Melancholy Mom and New Year's Resolutions (two posts for the price of one!)

It's about time I update my blog! The Christmas break found me being lazy, lazy, lazy.

I'm feeling a bit blue tonight. The end of one year always finds me a bit down as I ponder the past year and look at what I accomplished and what I didn't accomplish. Spiritually, I started the year as a slacker and made some improvements. I'm still not where I want to be, but definitely making progress. Physically, I made great progress of losing weight after having Camden, but have since falling off the healthy wagon. Financially we stayed about the same. We paid off some debts but acquired a few new. So we're about in the same spot we were last year at this time. In other areas, Mark started school and is doing great! He earned a 4.0 this semester. Not bad for his first time back in college in 11 years. Yay Mark! And of course my biggest goal was to bring forth a healthy child and raise him well. I did the bring him forth part and am now working on the raising him well part.

My little boy turned 8 months old recently. I cannot believe how time has flown. Time is a tricky thing. It seems like the past 8 months have flown by in the wink of an eye. But at the same time it seems as if Camden has always been a part of my life. I cannot remember what life was like before him (except I remember it involved continuous sleep). He was born in 2005 and we are soon to enter 2006. That means he's getting closer and closer all the time to turning one year old. It is going by too fast! I want time to slow down. I want my little boy to stay my little boy forever. Of course I know that is impossible, but he is growing way too fast.

I think that is why I am sad tonight. My little boy is growing. Soon he will no longer be my little boy. Each day older is one more step in growth and each growth is one more step away from his mommy. He won't need me forever. My baby is changing from baby to toddler. His face is starting to lose a touch of its roundness and starting to look a touch older. I noticed today that his hair is filling in on top and on the sides by his ears. It's starting to fringe out around his ears a bit. When did that happen and how did I not notice it until today? My boy isn't so little anymore. He's 8 months old and weighs about 22 pounds. Yeah, roughly the size of small whale. I noticed in the past few weeks that all his 6 to 12 month clothing is getting short and tight on him. We've started to bust out the 12 to 18 month clothing. Where has time gone? How and when did he grow so fast? It seems like only yesterday I was holding my 7 pound 5 ounce baby in my arms and now he is a big chunk!

He's still a baby in so many ways. I find his development intriguing. In language skills, I think he is advanced for his age. He says mama, dada, yeah, hi, baba, and various other words all the time. People think I am lying when I say this and then he'll look at me and say mama. He's a super happy baby who will smile at anyone. He fusses rarely. But in other areas he's taking his time. The boy won't eat anything resembling a solid. He loves his momma milk and his baby foods, but take anything near his lips that is semi solid and watch him make a face of death. He acts like I am trying to poison him if a Cheerio, piece of bread, cooked veggie, or fruit touches his mouth. If I actually get it in his mouth, he pushes it out with his tongue. And if I can keep pushing it in his mouth long enough for him to swallow, he gags.

He sits up and has done so for a long time, but he won't try to crawl, won't pull himself to standing, or even get himself into a sitting position. I try tummy time, but as soon as his belly touches that floor, he rolls straight over. He hasn't yet accomplished rolling from his back to his front (with all that weight to move, who can blame him?). I sometimes wonder if he is behind, but I think more than anything, he is content with the status quo. He has Mom and Dad wrapped around his finger. He knows if he starts crying, we'll come running. So why move when Mom or Dad will move you where you want to go?

My boy is the light of my life. I know he is the light of Mark's too. Last year at this time we had just found out we were having a boy and I cried about it. I was really upset I was having a boy. We had been sure it was a girl! I had felt strongly for years that my first child would be a girl. Mark has two boys from his previous marriage, so I wanted to give him a girl. And to be honest, having a boy scared me. My oldest stepson is great, but is raised differently than I want to raise my children (he is allowed as much tv and video games as he wants and I don't want that for my children). And Mark's other son, Tyler, had died in 1999 at the age of 4. So having a boy was scary for me. I look back and laugh about that now. I am thrilled to have a boy! Camden is more fun and more joy than I ever thought possible. I live for his smiles, his laughs, his cuddling. He is such a cuddle bug and I love it! I thank the Lord daily for the miracle of my boy. He was worth the 3.5 years of ttc and the 10 rounds of fertility medications. I would do that again if it meant another baby as wonderful as him.

Thinking about all this leads me into my New Year's Resolutions. Because Camden inspires much of what I want to be in my life.

Spiritually, I need to read my scriptures more, go to the temple more often, and make my home a place where the spirit always dwells. Camden needs to feel the spirit inside the walls of this home and I need to make sure it is always here. I also need to make sure I set an example for my son in spiritual matters. I have the awesome responsibility to teach him of the gospel and his Savior in the coming years.

Physically, I need to lose weight for many reasons. One, we want to start trying for another baby sometime in 2006. Being healthy helps my body respond to fertility medications more. So that motivates me to lose weight and eat healthy. I am restarting Weight Watchers at the first of the year. Second, I need to be healthy for my son. Again, I need to set an example of healthy eating habits. Camden also deserves a mom who can keep up with him.

Financially, we need to buckle down and stick to a budget. We need to put aside wants for needs. We need to build our savings and reduce our debts.

In other areas, I need to see what I have to do to become highly qualified in English. According to the awful No Child Left Behind, because I have only a minor in English (12 credit hours difference), I am not highly qualified to teach what I have been teaching for the past 8 years. I want to take some college classes to get highly qualified. I also want to continue to do all I can to support Mark in his education. He's doing awesome and I want it to continue. I also want to work on becoming more patient and more positive this year. I often look at the negative and have little patience. Those are some weaknesses I want to improve.

Well, if you made it through this thing, you deserve a medal. It sure is nice to have an outlet for my ramblings. Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting!