Wednesday, March 28, 2007

My Life Monday - My personal Philosophy

I have been mired in the world of teenage novels and textbook adoption as we prepare to get new books for next year. I'm in charge of textbook adoption, so it's been fun ordering books and reading books and reviewing them. But I am taking a break from it (and the massive stacks of papers I have to grade) to finally post this, late once again.

So today, I share my personal philosophy on child rearing. Realize I am only a mother of one so I may not really know what I am talking about. LOL!

As a teacher, I see children who are beaten down, who have little to no self esteem, who have seen more in their 14 short years than some adults see in a lifetime. It breaks my heart to see so many walking wounded, maybe not physically wounded, but psychologically. I see so many children who have no clue how to function in the real world, who are saved from the consequences of their actions by their parents. I see so many children who are left to parent themselves and try to determine what is right or wrong. Because of that, I have very defined views on how I want to raise my son (and hopefully future children as well).

I strongly believe in choices and letting children have them. Let them understand the natural consequences, positive or negative, of their choices. Sometimes I want to rescue Camden from his choices or force my will on him, but he won't learn that way, so I have to remind myself to step back and let him learn. I think that is one of the hardest thing about being a parent, not saving your child from their mistakes. It is my job to teach him right from wrong and then let him choose from there.

My biggest parenting philosophy is parenting with love. I don't want to be the one to wound my son's confidence, integrity, and sense of self. It's a hard world out there. People are cruel to each other over tiny differences. I see it every day at school, students leaving battered and bruised emotionally from peers, family, and other supposed loved ones. Camden will receive enough wounds outside the home; I don't want them inflicted in our home. I want our home to be his safe haven, where he always feels love and acceptance. I want it to be the place where he can recover from the darts given by the world. He deserves to know that there are two people who think the world of him, who think he is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

There are consequences for actions and at times we may be disappointed in his choices, but I want him to know that though we may be disappointed in a choice, we are never disappointed in him. I want him to know unconditional love. I don't want my children to live in fear of the moods of one of their parents, never knowing when that parent will blow up and abuse them either mentally or physically. When I discipline, I try to do it with love. And I try to encourage his interests, boost his self esteem, and help him develop his own strong sense of self. I want him to be strong, confident, and secure in our love and in himself. If I can accomplish those goals, then I will feel like I am a good parent.

Please leave your link below if you already posted, and if you haven't, it's not too late.

Next week's topic - An unforgettable dream. Let's share our crazy dreams with each other.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

My Life Monday - An embarrassing moment

Really, one of these weeks I will be on time with this. I just can't seem to get myself in gear. But that's ok! If you haven't posted yours yet, you are still more than welcome to.

I embarrass myself on almost a daily basis, so it's hard to know where to begin. I put my foot in my mouth or do stupid things so often that I have many embarrassing moments swirling through my brain. But I'll choose one from junior high.

In junior high, I did track. I didn't like it, but I did it because it seemed like the thing to do. Never mind that I hate running in any form (I also have a strong dislike for sweating) and couldn't do long distances. So I did shot-put normally. A my 8th grade year of track started, I had the brilliant idea of doing hurdles. I signed up to do them and really looked forward to it. But there was only one problem - I was scared of actually jumping over the hurdle. Every day I'd say today was the day I was going over the hurdle. Every day I walked out to the track, stretched, ran a few laps, and prepared to jump over the those hurdles. And every day, running towards them, I would stop right before it came time to jump because I was scared of them. Pathetic huh? So you think that since I couldn't jump over them in practice, I'd not even bother with the upcoming meet right? Wrong! I knew somehow I would do it during the meet and blow everybody out of the water with the prowess that I'd been hiding. I kept my name on the list of hurdlers and went to the first meet.

At the meet, they called for the hurdlers and I went over with the rest to run the race. I signed in, I got into position on the running blocks, and I waited for the whistle. When the whistle went off, I gave it my best shot. I ran and I jumped. I finally jumped! But guess what happened? Yeah, I sucked and ended up tripping over almost all of them. I fell several times, scraping and bruising myself. Everybody finished the race long before I did. When it was over, I walked off the track in extreme embarrassment and humiliation. The coach came over to talk to me afterwards. He hadn't even realized I hadn't been practicing. He wasn't a very good coach and added to my humiliation. I can't remember what he said, but I do know I never liked him again. And the next day at school, some jerky boy imitated my hurdle race in math class. He found this to be his entertainment for the next week or so.

Needless to say, I never did track again. I look back now and wonder what the heck I was thinking, but in that youthful arrogance, I was sure I was going to rock those hurdles, even without practice. That moment is truly a moment I wish the ground had opened up and swallowed me, or at the very least, somebody had slapped me silly before the race even started and told me I had no business in trying to hurdle. It is one that still embarrasses me to this day.

Next week's topic - My personal philosophy. Share with us your philosophy on anything - life, raising children, marriage, you name it! What is your philosophy?! Please leave your link below if you participated this week!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

My Life Monday - The Me not many people know

Although I assigned this topic and had time to do it yesterday, it's been a hard topic to complete. I feel I show all sides to myself on here for the most part, so I wonder, what part can I share with you that may be different and unique. I'm actually hoping in the process of typing, I'll come up with something new!

I often feel there are two parts of me. There is the confident, sure of herself, intelligent, and fun teacher/mom/wife combination. In those capacities of teacher, wife, and mother, I'm pretty sure of myself. I'm confident, vibrant, talkative, and have tons of fun with my students, husband, and son. I think this is who I really am and it's who I want to portray most to other people. This is the way I am at home and at work, as well as on the Internet for the most part.

But with others, especially those I don't know well, I turn insecure and shy. I have a hard time talking and feel socially awkward and unsure of how I come across. For this reason, I feel I don't have many in real life friends and have a hard time making them because I'm sure I come across as an idiot. I have a hard time talking to those I perceive as better than me in some way - prettier, smarter, craftier, more fertile, etc. etc. etc, which is quite a few people. Hence, I find myself feeling shy and alone in groups where I should be comfortable, like church and my neighborhood. Most of my real friends (outside of work friends) are online friends. Is that pathetic of me?

So I guess the side of me that not many people know is the second for the Internet world. I can talk easily on here because hey, I've not met most of you and you don't intimidate me (as much)! But to the real life people, the first side is the one not many people know because the second side dominates. I really want to let the first side show through more, so I am working on that. I don't want to be the socially awkward, insecure person forever. Any tips on how to get over that?

Next week's topic - An Embarrassing experience. Make us laugh! Share some of the embarrassing things that have happened to you!

Also, please share any ideas you have for future topics. I have a few some of you have given me, but I'd love more.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

A sense of failure

I started my second round of Clomid since the miscarriage. Sigh. Why does it make me feel like such a failure? Every time I go to pick up my prescription, a feeling of humiliation comes over me. Every time I start taking the pills, the same thing happens. I felt humiliated when I lost my baby too and could hardly talk about it to others because of the huge feeling of failure. I guess it's the reality that my body doesn't work the way it should and that getting pregnant may never be an easy thing. Others do it all the time on their own, but I have to depend on medications to even have a chance to try to get pregnant. I've ovulated twice on my own in the almost seven years I've been married. The rest are all chemical induced ovulations. While I am very grateful there are medications and I don't have to take the super expensive ones, it's a sense of failure each time. It's a feeling of being betrayed by my body.

People tell me if I lose weight, I'll get pregnant easily. After all it happened to them or to somebody they know. I am working on losing weight. I've lost 14 pounds in the past two months and I weigh less now that I did when I got pregnant with Camden. But even then, weight loss doesn't always work. Both times I have ovulated on my own have been right as I start eating well and exercising. But it doesn't continue into the next cycle. It seems to be a one shot deal. I know weight loss will help with fertility, as well as so much psychological crap, but it doesn't mean it will be the cure all. I could lose 40 pounds and still have to take medications, so I hate such generalizations that because I am heavy, that's the reason I can't get pregnant.

I've realized my biggest struggle this time around. I don't doubt this time that I will get pregnant. That was my issue before, but I've now been pregnant twice (even though only one resulted in a baby). My issue is timing. I have an idea in my head how far apart I want my children. Camden is almost 2 and I really wanted my children about two years apart. But I'm realizing that my time frame is not the Lord's time frame. I know I will have more children. That is not a doubt in my mind at all. I'm just frustrated that it is not happening when I want it to. I also realize that as long as I am doing everything I possibly can to try to get pregnant, the rest is in the Lord's hands. He knows the longing of my heart. He knows how much I want this for me, for our family, for Camden. And just like He sent Camden at just the right time, He'll send the next one at just the right time. If I am doing all I can, I have to leave the rest up to him. I know by taking the medications, continuing to lose weight, and timing sex the best we can, that I am doing all I possibly can and trust the Lord will take care of the rest when the time comes. My problem is I am not a patient person. I want things when I want them and I want it now! LOL! I've got to learn to accept a time frame that is not my own.

Before Camden, I looked at those who had one child and complained because they didn't have a second one and I mocked them in my head thinking at least they have one! I always thought if I had one, I would never complain again and I would be completely satisfied. And now I find myself on the other side of wanting a second child so desperately and aching because it isn't happening. I now regret my previous judgments. I'm so grateful I have Camden. He is truly a blessing and light in my life. Every day I delight and take joy in him. He amazes me with everything he does and learns. I look at him in awe, wondering how we created a little person so beautiful, so smart, so funny, and so amazing in so many ways. He is truly a blessing and a miracle. Because he is so incredible to us, we want another. And so we wait, and pray, and trust, and take the medications again, in spite of the sense of failure that comes by having to do so, and hope that this time around, the Lord's timing will match our desire.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

My Life Monday - foods

Yeah, I realize I'm a little over a week late. No good excuses, just plain not wanting to blog. :) But here I am today! The topic was - foods you like and dislike.

Foods I love

-Tomatoes! I love tomatoes and Mark thinks I am crazy because of it. Yum! I'll eat them in almost any form. Cam loves them too!

-Broccoli - Again, I love broccoli. It's one of my favorite veggies to eat.

-Wheat toast with butter. There is something very comforting about this. If I am sick, it's often what I want to eat when food starts to sound good again. I also eat this a lot after any sort of surgery or medical procedure. But the bread has to be wheat.

-Cereal. I could live on cereal. I could eat it for every meal for every day. Mark calls cereal my stand-by food because I am always eating it.

-Red grapes. I can eat these almost every day. Yum!

-Chocolate. I really didn't like much chocolate until I got pregnant with Camden. Then I started to crave it and now have a chocolate sweet tooth. But I can still only eat small amounts before I get sick of it.

-Chicken Cordon Bleu. My favorite dinner Mark makes. He does a delicious baked one and I look forward to it.

-Potatoes. I'm an Idaho girl at heart. Potatoes are a love of mine. Baked, mashed, fried, roasted, give me potatoes!

-Cheesecake. My absolute favorite dessert. Especially with a raspberry topping. I am drooling thinking of it.

-Carrots. I eat baby carrots every day for lunch. I never get sick of them.

Foods I hate

-Salad dressing. Out of all the foods I hate, this is at the top of my list. I cannot stand any sort of salad dressing in any form. Ranch, vinaigrette's, oil based, you name it and I hate it. Just the smell makes me gag. When pregnant, salad dressing must be eating in another room because the smell affects me that much. I won't eat any sort of pasta salad either because it usually has a dressing on it. I will not eat anything made with any sort of dressing. They all gag me. What do I eat on a salad then? Lemon juice. Yup, I squirt lemon juice across my salads. Yum!

-Mayonnaise/Miracle Whip. Again, I hate this in any form and will not eat it. Occasionally I add a minute amount to tuna to moisten it, but that's about it.

-Cheese. Ok, I like cheese, but not very much of it. So I like pizza with less cheese. I'll eat it on tacos, pizza, and other things, but not very much of it. I have a hard time making a recipe if it calls for more than a cup of cheese.

-Mushrooms. Ick! Who likes those things?

-Spinach. I try to like it, I really do. But it really is something I have to force myself to eat. I keep thinking that I'll find a good way to cook it, but so far, nothing.

-Ripe bananas. I only like green bananas. Once they turn fully yellow, yuck! Keep them away from me!

-Chicken with a tomato sauce on it. I don't know why I can't stomach that, but I can't. It just seems wrong to me.

-Any sort of spongy egg dish like quiche or souffle. I can't stand the texture!

So those are a few of my crazy likes and dislikes. If you have already completed this, please leave your link below. If you haven't, feel free to do so and then come back and link. I look forward to reading your lists! Next week's topic - The me not many people know. Share a side of yourself we may not know already. Also, if you have ideas for MLM topics, please leave them in the comments. I need some more ideas!