Wednesday, April 19, 2006

So blessed

My mind and heart are a swirl of thoughts and emotions today as my first baby has his first birthday and turns one. There were many times during the 3.5 years it took to conceive Camden that I thought I would never be a mother. There were many times I mourned, many tears shed. It got to the point where it was almost too painful to hope anymore.

And then the miracle occurred. I remember vividly finding out I was finally pregnant. We were on our 10th round of Clomid. We knew after this round, our third in a row after a long break, would mean another break so my body could rest. We had discussed how far we were willing to pursue this fertility treatment journey before we stopped completely and this 10th round was very close to that final stopping point. I had been charting and it looked like, once again, the medicines had failed me and I had not ovulated. I kept temping so I could show my fertility specialist in Salt Lake and something strange happened. A few days after I expected it, fertility friend drew crosshairs on my chart, indicating ovulation. I was pleased with that, but fully expected to not be pregnant again. But my chart did something it never had before. The temps kept going up every single day. By point 1 degrees (.1), my temp increased day after day. Finally, with no drop in sight, we decided to test at 12 days past ovulation.

At 3 am, I was in the bathroom testing. A line so faint as to barely be there appeared on the test. Not believing it, and not even sure what it meant, we used the second test. Another line appeared. But the faintness caused us to doubt the realness. After so much disappointment, it was hard to believe this could finally happen. The next morning found me on the phone to my fertility specialist who ordered a blood test. The hour and half waiting for those test results were some of the longest of my life. So many hopes and dreams were tied up in that waiting. And then the phone rang with the news. Positive. I started crying immediately. I called Mark at work and told him, and then I dropped to my knees and prayed, thanking my Heavenly Father for working a miracle. Asking for another miracle – that this pregnancy would continue and our baby would arrive safely.

The Lord answered that prayer as well. My pregnancy was mostly uneventful. I lived in fear of a miscarriage, of early delivery, of something going seriously wrong, but the Lord carried me and our baby through. Although I had the discomforts of pregnancy, the nausea, the tiredness, the peeing every few hours all night long, I thanked the Lord each day for my miracle, for being pregnant. I rarely complained and actually loved being pregnant. It was a joy to be pregnant. I gloried in my expanding body and growing baby.

Near the end, I thought I would be pregnant until I was 90. I walked around at 3 centimeters dilated and partly effaced for over three weeks. I had weekly non stress tests because of slightly high blood pressure, but Cam was perfectly happy inside. On Monday, April 18, 2005, I had my weekly doctor appointment and another stress test. Everything was the same as weeks before and the doctor and I discussed induction. This is an email I sent to a friend that night:

I am feeling good, but ready to have this baby. Went to the dr today and everything is still going well. I am so ready to have this baby, but so far, nothing. I am 3.5 cm dilated, but not very effaced yet. Had another non stress test, but passed again with flying colors. We will induce late next week if I have not had the baby by then. I'll be a week overdue then. I'm hoping he'll come any day, but who knows. I am now wishing I had stayed at work until I went into labor. Maybe time would have gone by faster.



I stayed up late that night, knowing Cam wasn’t coming anytime soon and disappointed that I might be induced. I went to bed at midnight, planning ways to try to get labor started the next day. At 3 am I woke to go to the bathroom – like usual. As I stood up, water started running down my leg. I thought I just had to pee really bad and squeezed tight. The water kept coming and I realized my water had broken. It had meconium in it, which meant we needed to get to the hospital and monitor Camden to make sure he was ok. So off we went.

After 15 hours of labor, 1.5 hours of pushing, and an epidural that kept wearing off, Camden was born at 5:45 pm. Because of the meconium and him aspirating some, they whisked him off after showing him to me briefly. But in that first glance I knew, he was perfect. There could never be such a beautiful, wonderful, perfect, miraculous boy as the one I just had. They brought him back to me about an hour later and I gloried in my son. I stroked his beautiful face, smelled his beautiful baby smell, and marveled at making something so absolutely flawless. I could hardly sleep that first night. I kept waking and looking at Cam in his bassinette next to me and thought, “I’m a mom. Finally, I am really a mother.”

I am amazed today at how fast a year can go, at how fast a baby can grow. Camden came into this world at 7 pounds 5 ounces and 19 inches long. He’s now over 22 pounds and of average height (we’ll find out exact statistics tomorrow at his 1 year doctor appointment). He started as this little helpless thing I was afraid I would break. And now he crawls around, laughing, getting into mischief, pulling up on everything, and delighting us with everything he does.

I am still in awe of the miracle that is my son. I am so grateful for him in my life. I thank my Heavenly Father every day for the blessing of being a parent, for the blessing of my son, for the privilege of being Camden’s mother, because it truly is a privilege to be a mother and especially his mother. I knew I would love being a mom, but I didn’t realize how much. I knew I would love my son, but I didn’t know it would be so completely, so wholly. I knew he would bring me joy, but again, I didn’t realize the extent that joy would be. Mark and I delight in everything Camden does. We’re constantly talking to each other about the little things he does, about how much we love our son. Camden brought completeness to our family. I still look at him and think, he is the most beautiful, wonderful, perfect, miraculous boy.

Today I am grateful for motherhood. I am grateful for my son. I am grateful for miracles. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father. I am grateful for families, especially eternal families. I am so blessed. So blessed.

32 comments:

Stephanie said...

What beautiful sentiment. Your love for your baby touched me so much. You are a wonderful mother. Thank you for sharing your blessings with us.

Dawnyel said...

What a great story of hope! Being a mom is one of the best things in the world and I'm so glad that you were blessed to be a mommy! Thanks for sharing your story...it gives me hope and I'm sure others as well!

Angela said...

That was beautiful.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAM!

Please give him a big birthday hug from me!

Nikkie said...

I am so touched by your story! Thank you so much for sharing it!

Happy Birthday Cam!!!

Kristen said...

Wow. Your post today brought tears to my eyes.

What an amazing feeling that must be after having gone through all of that.

I could truly feel how you must have felt finding out you were pregnant while reading your post.

Your son is beautiful and precious and amazing. You are a lucky mom! :-)

Happy Birthday, little boy!!

Pamela said...

Wow, thanks for your post!!

Sugarmama said...

Congratulations! My baby Bean's first birthday is today, too, though I haven't posted yet about it...

Nice cake, too, by the way. Don't know if I'll get it together enough to have a theme by her birthday party this weekend or not. So far, it's not looking good.

Doulabean said...

Beautiful!

Heather from One Woman's World said...

What a joyful, heart-wrenching, amazing journey. I'm so glad you got your son. :)

LynAnne said...

Thank you so much for sharing these beautiful memories with us! I was on the edge of my seat even though I knew what the outcome was.

Happy 1st birthday Camden!!!! Even though you are now a toddler you will forever be your mommy's baby. All the best!!!!

The Constant Gardener said...

Happy Birthday, Cam! That is a beautiful story. He was born the exact same size as my Little Boy. It's the perfect baby size! :)

Maine Mom said...

Happy Mother's Day to you, and Happy 1st Birthday, Cam! You ARE blessed, and Cam is blessed to have parents that love and care for him so much :-) Thanks for sharing your story.

Andrea said...

Thats so beautiful Rachelle, you've got me in tears!
Happy Birthday Cam!

Mel said...

That is such a lovely tribute! Happy birthday to your baby! (Doesn't the first year FLY by? The days are long, but the years are short!)

Nettie said...

What a beautiful baby! And a beautiful post! I'm so glad Heavenly Father gave you that little blessing...

scraphappymama said...

So happy for you and your family. It is obvious that you love your son so much. Happy Birthday, Camden!!

QueenMeadow said...

Happy Birthday Camden! You are lucky to have such a great mom.

Thanks for sharing, Rachelle.

Linsey said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I knew your story, but thankyou so much for sharing it again...as you have... it is a beautiful story. You are blessed to have him, and he is so blessed to have you.

Carrie said...

Happy Birthday to your bundle of joy Camden!:) Thank you for sharing with us. It was wonderful.

Marissa said...

That was beautiful Rachelle--gave me chills.

Cooper wants to wish his birthday buddy a HAPPY BIRTHDAY (sorry it's a day late).

JD said...

What a sweet baby!! Congrats again.

Lei said...

I am loving that picture with all the white! I cannot wait to hold one of those again!

You have been down a long, trying road, Rachelle... and what a beautiful child you have to show for it all!

emlouisa said...

What a beautiful post. I have tears!!!! Thanks so much for sharing!

Zoe said...

Thank you for sharing this . . . it is such a great reminder of the miracle of life . . . spoken from a mother's perspective. Congratulations.

Stacy said...

What a beautiful tribute to your adorable son! Your brought tears to my eyes!

ubercyl said...

Congratulations to all of you. Thank you for sharing all of that. He's gorgeous and delightful. Happy Birthday, Camden!

Karen said...

That is just beautiful, and what a gorgeous newborn!

That birthday cake is fabuloso!

Sara said...

Man you have me bawling Rachelle. NO FAIR! :P
As a gal thats been by your side through this trial just wanted to say how incredibley happy I am for you and your miracle boy.

Sara

HolyMama! said...

this was so beautiful! and that photo of him... oh so sweet!

beth said...

What an amazing story and a beautiful post. I'm so happy for you and your son. Your description of seeing him for the first time really took me back to meeting Sam nearly one year ago.

If it's ok with you I think I'll link to you. I keep coming back here anyway...

BigSister said...

Thank you so much for your beautiful words. I can tell that Camden means the world to you. It brings back memories of meeting 'Danda' for the first time nearly a year ago. Time has flown by.

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