So blessed

My mind and heart are a swirl of thoughts and emotions today as my first baby has his first birthday and turns one. There were many times during the 3.5 years it took to conceive Camden that I thought I would never be a mother. There were many times I mourned, many tears shed. It got to the point where it was almost too painful to hope anymore.

And then the miracle occurred. I remember vividly finding out I was finally pregnant. We were on our 10th round of Clomid. We knew after this round, our third in a row after a long break, would mean another break so my body could rest. We had discussed how far we were willing to pursue this fertility treatment journey before we stopped completely and this 10th round was very close to that final stopping point. I had been charting and it looked like, once again, the medicines had failed me and I had not ovulated. I kept temping so I could show my fertility specialist in Salt Lake and something strange happened. A few days after I expected it, fertility friend drew crosshairs on my chart, indicating ovulation. I was pleased with that, but fully expected to not be pregnant again. But my chart did something it never had before. The temps kept going up every single day. By point 1 degrees (.1), my temp increased day after day. Finally, with no drop in sight, we decided to test at 12 days past ovulation.

At 3 am, I was in the bathroom testing. A line so faint as to barely be there appeared on the test. Not believing it, and not even sure what it meant, we used the second test. Another line appeared. But the faintness caused us to doubt the realness. After so much disappointment, it was hard to believe this could finally happen. The next morning found me on the phone to my fertility specialist who ordered a blood test. The hour and half waiting for those test results were some of the longest of my life. So many hopes and dreams were tied up in that waiting. And then the phone rang with the news. Positive. I started crying immediately. I called Mark at work and told him, and then I dropped to my knees and prayed, thanking my Heavenly Father for working a miracle. Asking for another miracle – that this pregnancy would continue and our baby would arrive safely.

The Lord answered that prayer as well. My pregnancy was mostly uneventful. I lived in fear of a miscarriage, of early delivery, of something going seriously wrong, but the Lord carried me and our baby through. Although I had the discomforts of pregnancy, the nausea, the tiredness, the peeing every few hours all night long, I thanked the Lord each day for my miracle, for being pregnant. I rarely complained and actually loved being pregnant. It was a joy to be pregnant. I gloried in my expanding body and growing baby.

Near the end, I thought I would be pregnant until I was 90. I walked around at 3 centimeters dilated and partly effaced for over three weeks. I had weekly non stress tests because of slightly high blood pressure, but Cam was perfectly happy inside. On Monday, April 18, 2005, I had my weekly doctor appointment and another stress test. Everything was the same as weeks before and the doctor and I discussed induction. This is an email I sent to a friend that night:

I am feeling good, but ready to have this baby. Went to the dr today and everything is still going well. I am so ready to have this baby, but so far, nothing. I am 3.5 cm dilated, but not very effaced yet. Had another non stress test, but passed again with flying colors. We will induce late next week if I have not had the baby by then. I'll be a week overdue then. I'm hoping he'll come any day, but who knows. I am now wishing I had stayed at work until I went into labor. Maybe time would have gone by faster.

I stayed up late that night, knowing Cam wasn’t coming anytime soon and disappointed that I might be induced. I went to bed at midnight, planning ways to try to get labor started the next day. At 3 am I woke to go to the bathroom – like usual. As I stood up, water started running down my leg. I thought I just had to pee really bad and squeezed tight. The water kept coming and I realized my water had broken. It had meconium in it, which meant we needed to get to the hospital and monitor Camden to make sure he was ok. So off we went.

After 15 hours of labor, 1.5 hours of pushing, and an epidural that kept wearing off, Camden was born at 5:45 pm. Because of the meconium and him aspirating some, they whisked him off after showing him to me briefly. But in that first glance I knew, he was perfect. There could never be such a beautiful, wonderful, perfect, miraculous boy as the one I just had. They brought him back to me about an hour later and I gloried in my son. I stroked his beautiful face, smelled his beautiful baby smell, and marveled at making something so absolutely flawless. I could hardly sleep that first night. I kept waking and looking at Cam in his bassinette next to me and thought, “I’m a mom. Finally, I am really a mother.”

I am amazed today at how fast a year can go, at how fast a baby can grow. Camden came into this world at 7 pounds 5 ounces and 19 inches long. He’s now over 22 pounds and of average height (we’ll find out exact statistics tomorrow at his 1 year doctor appointment). He started as this little helpless thing I was afraid I would break. And now he crawls around, laughing, getting into mischief, pulling up on everything, and delighting us with everything he does.

I am still in awe of the miracle that is my son. I am so grateful for him in my life. I thank my Heavenly Father every day for the blessing of being a parent, for the blessing of my son, for the privilege of being Camden’s mother, because it truly is a privilege to be a mother and especially his mother. I knew I would love being a mom, but I didn’t realize how much. I knew I would love my son, but I didn’t know it would be so completely, so wholly. I knew he would bring me joy, but again, I didn’t realize the extent that joy would be. Mark and I delight in everything Camden does. We’re constantly talking to each other about the little things he does, about how much we love our son. Camden brought completeness to our family. I still look at him and think, he is the most beautiful, wonderful, perfect, miraculous boy.

Today I am grateful for motherhood. I am grateful for my son. I am grateful for miracles. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father. I am grateful for families, especially eternal families. I am so blessed. So blessed.