Saturday, December 31, 2005

Poop-a-Palooza 2005

Of the many songs Mark and I make up and sing to Camden, it seems like this one is sung on almost a daily basis. It's pretty much his theme song:

I've got not butt, and so you see,
My diaper won't stay on me.
When I poop, it goes up my back.
What do you think about that?

That song is the reason 2005 will forever be known as the "Year of the Poop" in our household. As parents with babies know, once that little one enters the world, your life starts to revolve around three main issues: eating, sleeping, and bowel movements. It seems that one of those issues is always out of synch. In Camden's life thus far, we've dealt with all issues at one time or another. In becoming parents, much of our lives the past 8 months have revolved around poop, specifically the quest for The Perfect Diaper (you must say that in an announcer voice).

You see, my son has one small problem he inherited from his father. He has no butt. My side of the family produces nice padded derrieres. Mark's side produces flat buttocks. My husband defines the meaning of "plumbers crack" because of that lack of butt. There is nothing in back to hold his pants on. Camden inherited that from Mark, but there is nothing in back to hold his diaper on. Even though my tank of a son weighs close to 22 pounds, his butt stays as flat as can be. He sits forward and you see a cute lil plumbers crack multiple times a day. For that reason, the search for the Perfect Diaper has been an elusive search at best.

When Camden was first born, like many new babies, he had what we refer to as "Clean Diaper Syndrome." As soon as a clean diaper touched his skin, he had to poop. I remember being in the doctor office for his two month appointment and changing a poopy diaper three times in about an hour span. Yeah, we'd put a clean diaper on him and there he'd dirty it again in a matter of minutes. Even the nurse commented on his amazing ability to need to soil a fresh diaper. During this time of Camden's life, we changed countless outfits several times a day. Combining "Clean Diaper Syndrome" with the no butt issue resulted in many poopies shooting straight up the back of his diaper and all over his current outfit. We tried diaper after diaper to solve this problem. We tried the cheapest diapers and the most expensive. We tried generic store brands and the brand names. Finally, we found a diaper that did the best job in containing his poop. We rejoiced! The heavens opened and sang with us! Our washing machine thanked us. We were in diaper heaven and swore to never buy another brand.

But, as fate would have it, Camden grew and grew and grew - right into size three diapers. Unfortunately for us, the diaper we had so loved stopped at the size two. They didn't make them any larger! The size three by the same company, which was supposed to be similar to our favorite diaper, didn't make the grade. Luckily for us, around the same time, Camden started baby foods and poop became less frequent and more solid. So almost any diaper would work. We tried several diapers to see what fit we liked best and finally settled on a new favorite which we were sure would carry us through the rest of his diapering years. That is, until what shall hereafter forever be known as "The Great Prune Incident" (need your announcer voice again for that).

About three or four weeks ago, we bumped Camden up to three baby food feedings a day. With that added solid food, he started having some bowel troubles. We would see our boy grunt, make noises, and have his face turn red, only to produce a little lump in his diaper. We became worried about constipation. One evening, after such an incident, we decided to try some big guns the next day if this continued.

The following day, I was at work when Mark called me. He proceeded to tell me that Camden was having problems pooping again and so he had fed Cam prunes for breakfast. I said, "Great! Hopefully by the end of the day we'll see some results."

About two hours later, my phone rang again at work and I heard Mark say, "I am never feeding this boy prunes again." Mark then told me how they worked all too well. He was up in the office with Camden playing on the floor when he looked down and noticed a pile of something on the floor. He bent down to investigate and noticed it was poop. Camden sat there with the biggest smile on his face. The prunes had worked and with jet propulsion, Camden had shot that poop right up his back and into a neat little pile on the floor. Being at work, I laughed sadistically and told Mark to have fun cleaning up. Twice more that day, I received phone calls at work telling me Camden had shot through another diaper and outfit.

Since then, blowing through a diaper and outfit has become, once again, an almost daily occurrence. I am beginning to wonder if that one bout of prunes is having a permanent laxative effect on my son. No matter what we feed him, this boy now poops 2 to 6 times a day, often bursting through one outfit or another. So once again, our search for The Perfect Diaper resumes.

This brings us to yesterday. On Thursday, we changed Camden's pants no less than three times. Yesterday, we had already changed a few poopy diapers, but had no major blow outs. I left Camden with Mark and took a nice shower. As I got out of the shower, I heard some strange noises coming from Mark from downstairs. It was like noises of panic. No words made sense, but I noticed a touch of emergency in Mark's voice. I raced downstairs to be greeted by a smiling baby and a pile of poop on the floor. Once again Camden had demonstrated his remarkable talent of rocketing the poop straight up the diaper and onto the floor. We grabbed Cam, raced him to the tub, stripped him down, and rinsed him off. I rediapered and redressed him while Mark cleaned up our present downstairs.

So as we end 2005, and as I've changed Camden's pants already once today, I wonder what it will take to find The Perfect Diaper for my no butt baby. I am hoping against hope to find a diaper that will contain his poopy. Maybe we'll get super lucky and the boy will actually grow a butt. As I doubt that, 2005 will forever be known as The Year of the Poop. Hopefully 2006 will be known as something else. Maybe, if we're really blessed, it will be known as The Year of the Sleep.


Anonymous said...

rofl. I love your blog. Thanks for making me smile.


Jess said...

Ok, you crack me up. You know, cloth diaper covers have elastic all the way around the top and I have NEVER had a poop blowout in nearly 5 years of cloth diapering. I do have a couple of old covers I could send you to put over your sposies to keep the poop off of you, his clothes, etc. Or tell your hubby to switch to cloth. ;) May 2006 bring you less poop and more joy!

Linsey Farley Jameson said...

ROFL!!!! Here's hoping tghat the poop eases up in 06. That is almost amazing. That is a heck of a lot of poop for a little dude!!!

Taffi said...

Too freaking hilarious. You have my sympathies!

Elizabeth said...

You make me laugh!!!

Gina said...

I know this is a really old post, but MAN you made me laugh tonight!!! The whoas of poopers is gross but tickles my funny bone! Oh what a year you had! I hope 2006 has proven to be the year of the sleep. I am going on 6 months of no sleep and trying to stay positive that SOON the sleep walking will be over.