It's a boy!

Yes, we're having another boy. Unlike his older brother, this baby was more than willing to show the goods right away. We're excited to have another boy, but have no names picked out. I'm open for suggestions. Boy names are the hardest for me because of teaching school - many names get ruined forever. Plus I have specific naming rules. They are as follows:

1. No made up names. It must be a real name with a normal spelling.
2. No gender neutral names.
3. No redneck names like Wyatt.
4. It cannot be one of the following (if you have a child with these names, please don't be offended) - Seth, Ethan, Andrew, Daniel, or Nathan.

I like names that end in N (although I am open to many others) and they must have a nickname possibility.

So, share with me any boy names you just love that fit in my rules! I have a very short list right now and am looking for all suggestions. Bring on the boy names!

Time to guess the gender!

I really suck at blogging in the summer. It seems like so many other things come first. Right now I am taking two classes online, so much of my computer time is spent there. Plus my stepson is here right now and he sleeps in the room with the computer. Being a teenager, he hides in his room most of the day, so my computer time is limited. He leaves later this week, so I should have more blogging time then. I read your blogs still, but don't have much time to comment. I promise to say hi to each of you soon!

Things are going well. I am 18 weeks pregnant today. We rented a doppler with this baby, so every Sunday we listen to the heartbeat to reassure me the baby is still doing well in there. I love being pg and am so grateful for this blessing! Our big ultrasound is the 16th. Hopefully we'll find out what this baby is then. Camden was a shy stubborn baby (much like real life) and it took four ultrasounds to find out what he was. We tried twice at the dr office, once at the big ultrasound, and finally went to Fetal Fotos to find out. The tech had to sit there with the wand on his butt for ten minutes before he decided to spread his legs and show the goods. We're hoping this baby will be more cooperative. So now is the time to put in your guess. Leave a comment with your guess. I have an impression, but I was wrong with Camden, so won't share that impression in case I am wrong again. I will update sometime in the afternoon on the 16th with our news!

Coming out of the closet

Not that closet, but the pregnancy closet in which I have been hiding for the past few months. Yes internet world, I am pregnant again. After what happened the last time, I sat on this announcement until I felt safer. I didn't want to share and then go through another loss, so I have been waiting. But I've had two appointments now that show a beautiful growing baby with a strong heartbeat, and I made it to the 12 week mark. After yesterday's 12 week appointment, I feel comfortable sharing my secret now. I know things can still go wrong. The experiences of my friend K and M and so many others show me that. But I am trusting in the Lord that we will have a baby this time around. So far we are headed in the right direction. Baby #2 will be joining our family around December 11th!

Reflections on Mother's Day

Mother's Day was a hard day for me for many years. I belong to a religion in which family plays a central role. Because of that, services on Mother's Day really emphasize mothers and motherhood. During the years of infertility, this day was the most painful of any in the year. It was one more reminder that I was not a mother and may never be a mother. At the end of sacrament meeting each Mother's Day, all women over the age of 18 were invited to stand a receive a gift. Although meant for all women, it was another stab in the heart and I resented it. The day became so painful for me that it was easier not to attend church on that day. I would stay home and wallow in my sadness over missing the joys of motherhood. Even the promises of motherhood in the next life did nothing to soothe my pain.

Although I am a mother now and I enjoy the home aspects of Mother's day (a special breakfast, extra cuddles with Cam, etc), the church issue is still hard for me to deal with. I know there are women in that audience hurting over not being a mother or their feelings of failure as a mother. Each year, in spite of motherhood, I still have dread over attending church on this day. I go to church on this day now, but I am very aware of how things are worded and the pain they may be causing others. I want to hug each one of those hurting women and tell them I am so sorry for their pain and heartache. Even with the title of mother now, I cringe at some of the comments made yearly in a church setting.

This year at church, the comments at church annoyed me as usual. I knew the pain they would cause to women out there struggling with infertility and the heartbreak. But for me, there was a small moment of healing meant for my heart alone.

After Sunday School, I went to the bathroom while Mark went and picked up Camden from nursery. As I came into the chapel to meet my family, I heard Camden calling for "Mama." As soon as he saw me, he ran up to me, calling my name, and handed me a blue piece of card stock. On it was a little poem about hand prints and there was his little hand print. The nursery workers had the kids make these for their mother's. Brave women that they are, they dipped each child's hand in black paint and placed it on the paper. And even more amazingly, there was no trace of black paint on Camden's skin or church clothing. It thoroughly touched me the effort put in by these women to make these small tokens for the mother's of the children 3 and under. And even more touching was Cam's excitement in presenting me this paper. He was so proud of himself! I cried as its simple beauty touched my soul. In that moment, a bit of healing came over me and the pain of Mother's Day at church lessened to a degree for me alone.

I know that day was hard for many women. I understand and I empathize. I am so, so sorry for anybody struggling through infertility and its pain. I am grateful, however, that for a brief moment I could see the beauty of such a day in a day that has been painful for so many years. I am grateful for that small moment of healing. I hope I never forget how Mother's Day can be a painful reminder for many women. But I also hope I never forget the moment my heart received a small moment of healing on this day. My hope for you, if you are struggling through this, is that you can find healing on that particular day as well.

A Post!

I've been a bad blogger lately. I just haven't had the time to blog much here. And I don't have much to say either. But here are some pictures of some of our adventures recently.

This is the little cutie during an Easter egg hunt at Grandma's house. He had a blast!

A picture with Mom actually in it! Since I rarely make an appearance in pictures. If you are wondering why we're dressed alike, we had family pictures just about an hour before this lil Easter egg hunt, so most of the family is wearing black and khaki.

Camden at the zoo with cousins. He was so sad when he had to leave his cousins.

Camden and the penguin. The penguin kept trying to figure how to get out to visit Cam personally and Cam wanted it to come.

Camden playing on the rocks at the park. Again, he had a blast and didn't want to leave!

Camden recently turned two! I can't believe I now have a two year old. So I'll be back soon with pictures from his birthday.

My Life Monday - dreams

Would you look at that? A MLM on a Monday! Please, hold the applause. Today I am so excited to read about your crazy dreams. And of course you get to read some of my doozies.

As a child, I always had the same dream when I was sick. I don't know why, but I would dream I was chasing knots on a snowy TV screen. Each time I got close to a knot in this gigantic rope, it would fade away again and I would run the other direction after another knot. In the background was always a buzzing sound, like many bees on the loose. I've often wondered what that dream could have meant, but each time I got sick, it came again.

For the past year, I've been having recurring dreams with friends from high school in it. It's always the same two friends. I keep in touch with these friends, but I am not sure why they appear in dreams on a regular basis. It doesn't matter what kind of dream; often these two friends will show up. Nothing weird happens in the dreams - we just talk and interact with each other - but I wonder why it is these two friends I only see on an occasional basis.

I often get asked if I get dreams about going to school naked as a teacher. I never do, but before the start of each school year, without fail, I have a dream in which my first class will be starting in a matter of minutes and I'm not ready. There are no bulletin boards up, I haven't made copies of my first day of school papers, I'm running around like crazy, and frustrated I am behind. This dream makes perfect sense to me since I have to have my room completely set up and all materials ready before the first student walks in my classroom door. This dream just relives the thoughts I have during the day.

Most of the time I don't remember dreams for long, but I do have doozies on a regular basis. I'll tell them to Mark and he'll just marvel. Lately I've had a few that have scared the crap out of me. I'm going to Idaho for Easter break and my dream takes place around my parent's house. In both dreams, somehow Camden gets away from me near their house and I don't notice. So I'm searching for him at twilight and am completely panicked because he is nowhere to be found. In one dream, several people are out searching and we can't find him. In the other, a stream runs behinds some house and I lose him near that. In both there is a great sense of foreboding and loss. I wake up scared and have vowed to not let Camden out of my sight at my parent's house when we visit this week.

Usually my dreams are more crazy and make no sense. Like I'm on American Idol but I can't sing and yet people keep voting for me (Sanjaya anyone?). Or I'm a secret spy and saving the world. I'm always thin in my dreams, and irresistible too. I've had some crazy ones lately, but as I want to share, of course I can't remember them. So if I do, I'll come back and share.

Remember to leave your link below if you participate. Since I will be gone for awhile, there is no topic for next week. I'll update sometime next week with the next topic.

My Life Monday - My personal Philosophy

I have been mired in the world of teenage novels and textbook adoption as we prepare to get new books for next year. I'm in charge of textbook adoption, so it's been fun ordering books and reading books and reviewing them. But I am taking a break from it (and the massive stacks of papers I have to grade) to finally post this, late once again.


So today, I share my personal philosophy on child rearing. Realize I am only a mother of one so I may not really know what I am talking about. LOL!


As a teacher, I see children who are beaten down, who have little to no self esteem, who have seen more in their 14 short years than some adults see in a lifetime. It breaks my heart to see so many walking wounded, maybe not physically wounded, but psychologically. I see so many children who have no clue how to function in the real world, who are saved from the consequences of their actions by their parents. I see so many children who are left to parent themselves and try to determine what is right or wrong. Because of that, I have very defined views on how I want to raise my son (and hopefully future children as well).


I strongly believe in choices and letting children have them. Let them understand the natural consequences, positive or negative, of their choices. Sometimes I want to rescue Camden from his choices or force my will on him, but he won't learn that way, so I have to remind myself to step back and let him learn. I think that is one of the hardest thing about being a parent, not saving your child from their mistakes. It is my job to teach him right from wrong and then let him choose from there.


My biggest parenting philosophy is parenting with love. I don't want to be the one to wound my son's confidence, integrity, and sense of self. It's a hard world out there. People are cruel to each other over tiny differences. I see it every day at school, students leaving battered and bruised emotionally from peers, family, and other supposed loved ones. Camden will receive enough wounds outside the home; I don't want them inflicted in our home. I want our home to be his safe haven, where he always feels love and acceptance. I want it to be the place where he can recover from the darts given by the world. He deserves to know that there are two people who think the world of him, who think he is the greatest thing since sliced bread.


There are consequences for actions and at times we may be disappointed in his choices, but I want him to know that though we may be disappointed in a choice, we are never disappointed in him. I want him to know unconditional love. I don't want my children to live in fear of the moods of one of their parents, never knowing when that parent will blow up and abuse them either mentally or physically. When I discipline, I try to do it with love. And I try to encourage his interests, boost his self esteem, and help him develop his own strong sense of self. I want him to be strong, confident, and secure in our love and in himself. If I can accomplish those goals, then I will feel like I am a good parent.


Please leave your link below if you already posted, and if you haven't, it's not too late.


Next week's topic - An unforgettable dream. Let's share our crazy dreams with each other.

My Life Monday - An embarrassing moment

Really, one of these weeks I will be on time with this. I just can't seem to get myself in gear. But that's ok! If you haven't posted yours yet, you are still more than welcome to.

I embarrass myself on almost a daily basis, so it's hard to know where to begin. I put my foot in my mouth or do stupid things so often that I have many embarrassing moments swirling through my brain. But I'll choose one from junior high.

In junior high, I did track. I didn't like it, but I did it because it seemed like the thing to do. Never mind that I hate running in any form (I also have a strong dislike for sweating) and couldn't do long distances. So I did shot-put normally. A my 8th grade year of track started, I had the brilliant idea of doing hurdles. I signed up to do them and really looked forward to it. But there was only one problem - I was scared of actually jumping over the hurdle. Every day I'd say today was the day I was going over the hurdle. Every day I walked out to the track, stretched, ran a few laps, and prepared to jump over the those hurdles. And every day, running towards them, I would stop right before it came time to jump because I was scared of them. Pathetic huh? So you think that since I couldn't jump over them in practice, I'd not even bother with the upcoming meet right? Wrong! I knew somehow I would do it during the meet and blow everybody out of the water with the prowess that I'd been hiding. I kept my name on the list of hurdlers and went to the first meet.

At the meet, they called for the hurdlers and I went over with the rest to run the race. I signed in, I got into position on the running blocks, and I waited for the whistle. When the whistle went off, I gave it my best shot. I ran and I jumped. I finally jumped! But guess what happened? Yeah, I sucked and ended up tripping over almost all of them. I fell several times, scraping and bruising myself. Everybody finished the race long before I did. When it was over, I walked off the track in extreme embarrassment and humiliation. The coach came over to talk to me afterwards. He hadn't even realized I hadn't been practicing. He wasn't a very good coach and added to my humiliation. I can't remember what he said, but I do know I never liked him again. And the next day at school, some jerky boy imitated my hurdle race in math class. He found this to be his entertainment for the next week or so.

Needless to say, I never did track again. I look back now and wonder what the heck I was thinking, but in that youthful arrogance, I was sure I was going to rock those hurdles, even without practice. That moment is truly a moment I wish the ground had opened up and swallowed me, or at the very least, somebody had slapped me silly before the race even started and told me I had no business in trying to hurdle. It is one that still embarrasses me to this day.

Next week's topic - My personal philosophy. Share with us your philosophy on anything - life, raising children, marriage, you name it! What is your philosophy?! Please leave your link below if you participated this week!

My Life Monday - The Me not many people know

Although I assigned this topic and had time to do it yesterday, it's been a hard topic to complete. I feel I show all sides to myself on here for the most part, so I wonder, what part can I share with you that may be different and unique. I'm actually hoping in the process of typing, I'll come up with something new!

I often feel there are two parts of me. There is the confident, sure of herself, intelligent, and fun teacher/mom/wife combination. In those capacities of teacher, wife, and mother, I'm pretty sure of myself. I'm confident, vibrant, talkative, and have tons of fun with my students, husband, and son. I think this is who I really am and it's who I want to portray most to other people. This is the way I am at home and at work, as well as on the Internet for the most part.

But with others, especially those I don't know well, I turn insecure and shy. I have a hard time talking and feel socially awkward and unsure of how I come across. For this reason, I feel I don't have many in real life friends and have a hard time making them because I'm sure I come across as an idiot. I have a hard time talking to those I perceive as better than me in some way - prettier, smarter, craftier, more fertile, etc. etc. etc, which is quite a few people. Hence, I find myself feeling shy and alone in groups where I should be comfortable, like church and my neighborhood. Most of my real friends (outside of work friends) are online friends. Is that pathetic of me?

So I guess the side of me that not many people know is the second for the Internet world. I can talk easily on here because hey, I've not met most of you and you don't intimidate me (as much)! But to the real life people, the first side is the one not many people know because the second side dominates. I really want to let the first side show through more, so I am working on that. I don't want to be the socially awkward, insecure person forever. Any tips on how to get over that?

Next week's topic - An Embarrassing experience. Make us laugh! Share some of the embarrassing things that have happened to you!

Also, please share any ideas you have for future topics. I have a few some of you have given me, but I'd love more.

A sense of failure

I started my second round of Clomid since the miscarriage. Sigh. Why does it make me feel like such a failure? Every time I go to pick up my prescription, a feeling of humiliation comes over me. Every time I start taking the pills, the same thing happens. I felt humiliated when I lost my baby too and could hardly talk about it to others because of the huge feeling of failure. I guess it's the reality that my body doesn't work the way it should and that getting pregnant may never be an easy thing. Others do it all the time on their own, but I have to depend on medications to even have a chance to try to get pregnant. I've ovulated twice on my own in the almost seven years I've been married. The rest are all chemical induced ovulations. While I am very grateful there are medications and I don't have to take the super expensive ones, it's a sense of failure each time. It's a feeling of being betrayed by my body.

People tell me if I lose weight, I'll get pregnant easily. After all it happened to them or to somebody they know. I am working on losing weight. I've lost 14 pounds in the past two months and I weigh less now that I did when I got pregnant with Camden. But even then, weight loss doesn't always work. Both times I have ovulated on my own have been right as I start eating well and exercising. But it doesn't continue into the next cycle. It seems to be a one shot deal. I know weight loss will help with fertility, as well as so much psychological crap, but it doesn't mean it will be the cure all. I could lose 40 pounds and still have to take medications, so I hate such generalizations that because I am heavy, that's the reason I can't get pregnant.

I've realized my biggest struggle this time around. I don't doubt this time that I will get pregnant. That was my issue before, but I've now been pregnant twice (even though only one resulted in a baby). My issue is timing. I have an idea in my head how far apart I want my children. Camden is almost 2 and I really wanted my children about two years apart. But I'm realizing that my time frame is not the Lord's time frame. I know I will have more children. That is not a doubt in my mind at all. I'm just frustrated that it is not happening when I want it to. I also realize that as long as I am doing everything I possibly can to try to get pregnant, the rest is in the Lord's hands. He knows the longing of my heart. He knows how much I want this for me, for our family, for Camden. And just like He sent Camden at just the right time, He'll send the next one at just the right time. If I am doing all I can, I have to leave the rest up to him. I know by taking the medications, continuing to lose weight, and timing sex the best we can, that I am doing all I possibly can and trust the Lord will take care of the rest when the time comes. My problem is I am not a patient person. I want things when I want them and I want it now! LOL! I've got to learn to accept a time frame that is not my own.

Before Camden, I looked at those who had one child and complained because they didn't have a second one and I mocked them in my head thinking at least they have one! I always thought if I had one, I would never complain again and I would be completely satisfied. And now I find myself on the other side of wanting a second child so desperately and aching because it isn't happening. I now regret my previous judgments. I'm so grateful I have Camden. He is truly a blessing and light in my life. Every day I delight and take joy in him. He amazes me with everything he does and learns. I look at him in awe, wondering how we created a little person so beautiful, so smart, so funny, and so amazing in so many ways. He is truly a blessing and a miracle. Because he is so incredible to us, we want another. And so we wait, and pray, and trust, and take the medications again, in spite of the sense of failure that comes by having to do so, and hope that this time around, the Lord's timing will match our desire.