although I can never truly know what it feels like, I can try and understand. Some of us have friends in similar situations. What you write about may help us be better friends.

Dawnyel said...

You sharing your story, has helped ME! PLEASE share! I know EXACTLY what you're talking about! I feel that ache as well! If YOU need to talk, you know where to find me! :)
*****HUGS******

MaryAnn said...

Thank you for sharing what is in your heart...everyone has a different story, a different viewpoint in life...but we are all connected because we are all sisters. We'll never know what our roads will be like, but we are all on them, and it helps to know that we aren't alone!

Maine Mom said...

I'm glad you wrote this post. I personally enjoy reading blogs more when they contain real life, ups and downs, honesty. Please share with us what you are ready to share.

I thought of you this afternoon when I was reading an article in this month's Ensign about miscarriage. I thought the article was helpful to not only those going through a miscarriage, but those of us who have friends and family dealing with the loss of a baby. I hope you take the time to read this article if you haven't already.

Stephanie said...

Rachelle, that was beautiful. I would love to share your journey with you!

TheMomoftheShoe said...

I think that at the end of the day, the most important thing is that we are true to ourselves. I'm glad you have decided to share your journey with us and I hope that in some way it helps to know that we are all out here full of hope for you and your dreams.

Kristen said...

I have really missed you during your absences, but I completely understand. I think you should write whatever you feel comfortable writing and if that is your frustrations and fears of what you are going through, then I will continue to read and try to be a source of support for you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please feel free to share...especially if it eases the pain.

Michelle said...

I think honest, heartfelt blogs are the best - I think you'll feel better getting stuff off your chest, and you'll have a support group as well!

Lee said...

((hugs)) That makes my heart hurt for you. We had 18 months of trying for our first and it was hard. I cannot imagine your pain. You are in my prayers, I pray that the Lord will bring you comfort. Love ya!

Lisa said...

Write, write, write.

We love you, no matter what you are feelings or sharing , or aching about.

I am so sorry for your pain.

Trials. Ugg. They are NOT fun.

Dramalish said...

What a great post. Makes me feel like wimp for being passworded, though. :P
I'm glad you're ready to do the warts and all stuff. You're right; we find comfort from each other. I want give you a thank you from all the bloggers who haven't found you yet, who will benefit from your story.
:)
-D.

Lei said...

hugs rachelle - i do not know the pain you are going through firsthand, but i can certainly listen and be a friend. :)

Heather said...

Oh girl, I can so relate. No one who isn't there knows that the desire for a second child is in no way smaller than the desire for the first. It is a deep aching longing that fills up everything. I can only pray for you that God will give you peace.

PJ said...

My sister has a twelve year old son and has struggled for years with this very issue. My heart goes out, I think a blog is a wonderful outlet for the emotions you strive through. Kinda theraputic

Gabriela said...

((((hugs)))). My thoughts and prayers are with you.

ShelahBooksIt said...

I'm sorry too, Rachelle. I'm glad you're blogging again, but it hurts my heart to know you're hurting.

Olivia said...

I do know how you feel Rachelle, after losing this last one (4th) I wonder if I am being selfish for not being happy with just T. But I really, really, really want that second baby. I want the whole "one last time" moments, because I do believe that after I get that baby I am done with pregnancy/multiple m/c's.

Hugs to you! I will celebrate with you when needed, and I will cry with you when needed too!

Messimoo said...

Just thinking of you....

Kermit~the~Frog said...

I ditto Shelah. I'm so happy you're back, and so sorry for what you've been through these last few months.