Monday, January 23, 2006

Forever Infertile

I’ve recently discovered a world of infertility related blogs out there – some LDS, most not, some with people adopting, others who are pg, and others who are still trying. As I found this hidden world I thought, “Where were you when I was going through this?!?!” During my infertility, I did have the support of a few others going through something similar. We found each other on an LDS board and posted together quite a bit. Then one by one they got pg and I was almost alone out there in infertile world. It was a very lonely feeling.

I’ve been thinking a lot about infertility these days, specifically all we went through to get Camden. Infertility will always be a part of my life. It played such a significant role for 3.5 years of my life and, just because I have one child, it doesn’t mean that I am still not infertile. In spite of having a baby, I still see myself as infertile. I sometimes call myself a recovering infertile because it is still so much a part of me, even though I have been blessed with one truly magnificent child.

I think this is on my mind so much because Camden is now 9 months old, which means we’re getting closer to when we want to start trying for another. I realize how blessed I am to be able to have even one. I know there are others out there who have none and envy me for my one. I know there are some who might say I should be content with just one. And if all I ever had was Camden, I would be so grateful for him. But I do want more. I want him to have a sibling. I loved being pregnant so much and love being a mom so much that I want to do it again. I want Camden to have a brother or sister close in age. I want him to have that special connection that comes with a sibling. Camden completed Mark and I in so many ways. He took us from two to three and made us a family. I want to add to that.

As the time draws closer to trying to conceive, I get a bit scared. I wonder what it will take this time to have a baby. My secret wish is that we’ll get really lucky and conceive on our own in just a few cycles. But having wanted that before and being denied it, I wonder how long it may take this time. Will it take years or will it be just a few months? Will we have to use expensive medications or will my body work on its own? I don’t know and it scares me. Having Camden, I can say the previous trial was worth it. I would do it again to get another child. I am willing to do it again to have another baby. But I would prefer not to if at all possible. I would prefer an easy conception this time around.

I don’t think that fear will ever go away completely. No matter how much faith or trust I have that things will work out for the best (and I do have that), it’s scary to contemplate going through again. Infertility sucked the life out of me last time. It took me to the darkest place I’ve ever been. It took me to the edge of losing my testimony and back. I don’t want to have that happen again. I know I can just look at Camden this time and know that miracles happened. It happened once before and it can happen again. I would just like this time to be easy.

Because of what we went through before, we won’t tell people when we start trying or that we are trying. It was too hard last time to have so many people analyzing me and watching every thing I did. If I was sick, people automatically asked if I was pregnant. If I missed work or did anything out of the ordinary, people asked if I was pregnant. My secret hope, beyond getting pregnant easily, is to be able to announce a pregnancy with very few people knowing we were actually trying.

I hope as the time gets closer, I can let go of this fear that is steadily building in me. I pray that this time will be easier. But no matter what, I have something this time that I didn’t have last time – Camden. He is my living miracle. He is proof of the blessing and miracle I received once before. He gives me the courage to try again, knowing how worth it he was and how willingly I would go through it again to get another baby.

8 comments:

Sara said...

YES, I've been there Rachelle! Well you know that don't ya! Trust me ttc#2 is easier. Because when a failed month goes by and you start to get depressed your little one will just smile at you and you know you will be okay! And as you already know, its soooo worth it. :)

smartmama said...

hey i am a recovering Recurrent pregnancy loss (3 year - 7m/c trial)- it never leaves you-and does change you- i am already thinking about #3- but it scares me to ever face the dark road again- but you can never deny the blessings

ShelahBooksIt said...

Rachelle-

I really, really hope you have an easy time of it this time!

Amy said...

I really hope this time is the easy road. :)

Alissa said...

(((HUGS)))

The Constant Gardener said...

I've never known you to have anything but a great attitude about all of this. You're awesome!

Nicole said...

Have you found any other infertile LDS bloggers out there? I think you are the first I have found. Or at least the first to admit that the gospel wasn't a resource to lean on during infertility.

Amber said...

I've been there too- although mine was secondary infertility. I'm now wondering what I got myself into most days. ;) "trying" just plain sucks- even more when it's a long road. Do you know my story though?? Maybe I'll blog about that today or tomorrow.