Thursday, March 08, 2007

A sense of failure

I started my second round of Clomid since the miscarriage. Sigh. Why does it make me feel like such a failure? Every time I go to pick up my prescription, a feeling of humiliation comes over me. Every time I start taking the pills, the same thing happens. I felt humiliated when I lost my baby too and could hardly talk about it to others because of the huge feeling of failure. I guess it's the reality that my body doesn't work the way it should and that getting pregnant may never be an easy thing. Others do it all the time on their own, but I have to depend on medications to even have a chance to try to get pregnant. I've ovulated twice on my own in the almost seven years I've been married. The rest are all chemical induced ovulations. While I am very grateful there are medications and I don't have to take the super expensive ones, it's a sense of failure each time. It's a feeling of being betrayed by my body.

People tell me if I lose weight, I'll get pregnant easily. After all it happened to them or to somebody they know. I am working on losing weight. I've lost 14 pounds in the past two months and I weigh less now that I did when I got pregnant with Camden. But even then, weight loss doesn't always work. Both times I have ovulated on my own have been right as I start eating well and exercising. But it doesn't continue into the next cycle. It seems to be a one shot deal. I know weight loss will help with fertility, as well as so much psychological crap, but it doesn't mean it will be the cure all. I could lose 40 pounds and still have to take medications, so I hate such generalizations that because I am heavy, that's the reason I can't get pregnant.

I've realized my biggest struggle this time around. I don't doubt this time that I will get pregnant. That was my issue before, but I've now been pregnant twice (even though only one resulted in a baby). My issue is timing. I have an idea in my head how far apart I want my children. Camden is almost 2 and I really wanted my children about two years apart. But I'm realizing that my time frame is not the Lord's time frame. I know I will have more children. That is not a doubt in my mind at all. I'm just frustrated that it is not happening when I want it to. I also realize that as long as I am doing everything I possibly can to try to get pregnant, the rest is in the Lord's hands. He knows the longing of my heart. He knows how much I want this for me, for our family, for Camden. And just like He sent Camden at just the right time, He'll send the next one at just the right time. If I am doing all I can, I have to leave the rest up to him. I know by taking the medications, continuing to lose weight, and timing sex the best we can, that I am doing all I possibly can and trust the Lord will take care of the rest when the time comes. My problem is I am not a patient person. I want things when I want them and I want it now! LOL! I've got to learn to accept a time frame that is not my own.

Before Camden, I looked at those who had one child and complained because they didn't have a second one and I mocked them in my head thinking at least they have one! I always thought if I had one, I would never complain again and I would be completely satisfied. And now I find myself on the other side of wanting a second child so desperately and aching because it isn't happening. I now regret my previous judgments. I'm so grateful I have Camden. He is truly a blessing and light in my life. Every day I delight and take joy in him. He amazes me with everything he does and learns. I look at him in awe, wondering how we created a little person so beautiful, so smart, so funny, and so amazing in so many ways. He is truly a blessing and a miracle. Because he is so incredible to us, we want another. And so we wait, and pray, and trust, and take the medications again, in spite of the sense of failure that comes by having to do so, and hope that this time around, the Lord's timing will match our desire.

20 comments:

MaryAnn said...

I totally know where you're coming from on the timing issue and the patience! I think those are two of the biggest struggles I've been dealing with since my miscarriage. I'm sorry that it's been so tough for you :)but I'm glad that you aren't giving up and that you have such great faith and wisdom when it comes to things of the Lord's timing. I need to follow your example!

Lynanne said...

One thing I enjoy seeing in your blog entries is your inner dialogue that shows what amazing strength you have within you. You present a problem and work through it. By the end of the post, you seem to have found peace – even if only a little. It's very inspiring, even to a person such as myself who can't possibly understand what you must be going through on this particular issue. As you have told me so many times – each of us faces different trials. I hope that I can learn from your strength and apply it to my own trials.

As for feeling like a failure - please, please, please don't beat yourself up. YOU have not failed. This would imply that you could succeed if only you did things differently. Does a person with a thyroid condition fail because their body doesn't make the right amount (or too much of) a thyroid hormone? What about the little person whose body doesn't manufacture the right amount of growth hormone? It's no different with someone who is infertile. You haven’t failed – your body simply needs an additional nudge so that you can get pregnant. There is nothing you can do differently. Women simply do not have that kind of control over their bodies. If we did fertility and birth control drugs alike could be thrown out the window.

I hated to hear that people are telling you that getting pregnant would be easier if you lost weight. It’s not that simple for all the reasons you list and more. Losing 14 lbs is amazing! Congratulations! But please keep your goals realistic and don’t sacrifice your health in the process. Instead of a weight loss goal, how about a better health goal (emotional and physical wellbeing) that isn’t tied to a number? Or maybe you are already where you need to be? Don’t look at the scale. It’s about how you feel. You are an amazing and beautiful person. I'm sure others will tell you this. Please believe them.

Kelly said...

This is a really excellent entry. I can totally feel your inner struggle. I'll be thinking of you during your struggles. ((hugs))

Char said...

(((HUGS))) Rachelle! I think you're a great mom and a fabulous human being.

Life ticks on said...

I feel for you... I hate it when ppl blame things on your weight or the way things happen etc. I am overweight and I havent always been. I can see it might have a bearing on it but if its a NORM for you then your body is USED to that losing weight isnt going to correct that. I have seen a lot of ppl say if you lose weight you will get pg easier too.

I am sorry your going through this but believe your right the Lord has his plan and you will have it right on his clock. I was the same between #1 and #2... It took us a year of trying to get that right so instead of 18 mos apart they were 30 mos apart.

Life

EmLouisa said...

(((hugs)))

Emily

QueenMeadow said...

Sending some ((hugs)) from me too.

lucky #2 said...

With me just getting back into the testing phase of another TTC round threw me into a tailspin. It is so frustrating and disheartening when your body doesn't work normally and when you constantly are reminded by meds and appointments.

Hang in there, friend.

Lei said...

I am an "I want it now" person too, so I can understand that part of it.

Hang in there! Lots of hugs coming your way... :)

Maine Mom said...

It IS frustrating when the Lord's timing is not the same as what we want it to be. Hang in there!

debi said...

Wow. I just stumbled onto your blog for the first time. And what a powerful post I stumbled upon. So heartbreaking that I have tears running down my face. And yet so inspiring in the hope it holds! So much of it feels ripped from my own life...you brought back some pretty powerful emotions. The reasons for my infertility were entirely different (endometriosis), but the feelings of inadequacy were just the same. And though you know in your head how totally stupid it is to blame yourself, it's a hard feeling to conquer. I hope you do conquer it! And you are so right, secondary infertility is every bit as painful! I sure found it to be every bit as hard the second time around as I did the first! In some ways harder, because of those feelings that you shouldn't complain, you should just be grateful for the child you were blessed with.
And as for anyone who says anything about your weight...well, frankly, they need slapped upside the head! I've never forgotten how many incredibly hurtful things people said to us during all our battles with infertility. Not that anyone means to be hurtful, but insensitivity can feel like cruelty when you're already in so much pain.
I am so very sorry about your miscarriage! I, too, had a miscarriage during our second battle with infertility. It nearly killed me. (Emotionally, not medically.) Losing a baby is something NO ONE should have to go through. And to have it happen while battling infertility seems especially cruel.
I did not mean to ramble on as I did. I just wanted to say that you will be in my thoughts! I so hope that as I continue to check back here, I will find wonderfully happy news!

Dawnyel said...

I'm trying really hard NOT to cry right now!! REALLY HARD!
All I can say is Thank you! There are so many times when I think, "This is MY time...It's time for another child...I know it!" But then the month comes and goes, and nothing!
"But I'm realizing that my time frame is not the Lord's time frame." Thank you, Rachelle!! THANK YOU!

J. said...

i was just coming back to respond to the request for more MLM ideas. i read your new post. the Lord has allowed each of His children to suffer our own unique challenges and weakenesses yet the way we deal with them most times is the same. Though my challenge isn't the same as yours, i know the inadequacy you must feel through my own weakenesses. i am a perfectionist and i am very hard on myself to say the least. the atonement is the key to accepting this life full of disappointments and pain; to remember the Lord has already suffered everything we have and so much more...that is very difficult to do sometimes. We want to be able to depend on ourselves but the reality is, we must learn to depend on Him and give the pain to Him. Thats why we're here. well, about that idea. how about talking about our memorable pets? or a dream vacation or someplace we would love go or to see or do? or all of the above? a strength we have? i'm not sure what you all have written about in past months since i just started this. if you want more, i'm always brainstorming. thanks for your post. you are a strong person and alot of people are touched by you in a great way.

txmommy said...

just wanted to stop and offer a hug{{{}}}} I know about wanting to control the timing of things but He knows better than us and it'll happen when it's supposed to.
In the meantime enjoy your little guy and know you're not alone.

Lisa M. said...

I hate it that we can't control all things in life.

I am sorry you are going through this, it sucks.

You'll be in my prayers.

Jamie said...

I am so sorry that things are not going how you would hope they would. It must be painful to want another baby so badly and not be able to make it happen.

I will be thinking of you, and wishing you babies!

(Thanks for stopping by my blog, I have been checking in on you for a year or so, but haven't commented in a looong time!)

FrogLegs said...

I can't share anything that will help... but I think that the fact that clomid does work on you, is such a wonderful comfort. Hold on to that... As for timing kids apart. Oh gosh, I could just go and go! ;) Nathan will be almost 10 if we get pregnant anytime soon. :) Keep your chin up.

Olivia said...

I must have been dreaming about this blog when I wrote mine! Hugs to you. It will happen for us when the timing is right.

Sara said...

(((HUGS))) to you. I've been where you are at and KNOW what you're going through. Please know that my prayers and thoughts are with you as you go through the infertility hoops again. Keep up the good work with the exercise! I will if YOU will...

Also, tagged you for a Marriage Meme if you're up to it. See you at The Estrogen Files!

T with Honey said...

I echoed your sentiments yesterday about it being in His time, not ours. Yes, I am yet another woman with one child, trying to have a second and the plumming doesn't want to work.

I too felt like a failure every time the TP had red on it and I had to go fill that prescription again. But you succeeded once before. I can happen again.

Losing weight may help but... I'm as skinny as a stick and still need help ovulating. As long as you stick with some form of exercise you may want to try some ice cream!